Is this a relationship?

[Eevie15]

Help. I’m meeting my current boyfriend for five months now . I see him once a week and we go for dinner/ watch a film/ go for a walk etc . We both work non-fri. We both travel for work . I visit him once a week, maybe twice and rarely stay over . This is an hour and a half round trip . His weekends are taken up with sport: friends/ travel/ concerts etc . I don’t figure much in his plans but I don’t have the same amount of disposable income as he does to do anything . He has just been away for the weekend and hardly contacted me . He was with his friends and I am wondering if this is normal . He is early thirties and I am late twenties . Am I too intense .

He should at least be driving to see you 50% of the time and yes it doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in you if he's rather spend his free time doing other stuff.

It isn't the kind of relationship you want, is it? As he's in his 30s, I can't see him changing. You will never be a priority in his life.

It is not what I want but I hope he will change and show me more commitment . He is good to message normally but this weekend , his phone battery ran out at nine o clock at night and he didn’t bother to charge it or contact me until yesterday at lunchtime . He doesn’t even apologise . He has loads of plans that do not involve me for the next few eeeks so I am annoyed . I haven’t met his family yet and he is reluctant to introduce me although he says he will introduce Me next week . I have no family relationships to speak of yet I hardly figure on his plans all over Christmas holidays and I am hurt that he is happy to leave me on my own , knowing that I am alone all over Christmas and he is having a wonderful time with friends and fmily . Am I being too needy?

No, you are not being too needy. I think you should move on and find someone who actually wants to have a relationship. I don't think this one does.

oh god - you're not needy. You're not part of his life!

But I am! We have a great time together! We normally text continuously at night when he is free . I’m just upset that I am hardly part of his plans . It’s all on his terms which I am normally happy to go along with . I’m so in love with him. When together, we have a wonderful time but he doesn’t even apologise for not bothering to contact me now!

It’s all on his terms which I am normally happy to go along with
WHY???
What about you and what you want?
Sorry, but this guy is a flake and not for you.
He makes very little effort.
Do you always visit him or does he come to you 50% of the time.
Seems to me you will do ANYTHING to keep your MAN!?
Unfortunately, this one is just 'not that into you'

Hmmm... You could well be the other woman?

He is amazing and I just love him. Yes I suppose that he is the one who works really far away and has to travel . He is into sports/ friends and family and I have nine of that to speak of. When we are together he treats me really well but I feel as time goes on , he is making less and less of an effort and is beginning to take me for granted or else I am too needy

I think you're flogging a dead horse here. He just isn't that into you.

This isn't a relationship. You're a timewaster for him at best.

Surely you have more self respect than to waste your life on someone who doesn't want you to be part of his?

Oh II onowhe firs t have another woman as I’ve been at his house loads and he has housemates .he aksisrmfs me photos of him and his family and friends when he is away with them so he is telling the truth . I just am Not veryhoghupin his priorities am I . It’s that or I’m too needy

Well I am meeting his family next week so I’m sure I mean something to him!!?

Your not an emotional match. Or he's just not the type to put that effort you need or require.
My friends bf is so different to my dp, mine is overly romantic and wanted to spend every day with me, still does. Hers see her once or twice a week, barely sleeps over, but he's taught her to swim and ride a bike and they go away for there bdays, he's so suited to her as she likes her own time too and mine is suited to me.

You dp won't change and he shouldn't have too, you should enjoy the time with him and try not to except him to be more than he is.

This does not sound like the best love story ever. It sound like you can give your All to him, but he likes things the way he chooses them to be.
I think that I would rather be alone,than be in this situation.

And your not needy by the way.

Raise your bar - it shouldn't be all on his terms and you going along. You seem keener on him than he is on you, and that's not a good thing.

He should be making you feel valued and important, but it seems like you're just convenient when he's got nothing better to do.

If you want to stick with him, then make sure you have lots of plans of your own, and importantly that you do not drop them at a moment's notice to see him instead. Cultivate your friendships and hobbies. Value your own time & attention and make him value it too. If you run round after him, he'll take it for granted (as he already does), and he'll become more and more disrespectful.

You've asked whether this is a relationship and people are generally saying no for the reasons you've given.

You're defending what you have so much that it sounds like you're happy with the way things are. If that's the case then it seems to work for both of you so go with it, don't worry about what others label it.

But if you're not happy and he shows no signs of upping his game to what you want then maybe it's time to call it a day and find someone more able to commit to you?

Hrs not amazing because he's not making you happy hence your post. Yep, set your bar higher. You will never change a man and it's foolish to think you can. As soon as I read that bit it was obvious you are not a good match.
Ask yourself what exactly you are in love with about him as it's obviously not enough if you are hoping to change him. He's all or nothing with communication, not making much of an effort, everything is on his terms, his hobbies and mates come first, doesn't consider you, doesn't involve you. You're just a casual thing I think until someone rise comes along he wants to settle down with

I think he just wants to take things much slower than you. It's not his fault you don't have family relationships or his job to fix that. Personally I wouldn't find it attractive being expected to create a Christmas experience for someone I had been involved with for under a year. What did you do the other 28 years?

Maybe there are other reasons he is reluctant to introduce you to his family. There are a multitude of possibilities; they start rows, they are big drinkers, they will assume you're getting married or anything really.

If he's texting you every evening and his phone died once I do think it seems a bit needy you expected to 'apologise'. He obviously explained which imo is good enough.

Having said that you are 50% of this relationship. Instead of trying to change him decide if this relationship in its current form is for you.

Oh god, this is heartbreaking.

OP, stop "hoping he'll change and show you more commitment". He isn't that into you - and you seem happy to accept the crumbs and "go along with what he wants".

Part of the reason you feel so needy and insecure is because HE makes you feel that way - forcing you to push/beg for markers of commitment (like figuring in his plans, feeling able to ask to see him over Christmas, wanting him to make the effort to split the travelling, etc) rather than giving them to you freely.

I know you aren't going to dump this guy (although you should, he'll grind you down and waste your time) so rather than pushing him to like you more, would you consider trying to improve other areas of your life and raise your self esteem?

Do activities that make you feel good - that might be hobbies, sports, seeing friends, volunteering, education - something to give you a bit of pride in yourself. Read books about things that you enjoy, find a passion for something, do something that makes you feel good.

Stop trailing around after this guy like a puppy - be a bit busy yourself at the weekend. If you don't think he'll bother with you if he has to do a bit of work to see you, then better you find that out now, surely?

Well I am meeting his family next week so I’m sure I mean something to him!!?
Let us know when this cancelled or postponed!!!!
If it's not then maybe it's a step in the right direction but I still really don't think he's that into you!
Sorry OP.

OP it is very early stages, and I can see where it is going wrong. You need to get a more interesting life and not depend on him so much, it is actually quite healthy to have friends and plans and hobbies and not spend all your weekend with someone you are dating. In short, I don't think he is necessarily an asshole or a commitment phobe, you might be mismatched, yes, but you can also take this as an opportunity to make changes in your life.

This reminds me of a "relationship" I had when I was in my late teens/early twenties. He was 8 years older then me, had a lot more money and a whole other life that I was no part of. He never introduced me to anyone, he never wanted to meet my family or friends and he only made the time to see me twice a week at the most. I gave up 4 years to this man and not long after he ended things I bumped into him in a homewares shop with another woman who was obviously pregnant. I was devastated!

In my opinion, what you have with this man is not really a relationship. It's more like a friends with benefits thing.

He might care about you in his own way but, from what you've said, he doesn't see you as a part of his life or his future (lack of plans with you etc). I think you feel needy because he's giving you so little and it's forcing you to push for more than just the crumbs he's offering.

In your shoes, I would focus on building yourself a life - you mention that you have no friends so you'd possibly do well to take up a hobby or join a group where you meet others and make friends and fill up your life. That way, you'll be less reliant upon this man for the little bits he's dangling over you and you might care less when he isn't available.

Erm, if I'm away for the weekend or out with my friends i wouldn't constantly be texting my DH
I'd probably message him when i got there, once in the day and again the next morning when I'm leaving.

His battery died when he was out, he came home after a night out and crashed, and he charged his phine in the morning then messaged you. It is needy to expect more then that.

The problem is you dont feel emotionally safe and secure in this relationship.