Is this a relationship?

[Eevie15]

Help. I’m meeting my current boyfriend for five months now . I see him once a week and we go for dinner/ watch a film/ go for a walk etc . We both work non-fri. We both travel for work . I visit him once a week, maybe twice and rarely stay over . This is an hour and a half round trip . His weekends are taken up with sport: friends/ travel/ concerts etc . I don’t figure much in his plans but I don’t have the same amount of disposable income as he does to do anything . He has just been away for the weekend and hardly contacted me . He was with his friends and I am wondering if this is normal . He is early thirties and I am late twenties . Am I too intense .

Really don't get why after everything we've all said that you are still with him. He knows he can call the shots and treat you like crap. Where's your self esteem and dignity? It's always better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.
Have you looked at the freedom program?

This “relationship” only works because you do not ask for anything.

Been there where you are OP, twice. Neither time did it end well. I now ask myself: why did I stay in these crap relationships expecting more, even when the writing was on the wall? I look back and see that although I wasn't afraid to be alone, I felt extremely lonely in the relationship (at least, most of the time the guy wasn't around). It was a weird punishment circle of behaviour that I can now see stems from attachment issues in childhood.

Why are you still contemplating staying when you know the writing is on the wall?

Use this painful experience to understand yourself more. Don't get hobbies to look busy and thus more attractive to this guy. Find friends and hobbies for yourself.

Yeah, dump this guy.

It doesn’t sound anything like my relationship- my bf fancies me like mad and will text to say he can’t wait to see me etc.

You deserve better.

he has a free few days in a fortnight but is keeping it free in case he gets a last minute invitation so he's keeping his options open and will use you as a fallback if he can't get a better offer?

I cannot imagine that he would compromise on his social life or any part of his life at the moment, but with a deeper relationship and possibly a child in the scene, he would have to prioritise wouldn't he? You'd think so but going by many of the threads on the relationships board I wouldn't take that as a given.

In fact, most areas in his life are quite controlled: what he eats, his sports timetable, his work routine, housework routine, bedtime routine etc. Maybe he needs control to function adequately or needs to control every area of his life for some reason? That's great if it works for him but what about you? Imagine if you did manage to get into a deeper relationship with him and ended up living with him. Can you honestly say you'd be happy living under such a rigid, tightly controlled regime where there's no spontaneity or room for change? Do you think he'd be happy if a baby came along and completely disrupted that highly structured timetable?

OP. I think even you can see he's sending you crumbs. He has said he's keeping his free days in case an invitation comes through. He never travels to you.

You also mentioned you meet up when you say you are in his town. Looking like he sees this as FWB.

I have no pleasure at all in saying this, but I really do think think it's unrequited love. It's all you doing the running and acquiescing. Stop contact. Build up your social life and meet someone who thinks the sun shines out of you and wants to be with you and, most importantly, makes you know you're cherished.

I don’t think the family thing is quite abnormal; I’m around your age sounds normal. I usually wait +-1 year for the whole meet the family event. I like taking it slow though.

You have to realize you’ve only been there for 5 months, you can hardly expect for him to neglect a lot of his previous commitments. The (very) selfish streak is not on though. The Christmas thing is quite sad, I fully understand not wanting you to meet his family/friends so soon, but he could at least spend some quality time with you (I say this as someone who hates Christmas). Especially seeing, you’d be quite lonely and appear to struggle with that.

No this isn’t a relationship and it never will be.

No you are not needy.

If you ever want more than this, you will need to dump him and find someone else.

You're rather an inconvenience to him. Do you feel strong enough to dump him and move on? Just call him and say, look this isn't working for me. I'm threading on eggshells. I don't feel like you want me to be part of your life and I'm not being myself. I'm acting as if it doesn't bother me, but it does. I can't keep up the pretence any longer. I really liked you, but it's just not working for me.

I would say to do it in person, but sounds like you'd have to make an appointment. So, a phonecall is sufficient.

Zulors advice is good. Honest but straight to the point without sounding gushy or needy

You'll know when a guy is really into you, he'll be in a rush to 'lock you down' so that nobody else does. You're not needy, with the right guy you wouldn't even be asking yourself that. You deserve better, way better, and all this effort for vanilla sex? Nooooo, at least if you have a FWB set up then let the sex be worth it!

This has been a real eye opener. I think I was living in a bubble of my own making . When we are together we are like a real couple, he is so adoring towards me but actions speak louder than words and really when we meet etc is all on his terms . You are right .. if he wanted me he would lock me down but as it stands he knows I wouldn’t t dream of looking beyond him so there’s no incentive I suppose. I’ve told him I love him months ago and regularly do. He tells me he doesn’t love me but likes me a lot . His free weekend of no plans is telling. I just dont figure. I am heartbroken as he is the kindest sweetest most loving person when we are together and I think that this is his idea of a relationship or at least it’s all he is willing to give me at the moment . I dont think he would want to lose me as I am so committed to him and place no demands on him. I know that most girls wouldn’t put up with such lack of commitment or sex . I will talk to him this weekend I think and take your advice and thanks again

You are being a total doormat and you know it.
He doesn't love you.
Please stop telling him you love him.
You will start to lose all respect for yourself if you carry on like this.
I'm cringing here for you!

What's to talk about?! He doesn't love you. It doesn't get harsher than that. Time to dump him and move on. You are telling him you are desperate and willing to put up with anything to have a boyfriend. I'm cringing too.

Talk about what, to what end?

The fact that he's keeping that weekend open for something else, anything else, to come along, rather than spend it with you, should be the death knell for this relationship, but you're still grimly hanging on, eagerly awaiting the few crumbs he chucks your way. It's madness, and terrible for your self esteem.

You should value yourself more.

Hope you’re ok OP. I completely agree with the other posters but imagine this thread has been quite tough to read for you.

I am
Really sad about it but I agree with what you’re saying. I am wasting
My time

I rang him during his lunch break . I asked him
How he felt about me. He said that he was mad about me . He said that he isn’t 100% in love with me. I asked about me meeting his family. He said that he is doing that because I pushed so hard for it although he is looking forward to it too . I asked about our weekends and holidays and he said that that was just the way it is, he is busy but I’m
Welcome to join him now and again if I want But not when all the boys are out together as I wouldn’t enjoy it . A lot of his family and friends are coming home for Christmas which I understand . I asked about seeing him during the days over Christmas. He said he will meet me for a walk or a drive on some days. So that’s it folks. I think I got my answers

Look at it this way, there are men out there who WILL love you, but while you're wasting time with this one, you're not going to meet any others.

I know it's shit to realise that the person you love, doesn't love you, it really, really hurts, but staying in the hopes that he'll change, will be really bad for your self esteem. The longer it goes on, the worse you will feel.

Give yourself the chance to be happy, rip that plaster off. You deserve to be happy, and loved. Give yourself time to heal the wound before embarking on another relationship, and get out and about. Meet new people, find something that interests you, and find groups nearby for that interest.
Learn to love yourself, and your own company, and when you do, you'll be ready for the next chapter of your life. You're still young, make the most of it, you never know what's around the corner.

Ah, you posted while I was writing my post.

Yes, you've got your answers. The crumbs (he's mad about you) are to keep you interested and hanging on, but he's still not giving you any more.

So did you dump him? Or say 'I'm mad about you too darling'?