Please can someone hold my hand

[Getoffthetableplease]

Situation for clarity - Husband of 10 years, 2 kids aged 2 and 7, 2 dogs, we privately rent, I've given up career to look after the children, now work a few hours a week evenings and weekends, big credit cards in my name as family trips and hols usually end up on there, he is self employed. He's got previous form for webcam girls, mini emotional affairs, issues with alcohol and gaming and porn addiction.

It's all come out before and he's refused to talk about things and usually disappeared for a couple of days leaving me to try to explain away where Daddy is. I want to sort things, I've always wanted to sort things but he puts up such a wall. It usually starts with him barely speaking for a week, not coming to bed with me, occasionally sleeping in spare room, just cold shoulder but when pressed says everything is fine. I get annoyed and upset and cry and rant it's clearly not fine and he calmly announces he is going to leave. Every time. It's just happened again last night, I honestly think this is it. I'm so so so scared I cannot handle this. I have a history for depression and anxiety (which admittedly hasn't helped anything) and last night was very close to suicide. I wanted to go in to him and ask for help but I thought he'd hold it and use it against me so instead I had to use all my strength to sit and sob my way through til morning thinking of my beautiful boys.

I just feel like it's all so out of my control, it doesn't matter he hasn't given us a chance to work at things, when he decides to chuck the towel in, that's it. I'm so scared the way I'm handling things is going to screw our kids up. The eldest is especially sensitive as it is. Financially I have less than nothing. I just feel shaken to the core and don't know how to be, what to do. Fuck this is all so lonely, he is supposed to be my best friend. Where do I start?

I don't have practical advice but I'm sure that living in that cycle can't have been good for you, your mental health or your confidence. That's probably why it all seems so daunting now.

I hope plenty people will be along soon with practical advice, but I am confident that with every step you take towards regaining control, the better you'll feel.

Oh bless you he's certainly not helping you more hindering you! Right now it may all seem very scary but day by day you will get by and I bet you in a year from now you will be a much stronger person than you are right now.

Have you ever told anyone about any of this in real life? Is there someone that you can lean on a little?

If he is unwilling to talk and help get these problems sorted I see no point in carrying on with this as you are most definitely making yourself sick with worry!

Big hugs to you xx

Oh lovely, he sounds awful and probably is contributing to you feeling so bad. Look into what help you'd get on entitled.com and start thinking of leaving. Also, he'll have to contribute financially and practically leaving you more time to work if that's what you want.

I really can't face the idea of our family apart though. We have a family weekend away booked this week, it's my birthday the one after, Christmas, ds7's birthday and a holiday all within the next few months and I really don't know how to get through it all without shattering my eldest's world. I think there's likely another woman, even just a confidante and the idea of that makes me sick with all kinds of emotions. Aside from the logistics of it all, I'm just not ready to say that's the end, but non of this feels like I have the slightest choice. I have told my mum in rl, but tbh she's so wrapped up with her previous relationship failures it's really hard. She's said to convince him to paper the cracks for the sake of the kids and so I can save money, but it doesn't sit right and I'm not sure it's possible anyway.

OP this is terrible and not your fault. He’s wrecked the family, you moving on from the situation with the DCs is saving them. They will miss what they know until they and you realise life is better away from your DH. They don’t have to stop seeing him, that’s up to him. For now, I understand how you find it hard to go before Xmas. Do this

1. Accept he is not your friend let alone on your side
2. He keeps showing you who he is, you must believe him, he’s not what he sold you when you got together
3. Make a good and bad things about him list and keep referring to it

4.write down how you want to be treated, what you want life to be

1. Resolve to get through Xmas and start plans for the new year

6.im sure others will be along with practical advice on finance, housing, divorce Remember it’s NOT YOU and NOT YOUR FAULT , he’ll tell you it is because it suits him to have you anxious, depressed and helpless. Go for it girl you can do it

Getoffthetableplease

I am so sorry to hear of your issues. Anxiety is just the worst thing in the world. I find mine makes me see everything for the worst and I overthink everything.

Firstly I think you need to go and speak to your GP and seek professional treatment. Secondly if your DH is treating you in such an awful manner that could be contributing to your anxiety. May be try and speak to someone at a charity with specific chat support to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Many women feel trapped because financially they will struggle, but there are ways of moving forward.

I so wish I could click my fingers for you and make it go away. Anxiety is crippling, but we are all here to listen.

Thank you, your replies make sense and mean a great deal.

All this has definitely contributed to my mental health issues. At the point I felt worst I was prescribed meds, which did take the edge off but I felt so numb for months, and had lots of side effects. Couldn't really change as was breastfeeding and didn't feel happy to. It was then discovered a lot of the stuff I'd initially felt so low and paranoid about wasn't actually all in my head and husband had been doing all kinds of stuff with other women online. It sent me in a tailspin about the meds as I'd put so much down to irrational fears and thinking, only to find out it was all actually happening. I came off them when I discovered all this and also when I realised I hadn't even smiled or genuinely laughed with my own kids since going on them. Now I'm scared an honest discussion re current feelings with GP will be turned against me if we go through with separation.

No-one else would know you'd seen your GP unless you told them. Really, it's a great place to start removing the control from him, and taking it back yourself.

Surely I couldn't be truthful about suicidal thoughts etc without that being referred on though?

The starting point for GP's is that they don't share anything without your consent. You can find information about exactly what and in what circumstances they are permitted to share on the GMC's website. Might be worth looking at as I'm sure it will help to put your mind at rest.

OP your feelings are how the situation with your husband is affecting you, they are not how you are going to be for the rest of your life. Hi to your GP, be honest, look forward, DH is your anchor literally and holding you down under deep water, push and swim away

Fuck. I've just been doing ds's homework with him on husband's laptop and as he finished a pop up came up with his mail and curiosity got the better of me. It turns out he wasn't in the office today, he let people know he was sick. He's just text to say he's on his way home from work and will be 45 mons or so. There were other messages on there talking about me, just little things from his mum regarding daft stuff when she was over (like a sticker saying ds's name and other granny from a children's centre group we were at that day). I feel really shaky. I want to know where he was but I think he's actually playing this all as a planned game. How could I be so fucking stupid. What do I even do or say when he walks in

Ina hurry right now but you deserve more than this, much much more and so by the way do your kids. Don’t do anything rash but make a promise to start planning what you want to happen and when and how you can make it happen.

@Getoffthetableplease so he's not been to work today? Where the heck has he been then!! Ask him about his day.. if he spills off all the usual work stuff smile and say that's odd an email popped up on your laptop which stated you were off sick.. so then where exactly have you been all day. It's time to take the upper hand woman 🙌

Hope you're ok OP. You either ask and wait for the gaslighting or you say nothing and start making plans to leave him and squirrel away some money for you.

We're over. Like no going back, no changing his mind, wants to sort out nitty gritty, over. And there is someone else, but he's playing her down as a friend, presumably for future protection. Feels like a bad dream.

How do I keep one foot in front of the other for my children, how. I cannot fucking do this. A decade of my life, all our future plans just fucking shattered to a million pieces.

You do it because your chn need you to and because you deserve a better life that is fulfilling rather than this shit

Big massive bloody hugs love.

It will not seem like it now but this is the start of your new life. The last decade is not a waste, you have your beautiful DC, and they will always keep you going as they love you.

One day you’ll be treated like you deserve to be and where you won’t need to be worried about what your DP is up to and where he is. For how though know that this isn’t a normal life and it isn’t helping your MH, you need to take deep breaths, maybe see you Dr regarding the dark thoughts and hold those children tight.

Fuck him, he’s an absolute dickhead. Everything is on him and his decisions.

You are stronger than you know and you WILL get through this, one step at a time. Keep posting and know we’re here for you. xx

Thank you, I feel so lost. Never have I wanted to wake up from a dream so much. I guess there's a whole array of emotions coming my way

@Getoffthetableplease big hugs my lovely. It's a shock to you right now but things will settle down I promise. Think of the future without this miserable git!! Small steps day by day and the improvement will be Smith is time next year. Who can you lean on in real life? Bows the time to make that call and let people step up and step in to offer you a bit of support. 💐

I've sadly drifted from so many people, there's only a couple I'd trust with this initially. An old friend did drive over in her pj's to give me a much needed hug and cry last night before I went to bed, so I am grateful there's someone who really cares in my corner. I don't know what's best re Christmas etc, I want to ask him to still be here for that, to break it to the children gently, but I don't know if this is a terrible idea re my own feelings. I feel so displaced emotionally. I was very proud I didn't remotely raise my voice last night, I think he expected me to so he could storm out and leave me with the pieces explaining things to the children, but it's not bloody happening.

Hold fire on Christmas land just yet, that's weeks away. This morning write down three things to achieve.. get some much needed advice on debts and benefits. Change the bedding maybe and have a soak in the bath. Little steps daily to piece yourself back together! Good of your friend to come over and offer a hug, keep taking that support my lovely, you can do this!

🙄 Christmas plans .. although Christmas land sounds quite nice.

We're supposed to be away this weekend at a Santa Sleepover thing, it was going to be a surprise, I know the boys would absolutely love but I'm not sure I can face two days of family time, or alternatively taking someone like my mum instead. Would also mean my mother in law having our dogs and I'm so mad at her atm I don't want that either, petty as it sounds. I would get most of money back if I cancelled today, but then I think realistically this will be the last Christmas my 7 year old really believes so I wanted to do something extra special. Feel torn on one last family memory for them, or just to write it off?