Is this a relationship?

[Eevie15]

Help. I’m meeting my current boyfriend for five months now . I see him once a week and we go for dinner/ watch a film/ go for a walk etc . We both work non-fri. We both travel for work . I visit him once a week, maybe twice and rarely stay over . This is an hour and a half round trip . His weekends are taken up with sport: friends/ travel/ concerts etc . I don’t figure much in his plans but I don’t have the same amount of disposable income as he does to do anything . He has just been away for the weekend and hardly contacted me . He was with his friends and I am wondering if this is normal . He is early thirties and I am late twenties . Am I too intense .

OP it is very early stages, and I can see where it is going wrong. You need to get a more interesting life and not depend on him so much, it is actually quite healthy to have friends and plans and hobbies and not spend all your weekend with someone you are dating. In short, I don't think he is necessarily an asshole or a commitment phobe, you might be mismatched, yes, but you can also take this as an opportunity to make changes in your life.

Agreed. He may of course be an asshole, but either way, you shouldn't be so dependent on him, both for your own sake, and because it's a sure-fire way to crush any new relationship. Knowing someone has no resources other than you isn't very attractive -- you are presenting Christmas as if you are some reclusive invalid who needs rescuing. What was going on in your life before you met him? It's only been five months...

And how has it happened that you are always the one travelling to his house? What would happen if you said you can't do it this week?

Once a week, not met the family? This isn't a relationship. Sorry but it's not. And going to his place means nothing, a local guy was seeing loads of females and had a gf. He has his own place and took the females there or went to theirs. He even introduced them to some of his mates.
I have more of a 'relationship' with a fwb. We spend more time together and I have met some of his family.

You asked if this is a relationship and despite people saying it's not, you are desperately trying to cling onto nothing. Relationships, especially in the beginning should be about wanting to spend time with each other. Not just once a week and the rest of the week texting. And texting each other is meaningless. When I'm with my fwb, we do reply to calls/texts with other people including other hookups. When the stuff about the local guy came out, seemed there was lots of sexting when he was with his gf for the night.

OP I think you're too dependent on him. It may be due to you feeling in love and wanting to merge your lives more, but for whatever reason he doesn't want that atm.

It's never attractive to date someone who is always available and has no life and lacks self respect. I would take a step back and let him do the pursuing, if he wants to, as that will show where you stand.

I agree being introduced to family is a good sign, but try to mirror his level of investment in you - if he's not making the effort then don't do more yourself.

I'm happy to have a FWB who travels to me once a week, we have drinks and fun. It's very little trouble or commitment for me. I still date other people.

No, it's not a relationship. You're just something to occupy any spare bits of time he might have. Stop being so desperate travelling out to meet him hours away just to service him and then he kicks you out. He's not into you. You are wasting your time. You're reading things that aren't there (means nothing to meet his family). He won't change. If you want to waste your time, then he's the right way to do it. But a better use of your time would be to work on your self esteem and set your bar a bit higher.

I’ve read all your opinions and thanks . Yes I have very few friends and really no family relationships to speak of so I do need to extend my circle of friends. I am happy to drive to see him as I have the time but yes I am quite dependant on him socially. I have met his friends once or twice and will meet his family. I had to persuade him and have being doing so for weeks. He simply says his family are too busy up until now . The thing with the texting was that we used to always text eachother A lot when out. I see a decline in this area. Yes I am tooavailable and I will have to do something about that. As it is I pretend that I am happy with what’s happening as I’m afraid he will just finish with me if I become too needy . I know he really likes me and we get in great when together and messaging . Our messaging is constant in the evenings when not together. Ian dreading Christmas . I hate this time of year. I find it sad and lonely as everyone is sobusy and happy with their family’s and friends yet I don’t really have anyone to share it with and I am clearly not a priority for him this Christmas .he will see me here and there for an hour. I know he’s not responsible for my happiness but I still felt that he should have included me on his plans somewhat over the holiday period . Ian off work for two weeks as is he.free too.i guess that when we met first I may have seen him only once a fortnight and that time spent together has increased a little sothatswhyi was hoping it will continue to develop and grow. He wants to take it really slowly whereas I’d jump at the chance to get serious .

Ah you poor thing. You are lonely! I think you're asking the wrong question though - you should be trying to fix it yourself.

Don't wait for him to do it for you.

And you are allowed to decide he is not the boyfriend you want.

It sounds very similar to the relationship I have with my boyfriend, the difference is that’s what I’ve chosen and designed for myself with him.

I don’t want to see him more than once a week and I don’t want to meet his family.

If I did I’d be desperately unhappy.

It’s not right or wrong it’s just not right for you.

Ive had such awful experiences with boyfriend..used, dumped by text, blocked, ghosted, emotionally abused and the list goes on. My problem is that while I know he is taking it all really slowly on his own terms, he is so lovely to me when together and apart. He keeps his promises eg if he says we will meet next friday, we will meet next friday.He doesnt cancel or change plans at last minute etc. He has always been straight up in that respect and let me know what he can give to the relationship... c.an I ask chesty..is that a fwb situation or a long term relationship you are in please and also is this as much commitment that you are willing to give and is your partner happy with this, truly? Thanks?

I think anything that requires this much questioning this early on is a non-starter. I was like you last year, and then mumsnet helped me see that I was settling for less than I deserved, that he was using me, that he wasn't making an effort and of course he was nice to me because that meant I kept giving him sex. Really opened my eyes and got me to set my bar much higher. I ended that relationship and should have done it much sooner but concentrated on the good bits so hard in an attempt to drown out the bad bits and the voice of my gut.

Thing is, you shouldn't have to "persuade him" to introduce you to his family or push for that. It should come in its own time and he should actively want that to happen.

You really need to work on your own life instead trying to use him to fill the gaps. Plan something fun for yourself to do in the holidays, go to any social events there are with work, accept invitations and make them to friends and acquaintances, try some different activities and meet-ups.

@Eevie15

It’s a relationship although some on here would argue with me on that point! I see it as a relationship because we’re monogamous, we love each other, I’d call him if I had a problem, we’re not dating other people etc.

For me it’s not about commitment, I’m very committed to him, I hope we’re together a long time. But I was single for ages and I have a very full life that I don’t want to give up, I work, exercise, dj, have friends locally and in other places, I volunteer, I have an elderly mum that I care for. Most of these things I want to do alone.

As to whether he’s happy - he seems happy, he says he is. He has step children he sees, a busy job, friends of his own.

We’re not spending Christmas together but neither of us puts any value on Christmas. He made a huge fuss for my birthday because I told him I wanted one.

Well it seems that you needs are being met and I suppose that that is the crux of a good relationship . My needs are not really being met though. I saw him for the first time in a week the other day. We had a lovely evening but surrounded by his housemates . The evening was suggested by me as I was in his town at the time . He said he was tired and not feeling well and I got the feeling he would have preferred to have been on his own but he still said it was ok. I went home later that evening but I would love to have stayed . I will see him again at the weekend for a couple of hours but will meet his family! His plans still don’t include me too much over Christmas so I’m taking on advice from here and going to try to expand my social life and stop being so dependant on him as I’m nearly sure by him that he is getting a bit turned off by me suggesting to meet’ when I’m in the area’ or asking him to do this with me even though he doesn’t suggest them.im pretty sure that it would be more attractive tone busy.. at least pretend to be... and gain an independent life of my own.hetoldme that he has a free few days in a fortnight but is keeping it free in case he gets a last minute invitation

I think this bloke is possibly either one that likes to take things very slowly and isn't willing to prioritise a girlfriend over his friends and long established routines until its more developed. My now husband was like this initially but he also had issues with women/a past relationship which caused him a lot of heartache. We worked in the end and he changed but it did take a lot of perseverance from me. Do you know much about his past relationships? Second option is that he's got a very good social circle and life and enjoys it too much to factor in a girlfriend and enjoys all the benefits if regularish sex without the commitment. Either that or you come from different kinds of lives have different kinds of needs and wants and are just not suited. His busy bee social life may eventually cause problems and rows of this is the case and your relationship did develop. I think you need to have a conversation with him a kind of 'where is this going/ where do I stand?' but I fear it'd not end well. I think he'd scarper but then at least you'd have your answer and stop wasting your time

The more I read back over your comments , the more I realise how selfish he is . He is a selfish lover too.. I realise that everything about us is on his terms . I come from a dysfunctional
Relationship also but was desperate to settle down and have children. I still am
I guess and I know in time that he would like the same, I’m just not convinced it is with me

Yes he wants to take it slowly and he wants to keep up his busy social life with friends and his family too. He has had very few relationships as he finds it hard to click with girls and sex is not a huge part of his priorities. In fact , he has little interest in the sexual side of things in comparison to me . I cannot imagine that he would compromise on his social life or any part of his life at the moment, but with a deeper relationship and possibly a child in the scene, he would have to prioritise would t he? He likes me for sure and often says that he cannot believe that a girl like him so much and is accepting of his life and his wishes and his little interest in the sexual side of things . Now we do have sex but it’s vanilla, quick , missionary and more about hugging etc which I enjoy.

In fact, most areas in his life are quite controlled... what he eats, his sports timetable, his work routine, housework routine , bedtime
Routine etc . Maybe he needs control to function adequately or needs to control every area of his life for some reason?

I think you should end this relationship - it's very bad for you. If I had a friend for five months then I couldn't let her be alone at Christmas. He just thinks of himself and he has decided he wants a girlfriend (for sex? to appear "normal"?) but doesn't want to see her very often. You are on the margins of his life.

What worries me is that you say you love him, when he clearly doesn't give anything back in relationship terms. I don't mean he doesn't like you, but he literally doesn't care for you, in terms of taking care of you. I'm shocked you had to go home late the other night, when you only see him once a week. He was okay, wasn't he, had his flatmates around and was in a nice warm house, where you had to go home late on your own.

He's selfish and inconsiderate and not worthy of your love.

The more you say the less like a relationship this is.

He really isn't in to you. Stop grasping a desperate straws to convince yourself he is. And no, there is no reason he would prioritise you and a child if you had one- the relationship board is full of women in that situation.

Oh @eevie please please don't waste any more of your kind heart and your time on this selfish man. Your posts come across as kind and caring and generous towards him and it sounds like your bending your own boundaries wants and needs further and further to accommodate him. I hate to say it but you sound vulnerable because of your self admitted desperation to settle down. Some less so kind men will home in on this and use it to their full advantage. I fear he's one of them. It really doesn't sound like he's giving you much. I thibk he's got issues. The tightly controlled routine, the apparent non desire for sex, lack of ability to form relationships with women. Sounds like he's throwing you just enough of a bone every now and again (hence his compliment of how you stick around) to keep you hanging on. I smell trouble I'm afraid.

It sounds like you're someone there for him as a convenience. You travel to him, his plans don't include you and you never stay over? All these are alarm bells to me and after 5 months I would think you would both be happy to spend whole weekends together or definitely more than a couple hours a week. Ask him to travel to you/spend a weekend together - see what he says. His response will be the answer as to whether or not he sees you as a priority in his life. As for meeting the family, I wouldn't hold your breathe. I hope you realise that you deserve someone who treats you good and takes care of you!

@chestylarue52 despite not knowing either you or the OP. Incan see that the major difference is how confident you sound on your post and how happy you are with yourself and life. Also, good on you for volunteering it’s on of the things I love doing the most.
The OP however, sounds very confident and too reliant on this guy who by the way, IS NOT SERIOUS .
Please of, learn to love yourself because trust me, if you don’t do it . You will find yourself in many other relationships where you will you be questioning yourself and asking MN about whether or not you are being unreasonable for wanting more.

Meant to say op sounds conflicted not confident

He’s promised me a night away in January after the Christmas holidays although sometimes I feel like he thinks he’s doing me a favour ! We have had a night away before. It was lovely but up and home early the next morning. There is always an excuse to leave/ go home . Yes he has issues with sex

So, he's got a few days off coming up, but wants to keep them free incase something comes along?

That tells you everything you need to know about where you are in his priorities...right at the bottom.
If he really liked you, he'd want to spend that time with you, but he doesn't. You're just something to do when he's at a loose end.

Meeting his family means fuck all, you've pushed him into it, so no need for the ! when you say you're meeting his family.

Unless this is the type of relationship you want, which it isn't, you should end it. It's not going to get better, and you've said yourself he seems to be cooling off. This really isn't good for your self esteem, and as others have said, you need to work on yourself. Get some hobbies, join a local Meet UP group, do some volunteering, make some friends and nurture the ones you already have.

You’re not needy, but it’s not a relationship