He's not over his ex is he?

[intheshadows2]

NC as people know me on here. Need to just get this down on paper and get some objective opinions.
I'll openly admit I'm a little paranoid and overthink things due to being hurt in the past but I can't decide if this is my 'gut feeling' or my head creating issues that aren't there

Long story short, I was in a LTR but the guy I was with lied a lot, messaged other girls behind my back (probably cheated!) he was never where he said he was and god knows what else. Once I wised up to it and realised I ended things and I've not looked back since
I spent over a year single, coming to terms with being happy by myself and a few months ago decided to get back into dating as I felt ready to meet someone new
After a few months of enjoying the dating scene I met a guy who felt a bit more special and we're now boyfriend and girlfriend
He's kind, caring, funny and thoughtful- on paper he's perfect. He's given me no reason not to trust him other than I've gradually noticed how much he mentions his ex
They were together 7 years (lived together but no kids) and when we first met he said they split around 8 months ago because he felt like they'd drifted apart and wanted different things. He was clear that they remained on good terms but had just gone their separate ways. I took it as a good sign that he wasn't being horrid about her and left it at that.
We've been seeing each other (2/3 times a week) for about 5 months now. We chat on the phone and text a lot in between that. Everything feels easy and reassuring in that respect.
The one thing that I'm finding difficult though is the amount he tells me about all the things he and his ex did together. Not in a sexual way or anything like that but all the places they went together etc. He's constantly showing me pictures of places they went and things they did, not so much of her directly but obviously as he's scrolling through her face pops up. We've been dating 5 months and don't have a single photo together
We agreed to keep things very slow as I have kids (he doesn't) so we haven't met each other's friends or family at all yet, we're not even friends on social media
There's been a few occasions where he's said he wants to take me to this place or that place and we've had an amazing time but then he'll say something like 'when I came here with x' and my heart sinks a bit
We were casually chatting the other week and I asked if he missed her, he was fairly nonchalant really and just said 'no not at all' but I can't help feeling that I'm living in her shadow
Am I being crazy? Opinions welcome x

No I think you're right, it doesn't sound like he is over her sorry :( Why won't he post a photo of you 2 together, has he said?

Thanks for the reply
He's not said he won't, we just haven't taken any pictures together and we haven't added each other on any social media at all
I know it sounds silly, social media isn't important to me in itself I think it's just the fact he's always showing me stuff on there of stuff they did etc it stings a bit

The annoying thing is he's so lovely in every other way. We laugh so much when we're together, he does sweet stuff to let me know he's thinking of me, never makes me wonder what he's up to etc. It's literally just this one thing I can't get out of my head

I don't necessarily think he's not over her. If he doesn't have kids a lot of his time was probably spent with just her, do it's hard to talk about places he has been etc without bringing her up.

@Dextrodependant thanks, it's quite nice to hear that!
He never sings her praises or anything like that, it's more about the things he's done (and obviously she's been with him!) I suppose I've never been in a situation where I've remained friends with an ex so I'm not sure what's ok and what's not if you get me?
Sounds pathetic but I'm nervous of asking if we can add each other on social media, I guess I'm scared he won't want to which would confirm my fears and burst my little happy bubble!

If they were together 7yrs and it ended less than a year ago then he probably doesn't have much historically to chat about that won't involve her. I might suggest something along the lines of wanting to make your own memories and try somewhere new to eat or whatnot. Why no pics though? That seems a bit odd as everyone has a phone camera.

@FlyingMonkeys yeah I don't feel like he does it on purpose, he seems to enjoy sharing stuff he's done with me and obviously she's been a big part of that. He's 28 so she's been his only real long term relationship so far in his life.
You're right though, that's a good way of wording it. I want to make our own memories.

The picture thing I'm not sure, sometimes I feel like suggesting we take a picture together but then the moment passes or I feel like he might not want to so I back down. It sounds so stupid doesn't it?

The thing that made me post tonight was because we've been out today for the day for lunch and then a walk up a mountain (well, it felt like a mountain - more a very large hill!) When we got to the top there was a monument marking the highest point.
I did a stupid thing once he'd left tonight and scrolled through her pictures on FB to find loads of them together at the same place. It was over 3 years ago so I know I sound like a nutter right now

Ah bless you. You just sound insecure, you’re taking it slow but it leaves you feeling in her shadow. But I don’t think he sounds like he is isn’t over her. Just that his history is with her. Add him on your social media. And next time you walk up a big hill take a selfie!

I visit a lot of places with my current partner that I did with my ex. It’s because they are beautiful places... if he couldn’t face visiting them you’d have more reason to think he wasn’t over her tbh.

I think the barrier you have put up around your DCis creating more of an issue. It’s like your relationship is secret and that’s not his fault (nor yours...just sensible).

I had an ex like this. While I think he was over his ex, in my case with hindsight there was definitely an element of checklist style ‘things to do with a girlfriend (non specific)’ about it. Once he even admitted we were sleeping in the exact same hotel room they had done before. He has gone on to do exactly the same with my successor.

Try and break the habit, and visit places new to both of you?

@LatentPhase really? I think it's been going round my head so much I'd convinced myself all the replies on here would be negative!
Guess I need to grow some lady balls

I know that MN thinks single parents should only have secret dates for two years but tbh I really think most kids could cope with going for a walk with mum and her friend without being traumatised for life. Let them meet and connect on social media. Stop keeping it underground. You will feel more like a couple then

I don't think it's that he's not over her either, me and my fiance both talk about things we did with our exes, we were both married 15 years previously and so it's obvious that places we both went to were with other people. I think he sounds lovely! He sounds open and you don't want to cause him to have to walk on egg shells. We've all got a past. It would be different if he was praising her fashion sense and telling you to dress similarly, for e.g. or find in any reason under the sun to bring her up in conversation, but I any see anything wrong here 😁x

I think choosing to sleep in the same place is a bit odd but there are some gorgeous places in the UK and avoiding them says more to me than going there.

Yes op, just be brave. I was a bit like this when dating my DP initially. Good to take it slow with kids in the mix. That’s the grown up thing. It’s a new dating landscape now you have dc and all that. But it means you’re in a bubble and the bubble can feel a bit insecure and not ‘real’.

But, there’s a balance to be had between jumping in with both feet and being a total secret!

It sounds like he spent most of his adult life with her before he met you so most things relate to her. Regarding the pics, it was probably her who took or instigated the pics. I've got lots of pictures of friends because I take them or arrange to have them taken but they never take any.

Be yourself and forget about her. If you want a picture take it and if you want to add him on social media, do it. You have as much say in this relationship as he does and after a while you'll make many new memories with him that won't have anything to do with her, especially the ones you suggest or instigate.

sorry typed quickly! I meant 'finding any reason under the sun....'and 'I can't see anything wrong...'!

Pierce has it with this:
.........if he couldn’t face visiting them you’d have more reason to think he wasn’t over her tbh.

It can be really difficult going to places you previously went to with someone you still miss. This bloke is clearly happy to revisit places with you, enjoy it.

Yeah I'd agree sleeping in the same place would definitely freak me out I think!!

It's so nice to hear some positive takes on this as I'd really convinced myself you were all going to say he's still into her
@LatentPhase you're right if does feel like a bit of a bubble, he's not suggested meeting anyone yet and I suppose I do feel a little like I'm being kept 'underground' in that sense. I've convinced myself he doesn't want me on social media as he doesn't want his ex to know about me.
I don't think he's keeping me a secret as such though, his mum called him when we were together the other day and he was openly chatting away to her about what we'd been doing so his family obviously know about me.

He did say when we first started seeing each other that he didn't want to disrupt anything with kids etc and he wanted to take things really slow as it was all very new to him. I made the mistake of introducing my last nobhead boyfriend to them before finding out what a lying prick he was so I'm really cautious of them meeting too soon, I'm happy with slow I guess I'm just after some reassurance that he's not just using me as a rebound

Sorry, I know I'm waffling

He doesn't praise her, says he doesn't miss her.
Sounds like the things he's showing you are the places he's been and the memories he has.
He can't expunge his history with her - he'd have not very much to talk about if he'd been with her 7 years.
It's a bit weird you aren't friends on social media and don't take pictures together but that doesn't seem anything to do with his past.

@MotherWilliam I suppose you're right. I was married for 10 years to the father of my children and I'd be happy to take him places we went together. I don't think I'd show him all the pictures of us there though

@deydododatdodontdeydo i suppose I need to take the lead with it, looking at most of my friends who are in couples it's usually the woman doing all the pictures, don't think the men think about it so much!!

We were jokingly talking about if we won the lottery the other day and he kept saying 'we' could do this etc so I guess he sees me in his future??

I hate my brain sometimes

Sounds like similar situation to me, I been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. Like you I was pretty sure when we first met he was not fully over his ex. He kept casually bringing her up a lot.

I snapped one day and basically had it out with him.

Anyway, I think that woke him up and months later I am sure he is pretty much over her now. I have met his friends/family, he has met my daughter.

So I would advise, next time he brings his ex up or shows a picture. Just tell him how that makes you feel, after 5 months you should feel comfortable doing that.

@safetyfreak thanks, I don't mind him dropping her into convo occasionally it's more seeing all the pictures that makes me feel a bit unsure.
I'd probably feel better if we had some of our own
You're right though, I need to have a conversation with him really don't I?!

Well I certainly would never have that issue, I can count on fingers of one hand where i have a pic or mention on social media, mind you im much the same