Paternity Test

[DevastatedDad2018]

Hi, just found out last week via DNA test that my 12 year old daughter is not biologically mine. Results were i am excluded as biological father. Im truely devastated and don't know what to do. Im no longer with my ex we split 2 years ago. Ive confronted her and she is denying the results of the test and trying to gaslight me and make me question the test. Don't know what to do how could someone lie to a person for 12 years letting them believe they are related to someone when they are not. Ive just been a meal ticket and feel so stupid.

No, not selfish at all. It's a huge shock and of course it's going to upset you and cause you to feel all kinds of things. It's probably a good idea to follow up counselling for yourself as well, I would hope the DNA testing service would have the option for that, or you could organise it yourself.

It seems to me like a process of grief, with different stages of reaction to it. Hopefully you can come through it and continue to have a good relationship with your DD.

This is the reason why DNA tests ought to be mandatory for all births. Paternity fraud is the vilest of crimes and leaves nothing but destruction in every life involved. DNA testing not it protects from false claims but also can stop those denying responsibility. In your place OP I'd lawyer up fast and sue her for every penny you can. Paternity fraud is more common than people think, estimates put it at around 15% of children in the US are being raised by men who do not know they're not the biological father. It's needs to be stopped and made a criminal offence with a harsh punishment.

My withdrawing cash payments to my ex may cause hardship as her mother is selfish and won't think of spending "her" money on DD. But she never spent the money i gave her on DD anyway. Even when paying maintenence i would get requests to buy this and that as ex was too skint apparently even tho she was getting a substantial maintenence payment.

I would suggest making sure that when your DD is staying with you that she has everything that she needs, if her mother won't buy her essentials. And also putting the rest of what you would have paid in maintenance into a saving account for your DD, for the future so she isn't missing out because of your ex's behaviour.

When you were living together, did your ex look after your DD properly and buy her the right clothes/shoes etc?

Without going into details i would say yes DD had the "essentials" but only just. And with the amount i was paying she shouldve had much more that just "essentials".

I'd buy her the essentials myself and stop the maintenance. Personally I'm not convinced of the wisdom of continuing to hide the truth from this girl.

I agree with mandatory DNA testing, too.

Bioparenting is a world away from who you are and who you are to DD - her father, the man she loves and trusts, with good reason. You sound lovely.

Your ex - assuming she knows - has pulled a really nasty trick. You and DD are innocent - make sure your ex's stunt doesn't damage the loving relationship with your DD.

What made you suspect? Do you know who the, er, sperm donor was?

m0vinf0rward Thank you for your reply. I agree it is vile and there should be punishment for women who commit what is essentially a fraud. I haven't looked into sueing ex and tbh have no interest in doing so. Do i think there should be concequences for her yes, maybe a big tattoo on her forehead advertising to the world what a vile person she is that would be nice.

But to financially hurt her would just hurt the child and i still love DD even after this ive bonded with her for 12 years. I was there at all the scans. I was there in the delivery room. I worked 2 jobs in her first 2 years to provide for her while trying to be an active involved dad. I was there on her first day of nursery. I was there when she was rushed to hospital when she took a funny turn. First day of school all the way through to first day of high school i was there.

And all this time someone (her mother) was watching from the sidelines with knowledge that this child may not be mine. It truely is the most horrible of crimes.

LanaorAna2 Thanks i don't want to go into specifics lets just say ex was most definately no stranger to infedelity while we were together. Numerous affairs came to light over the years. There was other warning signs quite a few actually but i don't want to go into specifics.

This must be a terrible shock to you OP, and speaking as a guy, it's one of those 'worst nightmare' scenarios that any father would dread.

I think there are 2 separate issues here; your feelings towards DD, and the financial issue of supporting her (both in the past and future).

You've already said that your feelings towards DD won't change and you love her regardless, and I have to commend you for that. Some people may think that's an easy and natural statement to make when you've fathered her for 12 years, but given the huge shock and the impact of what you've just found out, I would argue that it can be difficult for some to see clearly. I know of a local guy who found himself in a similar position to yourself and virtually cut all contact overnight with the child who he thought was his.

As you know, many children are fostered, adopted, have step-parents and other loving relationships with adult figures/mentors in their lives - none of whom have any biological link. There's absolutely no reason you can't continue being Dad for your DD.

Regarding the financial issues, I'm very much of the opinion that your ex really needs to explain herself and there should be some legal retribution of sorts here. She has lived a lie for 12 years and carried you along unwittingly as a passenger in the whole facade. And on top of that, even if you HAD been the biological father, by the sounds of it she has completely abused your financial contributions which should have gone only toward's DD's wellbeing.

It's too late to change what's done now, but for anyone else in similar circumstances I would urge that you ensure your monetary contributions towards your child's needs are being spent on the child - not on holidays or booze or anything else. Insist on receipts. Use a specific account for that expenditure to easily track it or even order the items yourself. You can't account for every penny but you can minimise the risk of it being abused by a greedy parent.

Thanks DoctorManhattan. It is difficult. I still feel that gut wrenching emotional pain when i see DD. I am hoping that will subside. I don't want our relationship to change. But i know it has i mean what if ex decides she remembers who bio dad could be? What if DD seeks him out? What if he gets involved? Im not gonna lie im not sure i could handle that kind of pain and rejection. Its what im fearing the most right now. Thats what even well meaning people who say " but your still her dad" don't realise. Im not and i could be sidelined i couldn't handle that.

Its all just a horrible situation. One that rests soley on ex shoulders. She caused this by lying to myself and her child and now it me and DD who will suffer.

Jesus that must of hurt.

My oldests dad isn't in the bio sense (he's got a good idea since she was 6 month old when we met) we split 8 years ago when she was 4 they still have a brilliant relationship now albeit I've never lied or claimed maintenance.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing to discover. I wouldn’t pay a penny more to your ex, if she wants money then she can claim it from the father.

With regards to your relationship with the child only you can decide how to want to go forward. She has a right to know the truth of who her father is, and yes that does mean she may seek out a relationship with him. Personally I’d take some time for yourself, right now you must be reeling and in no state to make decisions. Arrange to see a counselor and hopefully with a clearer head you can decide where you want to go from here. This mess is not your fault, the repercussions of this are the responsibility of your lying ex.

I don't have anything to add to the good advice you've already had. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for the situation in which you find yourself.

you are named on the birth certificate then you have parental responsibility even if biologically you are not her father

He's been deceived and I would see a solicitor for advice on it.

Why should you have to pay for her going to University or for her wedding when you aren't her dad.

I'm not saying to abandon her...but I strongly advise you to seek legal advice.

SandyY2K I have spoken with the CSA if ex opens a case against me and i prove via DNA i am not the father they will close the case. Im am not legally liable to pay child support as far as CSA are concerned. I have been advised to request a decleration of non-parentage from a court. Im still considering what my next move is as a decleration of non parentage will have BC ammended and i will lose PR and with that my rights as "father".

OP - I am so so sorry, it must be a terrible feeling. And will take you years to get to a better place about it.
I do want to say, like the others already have.
While not being her biological father, I hope you’ll always stay the father to her. The bond you have is and will always be there.
And even if she one day meets the biological parent, your connection won’t change.

A friend of mine had discovered at 15 that the mother that raised her wasn’t her biological mother. It changed nothing in their relationship.
Hope it won’t for you either, despite your pulpable anger at her mother.

If you could wait until DD is a bit older - before you tell her - say till 16, or so - it will be easier on her.
Her entering early teenage years with this bomb exploding in her life - in addition to the divorce she already experienced - it may just be too much to deal with.

Thanks MMmomDD for your reply. I don't really have any control over the situation. As a father bio or not its upto the mother (ex) not me how things move forward. Ive made my position clear to ex. She is still denying test results and refusing to admit the truth. Ive told her i think DD needs to know but should be done with the three of us perhaps in a counselling environment. But ultimately how this plays out is no longer in my hands it is in her mothers.

This has only just happened. I have stopped her maintenence but agreed to provide things direct for DD. Until whats happened sinks in and the financial pressure builds on ex i have no idea how this will play out.

Tbh i fear once the loss of "her money" (maintenence) starts to bite she will start to be more awkward and use DD as a weapon against me. Perhaps stop contact i hope not but don't know. Some people think only of themselves.

Of course you can talk to your DD yourself if your ex is refusing to acknowledge what's going on. When she is staying with you then you can talk to her, once you're happy you know the best way of bringing this up with her. Just because her mother disagrees doesn't mean you have to do what she wants.

I would worry very much about the impact on your DD if you pursued the legal process of stopping parental responsibility and stepped away from being her father. She's not going to understand that, you've been there since before her birth as her father.

You have said that your daughter just gets the essentials whilst you pay generous maintenance - so stop paying your ex! I would suggest gradually reducing over a period of a few months and then just treat your 'daughter' when you see her. Worried about not seeing her anymore, well then, let your Ex explain to her daughter why not! I very much doubt she would. Your 'daughter' will have to know the truth when she is older, she is too young now.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you but you wanted to know the truth and now you have to face it, hopefully with some expert counselling.
This may seem completely irrelevant but when I faced infertility, no way would an adopted child or donor egg/sperm replace a biological one, for me. Not saying everyone is like that but that's my view.
Talk to your ex when the hurt has subsided. Tell her that you can not fathom why she never voiced her doubts (giving her the benefit of the doubt here) but that you can not live a lie now you know the truth but that you'd like to be in your 'daughters' life for as long as she needs you.

AB i only say to involve her mother as i don't want to negatively affect her relationship with her mother.

TOFT67 Thanks im hoping DD would push to see me if she tried this. I agree with your view being bio related does matter. I had no intentions of having further children DD was my legacy and that is something else that has been taken from me. IT meant something to me that "i helped create a life" but i haven't and yes i think it matters. Now im left with facing a choice of having a bio child now or in near future or accept that i have no "genetic legacy"

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think your first stop should be to clarify the things you can clarify. Seek legal counsel to see exactly what your legal position is wrt maintenance and access. Where I live, stepfathers can be legally held for support payments and can legally gain access rights if they have 'held out' a parent/child relationship. If the parents were never married, the position is a bit less clear-cut and more on a case by case basis. Then perhaps seek counseling to delve through your feelings AND to seek advice on when to tell DD. And she should be told at some point, probably when she is older and can better understand the truth.

As far as her seeking out her biological dad at some point, it's a possibility and it is her right to do so. As an adopted child, I understand why she may feel the need. My parents always told me that they would support and help me in a search (although I never felt the need). They understood that wanting to find my bio parents was no reflection on them or our love for each other.

You still helped bring her into the world if you were there for her from her birth.

You're not her step father, you're her father, you have been from day one.

Yes, be angry at her mother for lies, but she's still your daughter.

Your DD deserves to know the truth, if she then rejects her mother then that's what you get for lying. You both risk losing her if she finds out herself etc.

Paternity fraud is awful, I can't image in how it feels to learn a child is not yours after believing they were. I agree with the poster who said there should be checks before the birth certificate is certified. I wouldn't imagine this is rare.