Please can someone hold my hand

[Getoffthetableplease]

Situation for clarity - Husband of 10 years, 2 kids aged 2 and 7, 2 dogs, we privately rent, I've given up career to look after the children, now work a few hours a week evenings and weekends, big credit cards in my name as family trips and hols usually end up on there, he is self employed. He's got previous form for webcam girls, mini emotional affairs, issues with alcohol and gaming and porn addiction.

It's all come out before and he's refused to talk about things and usually disappeared for a couple of days leaving me to try to explain away where Daddy is. I want to sort things, I've always wanted to sort things but he puts up such a wall. It usually starts with him barely speaking for a week, not coming to bed with me, occasionally sleeping in spare room, just cold shoulder but when pressed says everything is fine. I get annoyed and upset and cry and rant it's clearly not fine and he calmly announces he is going to leave. Every time. It's just happened again last night, I honestly think this is it. I'm so so so scared I cannot handle this. I have a history for depression and anxiety (which admittedly hasn't helped anything) and last night was very close to suicide. I wanted to go in to him and ask for help but I thought he'd hold it and use it against me so instead I had to use all my strength to sit and sob my way through til morning thinking of my beautiful boys.

I just feel like it's all so out of my control, it doesn't matter he hasn't given us a chance to work at things, when he decides to chuck the towel in, that's it. I'm so scared the way I'm handling things is going to screw our kids up. The eldest is especially sensitive as it is. Financially I have less than nothing. I just feel shaken to the core and don't know how to be, what to do. Fuck this is all so lonely, he is supposed to be my best friend. Where do I start?

I'd cancel and take the pressure off yourself this week.
Are you ok practically and financially? Has he left you in the house? Big hug. This is the best thing that could have happened, it just doesn't feel like it yet!

No, money wise I'm not okay, and even my small job I will have to give up as it's evenings and weekends so he was at home for the boys. We rent, but there's no way I can afford it, and I think even if we got housing benefit there would be a significant shortfall. I need to speak to someone re all that. Just don't know where to start. He stayed last night as I couldn't face the children questioning things this morning. He says he's going to split time between a friends house (30 mins away) and his mums house (an hour away) initially

Given the current financial issues I'd cancel. Also do you want to spend the weekend pretending all is ok for the sake of the children? Get yourself some benefit and debt management advice ASAP.

I'd definitely try to get the money back and try to economise wherever you can. Do you have access to joint finances? Can you put some of that in your own account in case he clears it all out?
Put your benefit claim in today as it cab take weeks to process.

Can you and someone else go, your friend or another child and bin DH off & enjoy yourself sigh the kids? DH can say he’s I’ll. you’ve got to separate your romantic ideas of him from the sad reality that he’s a 1st class twat in romeo’s clothes, you are on the 1st step to a better life , once you get through these next few hard months. Go not compromise put you and DCs first

I've just cancelled and managed to get a refund. Cue sitting in floods of tears in fucking Lidl carpark whilst the youngest sleeps. I can't believe they won't have any more happy family memories of us all together.

I have spoken to school today, which I feel much better for doing. Trying to establish support now rather than later. I've told a few more people/family I trust. I've also booked a telephone appt with a doctor I trust in a couple of weeks, was the best option available.

Fuck me, this is horrid.

Our finances are very separate. I've always had to ask and give details of anything needed so no chance of sifting anything.

I think you've done the right thing cancelling the holiday. Good news that you got your money back to! Surround yourself with as much support as you can, money will be right for now no doubt about it but you can get through this! Will he help financially? These debts although in your name are his also as it was money spent on holidays ect.. do you think you can have a calm discussion with him about this?
The school family liaison will be a good source of info, well done for speaking to the school that's a great first step. X

I totally get this, the whole nightmare and thinking you'll wake up from it.
I'm in the same boat.
Be very kindly to yourself, you are suffering from the trauma caused by him. He is the culprit of all this. People will want to help you, so do be open and ask. That's what I've done and the support has really helped. Just do what you can each day, you are starting to come out of an emotionally abusive marriage and it will take time. You are no way at fault, nor should you accept any responsibility for his actions.
Sending you smelly candles, bubble baths, chocolate bars and snuggly pyjamas. Xxxx

Hi
Firstly, I’m holding your hand.
Secondly, I completely understand that the thought of not having dh in your life is frightening. Maybe it will help if you try and simplify things.
If he won’t talk to you about the issues, then there will be no resolve. A relationship takes effort and love from both sides.
As he won’t discuss things and ‘man up’ you’re left with 2 options. Either continue as you are or you split.

If you continue as you are with your depression and suicidal thoughts....sadly that day could come. Your children will be left with a man who has difficulty facing up to things, supporting others, walking out, porn issues etc. Do you want your children left to him?

The sex stuff he’s done has been repeated and it has been insulting to you and I imagine hurtful.
Leaving you over and over has left you feeling alone, and to cope with your children and your issues.
How about you end this relationship. Do it for yourself and your children. You can take control. You deserve far better. Just because you have depression, doesn’t mean this is your fault.
Ask yourself this. What are you getting from this relationship?
You won’t be alone. You’ve only got to look on here and see so many of us have endured and left similar, if not worse situations and survived.
In fact I don’t recall anyone saying they’ve regretted starting again. For most people it’s been the making of them.

Thank you, everyone. Sat here crying again, it does mean a lot to just have people not involved to talk through it all x

You are stronger than you know OP.

How are you getting on? Has he gone now? Hope you're ok.

Just come online myself to see how you are, see..we care 💐

Thanks everyone, I'm a bit numb and exhausted tonight. Adrenaline has been all over the place today. He came home from work, wouldn't look my friend or me in eye, everyone played nice for kids. Dinner as per around table together. He feels like a stranger looking through me. So bloody hurtful after all this time. I will not lose my shit is my repeated silent mantra for self respect and the children. Once they were asleep I told him this weekend had been cancelled and maybe waiting til after Christmas to tell the kids is impossible too. He suggested we sit down tomorrow and start sorting details. Then he left, apparently to a friends, apparently will be back, but that was hours ago, who fucking knows. I've been trying to bury my head with a bit of matched betting (no, not gambling if anyone hasn't heard of it, or doesn't get it, I'm not that daft I promise!) just to top up a bit of cash, but also because I have to be so focused and meticulous, my head can't fill with all the other shit.

I would tell him he needs to have the DC for contact whilst your at work... whether he does that in your current home or at MILS doesn't really matter. He does not get to dump the DC on you and get to be free and single

I'm at work mainly evenings, often school nights, and hers is an hour away without traffic, plus the littlest still ends up with me in the night, I'm just not ready for them being away just yet. Maybe when he gets somewhere of his own. For now I'm not sure I could handle the skittles for breakfast, fill their heads with shiz that isn't true crap that I know would come from them sleeping at hers. If he's here then he's just going to be in my space doing whatever and talking to whoever whilst the boys are asleep. It's probably going to be the only way for now, but still not ideal. He already is managing the free and single though hey, third evening away somewhere unnamed on the trot.

Well it didn't stay calm here. Smallest woke up a few times, so I text just after last post on here asking what time he was planning on returning, he said ten mins followed by another text saying actually no he needs to make a phone call. I ask who is he phoning at half past midnight that's more important than his son asking for him and he replies with '4 hour time difference' which made it clear it was to the bloody new girl from Canada he half admitted to last night. I told him I thought that was disgusting. He came home, didn't even check on kids, then waited 10 mins before I heard him in the kitchen. I go in and he's on the fucking phone to her, again, in our family home! I saw red and went mad at him for such a fucking lack of all respect and compassion. Apparently it's my doing as I said I'd cancelled the weekend away etc. Right now I fucking hate him, what disgusting vile piece of dirt has such a lack of decency to be out for the day swimming and making family plans on a Sunday and be openly chatting to his new girlfriend in the kitchen on a Tuesday and expect his wife to be fucking okay with it.

I'm sorry for sweaty rant . I've got so much adrenaline I can barely keep myself together.

@Getoffthetableplease Jesus Christ op that's shocking. I've actually had the same thing. My ex was texting his new partner in my home
While I was pregnant with his baby.

Does the girlfriend know he's married? Can you look at his phone while he is sleeping?

Can you ring your mom to come over and keep you company tonight?

Oh ghostly I'm sorry, . How is everything now? What happened?

I managed a bit of sleep. His phone is very secure, but I've no doubt she was his confidante and knows the full score. Real lives often don't have as much value when you're talking online, do they. Plus he's the poor, misunderstood one to her, obvs, the one who's wife is too busy with you know, family life, to treat him like the needy man child he has never admitted he is to me in favour of dicking around elsewhere child . It's a cliché I can't even be bothered with. I just never thought it would come to this.

Am I right I'm thinking the OW is actually in Canada 😳

Yep fucking ridiculous. Make things final re leaving your family to run straight to your Reddit cyber sex buddy living on other side of the world. I do not get what he's fucking thinking.

I don't mean physically run, I don't think, yet at least anyway, who knows if that's around the corner though. I left it that if he's going to still be under this roof until we sort details then he needs to show some respect and not sit chatting to her here. I can't hold myself together in front of him much longer. I don't know how I feel about talking to him tonight, I feel sick.

I can't do this, currently laid in bed trying to stop crying so I can go and get the kids up and make porridge like I'm fine.

@Getoffthetableplease that's absolutely bonkers! He's not living in the real world is he!! You need to make it as clear communicating with this person under your roof is not at all acceptable.. if he doesn't like it he can leave. Try to remain calm, hard I know .. but in all honesty he's living in cloud cookcoo if he thinks this is the way forward.