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Original poster

Paternity Test

76 replies

DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 12:43

Hi, just found out last week via DNA test that my 12 year old daughter is not biologically mine. Results were i am excluded as biological father. Im truely devastated and don't know what to do. Im no longer with my ex we split 2 years ago. Ive confronted her and she is denying the results of the test and trying to gaslight me and make me question the test. Don't know what to do how could someone lie to a person for 12 years letting them believe they are related to someone when they are not. Ive just been a meal ticket and feel so stupid.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 26/11/2018 12:48

You need to put that aside and answer this simple question. Do you want this child in your life?

maximumcarnage · 26/11/2018 12:50

I'm sorry, what a terrible shock. You'll probably want some time to process this news. I don't know the full extent of your circumstances, for instance if you are paying some sort of maintenance etc. But in her eyes your still her dad. And I would imagine you've cared and loved her as a dad. I would suggest you are still her father, even if it's not strictly in the biological sense.

As for your ex, well. What can you say? It's obvious at the very least she suspected at the time she wasn't your daughter. Not sure if it was mallicious from the get go or she just hoped it was yours. Now I dare say she'll be panicking a little. Certainly not high fiving her friends that she got away with it for so long.

HereIgoagainxx · 26/11/2018 12:55

Im so sorry you have found this out.

Of course it happens. People lie all the time.

Would you consider counselling to get your head around this?

Did you have doubts, is that why you had a paternity test?

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/11/2018 12:59

You haven't just been a meal ticket. You've been (and are) a father to your DD, for 12 years! That isn't going to change and your DD is going to continue to see you as her father.

I doubt it was a malicious lie, it was probably a hopeful wish or lying to herself, trying to convince herself that what she hoped was also the truth.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/11/2018 13:01

Agree with Maximum, while it is a horrible shock, as far as your daughter is concerned, you are still her daddy. And I assume you still love her just as much. I can’t imagine what this could do to a 12yo.
I assume your ex is not going to tell her, since she is trying to convince you the test is wrong.
Can you bide your time and take time to absorb this news, think of all the implications.

Finally, don’t feel stupid, you couldn’t have known and you have the love of your daughter.

DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hamzilla · 26/11/2018 13:11

That must be devastating for you, I'm sorry.

I think you have the right idea. Maintain seeing your dd at the times you normally would, and buy her anything she needs during those times. Eg if you can see she needs new shoes, buy them with her so you know she has benefitted directly. And absolutely stop giving your ex money.

How did the paternity test come about?

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/11/2018 13:13

If you're going to do that, can I suggest that you put the money into a savings account so that you can give it you your DD when she is older.

I would also seek legal advice about your position - are you on the birth certificate for example, and were you married to your ex when your DD was born?

Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 13:13

Ive had doubts for many years just delayed having a test for fear of the result. The doubt just ate away at me to the point i couldn't put it off any longer.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 13:20

Quite frankly at this point you have no legal obligation to support her and your Ex knows this.

If I was you...is stop paying CS and only buy things for your DD or..pay for school trips...etc.

She knows she can't take you to court over it....because then you wouldn't have to pay a penny.

People here saying put that question aside...aren't empathetic to your situation.

This is the worse thing a woman can do to a man IMO.

It's deplorable behaviour.

Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 13:29

Thank you SandyY2K. Its nice to see someone empathise with the way i feel. As much as it seems not to matter in the grand scheme of things i do feel utterly used. And ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of for all this time.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 26/11/2018 13:42

Do you know that your ex definitely knew that you weren't the biological father? Or was it a case of her hoping that it was true?

The fact remains that you are the only father that your DD has. If you are named on the birth certificate then you have parental responsibility even if biologically you are not her father. For the sake of your DD you need to separate out the issues and feelings around your ex, from how you interact with your DD.

Brel · 26/11/2018 13:43

Out of curiosity, what happens in the U.K. if a D.N.A test finds you're not the father (sorry not relevant for OP). Can you claim back maintenance (within the normal legal boundaries etc...), damages etc...?

Over here we have possession d'état (socio-affective reality); basically if you've behaved like a father towards the child, since it's birth: you're "stuck" with it. The biological reality doesn't really matter. To protect the rights of the child etc... All fine in theory but in practice, it's very hard to digest for a lot of "fathers". Can result in all sorts of painful situations; e.g: if your wife has an affair, gets pregnant from another man (and you've off course behaved like a proper father towards the child)...

Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 13:58

Tbh I don’t care if she knew i was not or if she was “hoping” that i was the father. I find that irrelevant. Fact is if there was any doubts about paternity a decent human being would have voiced those concerns at the time of conception would they not?

Instead almost my entire adult life has been a lie. My freedom to choose whether i wanted to be a step father was taken from me. I was left to bond with a child believing i had helped bring her into this world when in fact i had not.

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 26/11/2018 13:59

You need to put that aside and answer this simple question. Do you want this child in your life?

That is some of the worst advice I’ve read on here. Why should he put that aside?! It’s not some minor white lie fgs, he’s just found out that the girl he believed to be his daughter for 12 years isn’t actually his! Why should he put that aside?! Jesus..

ErickBroch · 26/11/2018 14:28

I feel for you however you seem less upset about not being the biological father to your child than you do about having spent money...

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/11/2018 14:29

Would you rather not have had your DD in your life? It is a big shock, and of course you will have all sorts of feelings as a result. But your DD is also involved here, and is completely innocent in all this. She only knows you as her father, that isn't going to change. You have been there since she was in utero and have been there for her. The fact of her conception doesn't have to destroy your relationship with her, or how you feel about her.

BundyLancroft · 26/11/2018 14:40

Sperm donation does not a father make, OP.

You ARE her father, in the real sense. That is all that matters.

I hope to God you don't start treating your daughter any differently now, esp if you have other DC.

Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 14:50

ErickBroch Nothing could be further from the truth. But thank you for your very unhelpful judgemental post. Fyi i fully intend to continue to financially support the little girl I believed was mine but no it willnot be in cash handouts to my ex that my dd gets very little benefit from.

OP posts:
Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 14:58

Thanks everyone for your responses. Just to clarify of course i still love my little girl and don’t want our relationship to change. I may be the one who loved and raised her but she and i are not related.

Can I continue to live a lie? Possibly yes. But does she not deserve to know?

Yes she is innocent in all this i agree but so am I. Im i wrong to feel used? Betrayed? Or should i just suck it up and feel privileged that i was chosen for the task of raising her as i had the means and would do the right thing?

I don’t know what to do. Im saddened that people here are judging my feelings as being financially motivated. Ive supported this little girl all her life i was never a deadbeat dad. Im devastated that we are not related.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 26/11/2018 15:09

You don't have to do anything right now. Your daughter does deserve to know her parentage, but I think you should speak to someone with expertise in this area before you explain it to her. Maybe a family therapist or a child psychologist? How you deal with this could affect her greatly so I would take advice on the best way to approach it.

As I mentioned before, I would get some legal advice about where you stand with respect to parental responsibility. You might need to take steps to ensure that your relationship is legally recognised.

You have your DD, she knows you as her father. That's not something to feel negatively about, unless you really genuinely would rather not be a parent and be her father.

Try and see the feelings of hurt, betrayal and so on relate to your ex, not to your DD and your relationship with her.

Original poster
DevastatedDad2018 · 26/11/2018 15:19

Thanks AB i have no ill feelings towards my DD. I am in the process of seeking legal advice and have spoken to GP regarding counselling. I would never tell DD without her mothers involvement. At the end of the day as much as i now hate my ex i don't want my DD to lose her mother over this.

I guess i just needed to vent. Better to spew my feelings of hurt on an anonymous forum than in a setting that will affect DD. Maybe ive came across as selfish i don't know.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 26/11/2018 15:21

I agree with Sandy. All these 'be the bigger person' 'You're still her dad' posts are not from people who have been in your situation. You're not her father. You've been deceived and lied to. Bullshit it wasn't malicious. She betrayed you in the worst way a person can and you're allowed to be angry, to fight paying maintenance or even see the child. It's not yours. You won't get much sympathy from MN, though, because everyone loves to virtue signal that they'd just forget all about being lied to when it comes to paternity. I'd actually fight paying maintenance, tbh, if she tried it on. She's the one at fault, not you. As for 'poor child' again, her mother's 100% at fault here. She's a lying bitch.

PookieDo · 26/11/2018 15:25

You are hurt and angry I get it. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and I think it’s ok to feel the need to vent. You love your DD and want to be her father and one day she will need to know, but it’s probably not best to tell her while it is so raw - you will not find it easy to support her while in so much acute emotional pain yourself. Take this time to work with therapy and see your DD and support her emotionally (and financially whilst she is with you) and deal with your ex in a logical sense. How much will your DD suffer if you withdraw financial support from your ex? Will it cause a hardship that will affect DD?