Situation for clarity - Husband of 10 years, 2 kids aged 2 and 7, 2 dogs, we privately rent, I've given up career to look after the children, now work a few hours a week evenings and weekends, big credit cards in my name as family trips and hols usually end up on there, he is self employed. He's got previous form for webcam girls, mini emotional affairs, issues with alcohol and gaming and porn addiction.
It's all come out before and he's refused to talk about things and usually disappeared for a couple of days leaving me to try to explain away where Daddy is. I want to sort things, I've always wanted to sort things but he puts up such a wall. It usually starts with him barely speaking for a week, not coming to bed with me, occasionally sleeping in spare room, just cold shoulder but when pressed says everything is fine. I get annoyed and upset and cry and rant it's clearly not fine and he calmly announces he is going to leave. Every time. It's just happened again last night, I honestly think this is it. I'm so so so scared I cannot handle this. I have a history for depression and anxiety (which admittedly hasn't helped anything) and last night was very close to suicide. I wanted to go in to him and ask for help but I thought he'd hold it and use it against me so instead I had to use all my strength to sit and sob my way through til morning thinking of my beautiful boys.
I just feel like it's all so out of my control, it doesn't matter he hasn't given us a chance to work at things, when he decides to chuck the towel in, that's it. I'm so scared the way I'm handling things is going to screw our kids up. The eldest is especially sensitive as it is. Financially I have less than nothing. I just feel shaken to the core and don't know how to be, what to do. Fuck this is all so lonely, he is supposed to be my best friend. Where do I start?