He's not over his ex is he?

[intheshadows2]

NC as people know me on here. Need to just get this down on paper and get some objective opinions.
I'll openly admit I'm a little paranoid and overthink things due to being hurt in the past but I can't decide if this is my 'gut feeling' or my head creating issues that aren't there

Long story short, I was in a LTR but the guy I was with lied a lot, messaged other girls behind my back (probably cheated!) he was never where he said he was and god knows what else. Once I wised up to it and realised I ended things and I've not looked back since
I spent over a year single, coming to terms with being happy by myself and a few months ago decided to get back into dating as I felt ready to meet someone new
After a few months of enjoying the dating scene I met a guy who felt a bit more special and we're now boyfriend and girlfriend
He's kind, caring, funny and thoughtful- on paper he's perfect. He's given me no reason not to trust him other than I've gradually noticed how much he mentions his ex
They were together 7 years (lived together but no kids) and when we first met he said they split around 8 months ago because he felt like they'd drifted apart and wanted different things. He was clear that they remained on good terms but had just gone their separate ways. I took it as a good sign that he wasn't being horrid about her and left it at that.
We've been seeing each other (2/3 times a week) for about 5 months now. We chat on the phone and text a lot in between that. Everything feels easy and reassuring in that respect.
The one thing that I'm finding difficult though is the amount he tells me about all the things he and his ex did together. Not in a sexual way or anything like that but all the places they went together etc. He's constantly showing me pictures of places they went and things they did, not so much of her directly but obviously as he's scrolling through her face pops up. We've been dating 5 months and don't have a single photo together
We agreed to keep things very slow as I have kids (he doesn't) so we haven't met each other's friends or family at all yet, we're not even friends on social media
There's been a few occasions where he's said he wants to take me to this place or that place and we've had an amazing time but then he'll say something like 'when I came here with x' and my heart sinks a bit
We were casually chatting the other week and I asked if he missed her, he was fairly nonchalant really and just said 'no not at all' but I can't help feeling that I'm living in her shadow
Am I being crazy? Opinions welcome x

@PolkaDoting it's really hard to put it into perspective on here. It's not really like that it's more like we'll be chatting about something and he'll be like 'oh yeah when I was in x I did this (swam with dolphins/ rode a camel/ jumped out of a plane that kind of thing) and then he'll say 'I have a picture of it somewhere and show me a few pics'

I feel like I'm being horrible now because there's more to him than this 🙈 it's just I've highlighted this specific thing because it's been on my mind

I should point out that we do have plenty of conversations that have nothing to do with his ex as well!

Showing his travelling photos sounds cliched and dull!

Personally I dislike it when men refer to women as “high maintenance”, or say “you’re so different”: it’s disrespectfulc sexist and often a subtle hint to be “undemanding”.

Look forward to the after Christmas weekend break away. That'll open up chat about a new place to go, what to do/see, and provide plenty of pic worthy opportunities. If he travelled with his ex then that'll be the bulk of his experiences chatting about a place/event. It really doesn't sound like he's hashing over old ground though. After the New Year you'll have been together 6mths, and it'd be a good time to raise adding on FB, meeting friends. New year, new start and all that.

Hmmm @Loopytiles I think I may have worded all that badly as he's non of those things!

It was a passing comment he made right at the start of dating when he was talking about his travels, he said he'd like to go back and revisit some places alone as he's done things on his ex's terms before as she could be quite demanding.
He's always been the perfect gentleman in terms of he always plans lovely dates, pays for everything without even thinking (although I'm independent and stubborn so I jump in and stop him so I can pay sometimes!)
It was never 'you're so different' just that I'm not what he was used to as I'm more of a sleep under the stars kind of girl than a 5 star hotel one if that makes sense?

@FlyingMonkeys that's a good idea thank you, I will!
I'm in no hurry, I suppose I just wanted opinions as to what is an acceptable level of ex!!

See, saying his ex was “quite demanding”, early on in dating, still seems off. If he wanted to do things differently, go to different places, why didn’t he? disrespectful to his ex and even if it’s the truth doesn’t reflect well on him either, if he was passive.

Paying for everything isn’t a positive IMO. Unless he’s significantly wealthier than you are perhaps.

@Loopytiles I don't know, I suppose I can sit here and make excuses for how he was with his ex but I can relate to it as it's kind of how i was with my ex husband. Went along with stuff for an easy life.
It was one comment and I don't think he meant it in a bad way, it was more reflective as in he didn't really realise that's what was happening at the time but in hindsight he'd have done things differently iyswim?

I've just read things back and realised what a pathetic plonker I sound like! I'm quite assertive in real life, have a high powered job and very independent. He's jokingly commented before about how he doesn't want to screw things up with me as he doesn't see me as the type that would put up with any shit which I realise isn't the impression I'm giving off on here!
I am quite insecure but very good at hiding it I guess

I don’t think you’ve been especially insecure. Seems more like he’s been insensitive, although posters have mixed views

It’s sensible to be cautious given the circumstances.

Do speak to him though when things he does bother you.

I was with my ex for 7 years. Over that 7 years we travelled and seen the world and ticked a lot off bucket lists. Do date some of these things are my fav memories. When we split up i met someone new and would talk avout where i had been and the things i had seen and done in all the cities. Bf at the time pointed out, and quite rightly, that all my stories I would mention my ex. I honestly didn't realise. And was a bit mortified. Since then I made a conscious decision and effort not to.

I think it was just really hard coz I had made so many memories with someone over 7 years I didn't have many experiences without him!

Could it be that your partner doesn't realise just how much he is mentioning her?

@Onestep2 I think that's more it than anything else, I think because it was such an amicable split as well, he still classes her as a friend

@intheshadows2 in that case I wouldn't read too much about it and would defo have a wee chat with him about how it makes you feel.

If he's anything like me he will be mortified!!

@Onestep2 thanks, I know I need to don't I?

I do think he'll be a bit mortified so I'll have to be careful how I broach it, I don't want him to feel he can't share stuff with me. I do enjoy hearing about the things he's done - and he's always asking questions and keen to hear my stories too, I don't want to lose that.

You’ve done a complete u turn on your initial post and have changed to defending him and worrying about how you broach the subject.

Your feelings are valid OP no woman wants to hear about an ex, I doubt he’d like it if you were.

You can quite easily tell him you feel he mentions his ex a lot and it’s made you wonder if there’s unfinished business there, it’s not all about his feelings yours matter too. I’d also raise the subject of you both becoming friends on social media, why not ?

Sorry I just get the feeling no matter how wonderful you say he is he’s not showing a great amount of consideration and for me that’s a red flag.

Talk to him.

@Adora10 thanks I appreciate your view. I don't think I've done a complete U-turn, more that I've taken peoples comments on board and realised that perhaps it's not as sinister as I'd built it up in my head to be.
Like I said earlier this is a snippet of our relationship that I'd focused on as it had been on my mind but after chatting it through and looking at the bigger picture I'm feeling slightly less of the view that he's obsessed with his ex and more that he just genuinely doesn't realise or think it's a problem. I have mentioned my ex and we've chatted generally about past relationships etc, he's always seemed very relaxed around the subject.
Of course I don't want to go in all guns blazing, I don't find that approach solves anything and it's not how I handle things so I will be mindful of his feelings when I speak to him, but I will speak to him about it

And yes, it's probably time we added each other on social media I agree

Just be careful OP at 5 months he should be impressing you not making you feel insecure about an ex, I’d be concerned about the social media exclusion also it’s just not feeling all that great to me but hopefully you can both cement things for the better 👍

I haven't read the entire thread but I have read all your posts op.

imo he is being so tactless! Of course we have memories - but we don't splatter them over a new relationship! The only time that is appropriate is when eg a widow and a widower get together and extensively talk about their deceased spouses. Other than that it's just tactless.

Perhaps he's getting the drift that it's tactless, hence his suggestion you do something neither has done before.

How would he like it if at every turn you're talking about your last relationship and your phone is bristling with photos of your ex? You just wouldn't do it - it would be so tactless.

@Adora10 thank you. The social media thing is just as much me as him, he's not massively into it so tbh he probably hasn't thought much about it
He is impressing me in every other way, it's just this one part that had raised some concerns

@springydaff thanks, I know you're right he is being tactless but knowing him I do believe it comes from a good place if you get me?

The ‘my ex was so high maintenance’ is concerning as clearly he liked that or he wouldn’t have been with here for so long! The ‘you’re so different’ is usually a bad sign, he’s saying you’re different to the girl he was in love with for close to a decade. I reckon he likes a high maintenance woman and he’s just chilling with you but you’re seeing it as a potential long term thing. If after five months he hasn’t added you to SM, talks about his ex often, is still friends with her and bangs on about her rather than trying to impress you, he wants to ‘take it slowly’ etc it sounds like he’s just not that into you. Mentioning what you’ve been up to to his mum doesn’t mean anything, she could know you’re just someone he’s dating. It’s unlikely that with all of the above going on he’s told his mum he’s met the woman of his dreams and is going for it with you! Now you’re saying the social media thing is equally to do with you as well but it sounds like you’re trying to persuade yourself of that given that earlier you admitted being nervous of trying in case he rebuffs.

Five months in it shouldn’t be like this. I’m sure he likes you well enough but I think he’s just not that into you sadly. He’s not trying to impress you and his heart and mind is with his ex. Given that they’re still in contact with each other I’d say that’s even more the case.

I think this’ll just fizzle out or he’s using it to get over his ex. Sorry. The more you write the more clear it becomes that he’s just not that bothered about you. Look how much effort you’re putting into working it out here while he can’t even manage to not show you pictures of his ex!

If you wanna try salvage this I’d pull back a bit tbh. Be a bit more elusive. Don’t show your feelings as readily. Get busy with other stuff. Let him wonder whether you’re into him instead of him having all the power. He really needs to see that the way he’s acting isn’t the way to your heart, it’s not how you treat a new partner. You’ll soon see whether he steps up his game or melts away.

I’m a big believer in trusting your gut this early into the dating process. Your gut is saying he’s not over your ex and therefore not available and it’s making you feel insecure. Listen to it instead of making excuses and bending over backwards trying to find alternative excuses (he’s probably not into SM, he’s tactless, has probably not aware of how he’s acting). Anyone with two brain cells know that constantly mentioning and showing pics (!) of your ex to a new partner is offpurting and hurtful. The fact he’s chosen to do it anyway is telling.

The guy I am seeing added me on fb as soon as we asked each other our last names! I didn't mind as it's very easy to delete someone if it doesn't work out. My fb is full of pictures of my ex as we only separated less than a year ago but you would obviously have to search for a while or in specific albums to find them. Same with him but again, I don't expect someone to erase their history with someone just because they are in a new relationship - especially where kids are involved.

I would just make a quick comment about adding him on fb and if he isn't horrified then just do it! The other stuff I would maybe just say gently that you understand she is a massive part of his history but that it would be nice to concentrate on the future and maybe have one or two pictures of you together. Whether they are on social media I don't see as being important but it might be nice for you to have some.

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine thanks for your honesty, I suppose he maybe could see me more as a temporary thing than a long term thing? Maybe he just isn't that into me?
I am always busy with other stuff - got a lot going on! and he does always make the effort to fit around me and but I get what you're saying completely.
Sometimes I struggle to determine the difference between my gut instinct and my paranoid brain (there have been times in the past where I've got it totally wrong!) which is why I came on here for opinions

I think the comment about his ex being high maintenance and me being different though has been taken out of context, it was just a passing comment and he did say he didn't really realise it at the time, like I said I can relate to that as hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Despite how I may come across on here, I'm not going to fall to pieces if this doesn't work out.
I'm going out with him tonight so I'll approach the subject and see where we end up.
Thanks everyone!

@Sunshineandflipflops thanks. I think the social media thing is different for everyone.
I did jokingly say to him earlier in the relationship 'god I could never show you all the stuff I get tagged in on fb, you'd run a mile!' So it's just as likely that he thinks I don't want him on mine!
I suppose, like you say, his reaction to me bringing it up will be a big giveaway as to how he feels

I'm revisiting this post to give an update (not that anyone probably cares!) but just for anyone who may be reading it, as it's been a while since I originally posted.
Had a big chat with my BF after posting this, he had no issues adding me on social media when I asked, it hadn't really crossed his mind that we weren't friends on there and he added me straight away.

The ex thing I haven't really needed to bring up as this seems to have stopped on it's own, he's not brought her up for a while now and we now have pictures of us together which he has put on his social media ☺️He's met some of my family now and we're going out for dinner with his parents next week.
Just thought I'd update with a positive ending, thanks to all those who gave advice. It just goes to show that overthinking is pointless and it's best to get these things out in the open!
Thanks again x

Delighted to read your update OP.