He's not over his ex is he?

[intheshadows2]

NC as people know me on here. Need to just get this down on paper and get some objective opinions.
I'll openly admit I'm a little paranoid and overthink things due to being hurt in the past but I can't decide if this is my 'gut feeling' or my head creating issues that aren't there

Long story short, I was in a LTR but the guy I was with lied a lot, messaged other girls behind my back (probably cheated!) he was never where he said he was and god knows what else. Once I wised up to it and realised I ended things and I've not looked back since
I spent over a year single, coming to terms with being happy by myself and a few months ago decided to get back into dating as I felt ready to meet someone new
After a few months of enjoying the dating scene I met a guy who felt a bit more special and we're now boyfriend and girlfriend
He's kind, caring, funny and thoughtful- on paper he's perfect. He's given me no reason not to trust him other than I've gradually noticed how much he mentions his ex
They were together 7 years (lived together but no kids) and when we first met he said they split around 8 months ago because he felt like they'd drifted apart and wanted different things. He was clear that they remained on good terms but had just gone their separate ways. I took it as a good sign that he wasn't being horrid about her and left it at that.
We've been seeing each other (2/3 times a week) for about 5 months now. We chat on the phone and text a lot in between that. Everything feels easy and reassuring in that respect.
The one thing that I'm finding difficult though is the amount he tells me about all the things he and his ex did together. Not in a sexual way or anything like that but all the places they went together etc. He's constantly showing me pictures of places they went and things they did, not so much of her directly but obviously as he's scrolling through her face pops up. We've been dating 5 months and don't have a single photo together
We agreed to keep things very slow as I have kids (he doesn't) so we haven't met each other's friends or family at all yet, we're not even friends on social media
There's been a few occasions where he's said he wants to take me to this place or that place and we've had an amazing time but then he'll say something like 'when I came here with x' and my heart sinks a bit
We were casually chatting the other week and I asked if he missed her, he was fairly nonchalant really and just said 'no not at all' but I can't help feeling that I'm living in her shadow
Am I being crazy? Opinions welcome x

Ah, OP, if he talks and uses the term ‘we’ then that’s a great sign . You’re overthinking this. Get brave and send him a request on ye olde Bookface (although beware there are probably photos of him and his ex on there so a double-edged sword...!)

I agree with the suggestion that it's probably just as it's a fairly recent breakup of a long relationship, so it's natural that it might be hard to 'get away' from the places they went and the things they did. It might even be a good sign he can speak openly about it, because I think someone still carrying a light for someone else might be more likely to clam up and be conspicuously silent on the matter.

I think after 5 months it's perfectly reasonable to add each other on social media. I'm trying to decide about the mentioning. It might be a little odd as I'll say to my partner that I've been to whatever the place is but I won't mention it was with my ex as it doesn't seem necessary but I your think your bf is doing it without really thinking, ie he's saying it because it's something that happened, not because he's thinking of her.

Maybe suggest making a list of places he's never been but wants to go to so you can make memories together. And have photos taken together while you're there

I think you're over thinking it, too.

He was with her his whole adult life so far. Apart from boring work stuff a lot of his stories are going to relate to times she was with him, etc. The photo thing seems perfectly normal to me too (I think there are probably single digit photos of me and DP of 4 years, none of which are in public domain- some people just aren't into loads of photos?).

Add him on social media? I think that's reasonable after 5-6 months+.

Rather than make it a big deal, find something on Facebook and show him when he’s around. As he’s looking just say something like “oh I was gunna tag you but forgot we don’t have each other on Facebook, I’ll add you now for next time” and just do it. If he says no or whatever then ask him why.

Thanks everyone. I know it all sounds really daft when you put it down on paper, but it really helps to hear all your views.
I think I need to relax

Don't think you are insecure at all, is he always so insensitive, I'd never dream of banging on about my ex even if we had just split recently, who wants to hear that; it's fucken rude OP!

I'd pull him up every time he pulled out another pic of them together, I'd also be asking that we socialise with both my friends and his and that we are friends on social media, what makes you excluded?

@Adora10 I wouldn't say he's been banging on about her and I think in a mature adult relationship there's no reason to not acknowledge your past so I don't expect him to never speak about her, I suppose I'd just rather not see all the pics

To be fair to him, he hasn't excluded me any more than I've excluded him. Neither of us has suggested meeting each other's circles yet, I guess we've been happy in our little bubble and sometimes squeezing each other in between work and my kids can be tricky so we tend to try and make the most of our time together
I think after hearing everyone's thoughts on here I feel a bit more confident about the reason he's sharing the stuff with me, so it's not actually bothering me so much when I look at it through those eyes.
He also text me earlier asking if I fancy a weekend away in the new year, somewhere neither of us have been before which I guess is a good thing right?

Start taking pictures when you're with him - it may be that the ex was the one who would start the "lets take a picture!" which is why they have so many. You may just need to start promoting it so it becomes a habit.

Hey i just think that your over thinking, a ex is a ex for a reason.maybe just have a chat to him & say its making u feel this way when he brings up his ex so much pics etc. I think if u want pics with him then just say to him u want to take some. I dont think u have anything to worry about x

*I'm finding difficult though is the amount he tells me about all the things he and his ex did together

we're not even friends on social media

but I can't help feeling that I'm living in her shadow
I've convinced myself he doesn't want me on social media as he doesn't want his ex to know about me.*

All of the above are valid reactions OP, it's up to you, I can only tell you what I would do in your position and I would be pulling him up on the amount of time he talked about his ex, I wouldn't be interested to that extent, and for the record I've had two previous LTRs and made a point of NOT talking about them, I just think it shows a lack of respect.

@Adora10 i totally understand what you're saying, I just don't want to kick off or 'pull him up' on it as such as I think his intentions are genuine. I think I maybe just need calmly approach the fact I don't particularly want to see her face so much!

Thanks for confirming that my reactions are valid though, it's easy to doubt yourself when you've gone round and round in your head about these things!
It's nice to hear everyone's views from all angles, I appreciate it

This is really one of the normal trials and tribulations of dating someone with a history... not a red flag and not a guarantee he isn’t over her, but definitely a pink flag to watch out for.

You gotta talk to him! It’s normal in a new relationship to discuss your past loves to get a feel for the other person’s prior experience, but after a few convos or a few weeks the focus should really start to be on you two as a new couple and be looking to the future. Just tell him. Tell him it’s okay if he shares past things he’s done, but that he doesn’t need to show photos of his ex or mention he was with her unless it’s really important to the story. If he’s a good guy he’ll understand. Make sure you’re not doing the same in return with your ex too.

My OH and I shared a lot to begin with in the first couple of months about our past loves, sex lives etc. showed each other one pic of our exes, but then that was it. In my experience if you’re crazy about the person you’re dating there’s very little room in your mind and time together to be continually bringing up the ex: a little is fine, but if you’re feeling insecure and like he’s overdoing it instead of showing how lucky he feels to be dating YOU now I’d bear that in mind and take it as a pink flag. The only reason I’d be frequently bringing up my ex to OH in the first few months of our relationship would be because he wasn’t fully holding my attention, I wasn’t afraid of putting him off or concerned about his feelings, and I was still letting my ex occupy a lot of my heart rather than having room for someone new.

The first few months are supposed to be sunshine and rainbows, both of you made up you found each other and putting your best foot forward, crazy intense passion and excitement. If he’s uninterested in you and where you’re going to the extent that he shoehorns his ex into every conversation I’d be thinking he’s not that into you sadly.

Also it’s odd you’re not on his social media after nearly half a year... my OH and I purposefully didn’t add one another until a couple of months in as we wanted the joy of getting to know each other slowly without everything laid on a plate, being able to rifle through each other’s pasts and friends and interests and photos, we wanted to get to know each other organically. But five months? Why isn’t he curious and wanting to befriend you on there? He sounds a bit lukewarm.

When my OH and I did add each other there was nothing inappropriate on there to see, no photos of exes, we were both emotionally free and available and ready to invest in our new relationship. It would be another pink flag if you do end up adding him and see his ex all over his page. It’s a matter of respect imo, your social media presence is part of the way you choose to present yourself to others.

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine thanks. I have a feeling his social media will be full of her still.

I mean, if they were together for that long, it's likely that most of the things he's done in the last decade involved her....if he didn't mention them, then he'd be leaving out swathes of his life.

Take pictures I you want one, it's likely she was the photo taker so he doesn't think to do it.

At best it’s rude and inconsiderate of him to repeatedly mention his ex.

He started dating you very soon after his relationship ended, only 3 months? And your relationship sounds like it’s “in a box”, eg not “in a relationship” on social media, not meeting each other’s friends etc.

Sounds like he’s dating you just for now. If you want the same, fairly casual, that’s fair enough, but if you’re hoping for a long term relationship with him don’t think the odds sound good. I definitely wouldn’t introduce him to the DC.

It’s really easy to mention things you’ve done, places visited etc without explicitly stating “with Jane” each time. Doesn’t need saying.

Friends of mine said the same thing about me years ago, I'd been with my ex for 5 year and lived with him fir 4.5 of those. It was a messy break up with him moving to another country.
I would quite often talk about places I'd been and have photo's, it wasn't intentional at all just that 'we' had gone there and not 'i'. Some of my photo's have my ex in because we were there together. Nothing intentional and i was completely over him, it's just that i experienced these places or events with someone and that's how i referred to it if i was talking to someone. He may well be over her, he just needs to make new memories that's all

Have I misunderstood or missed something (apologies if I have)- I thought OP said he wasn't repeatedly mentioning the ex by name or showing pictures of her? Just mentioning general events, And OP happens to know that those events would have involved his ex (because of course they would as they were together at the time)? If he is name dropping every time then yes, inconsiderate.

Haven't read the whole thread but based on your op,

We've never posted a pic together and we've been together years now... I can count the number of pics of us together (not posted!) on one hand. And he was extremely hung up on his ex for the first 6 months we knew each other. And I was in a messy divorce situation for even longer than that.

People go through stuff. Once you get past your mid twenties, it's inevitable there is baggage all over the place. Five months in is very early days, you barely know him.

He's thoughtless/rude to bang on about his ex, but having said that, I'm pretty sure I was similar for the first year after my marriage ended - because I was going through stuff and it was really hard. Luckily my partner was kind about it and realized it was just me dealing with stuff and not a reflection on him at all. Because it really wasn't.

However, if you want a situation where you are the queen of his heart from the word go, etc., then I'd say this situation isn't for you and perhaps best to move on. it's all about what you want, in the end.

For me, I was wary of any sign of love bombing (e.g. if he had taken or posted pics of us at 5 months in, I would have felt invaded tbh) and preferred to move at a snail's pace, since I too have DC and he doesn't etc.

Apologies I did misread things. I think I may have b3en half asleep earlier. He is name dropping her frequently and showing you photos of her. I wouldn't necessarily delete stuff if I was friends with an ex but I think I would politely avoid showing them loads of pictures of them or mentioning them lots

I don't get the showing of pics either, nobody is saying you can't mention an ex when talking about places you've visited but to actively show you him with her sharing a moment is just bloody weird!

Thanks @oiiiiiii
I'm not bothered about being the queen of anything to be honest! I'm perfectly happy going at snails pace for now. The last guy I was with was very intense and it's so nice to be with someone where it feels more natural and relaxed, with no pressure so to speak

Again he doesn't bang on about her as such, maybe I wasn't clear in my original post I meant it's more when he's telling me about what things he's done but then her name will crop up because she was with him at the time. They did quite a lot of travelling together so he's sharing his stories with me (which I do enjoy) but I suppose because I'm an overthinker, I'm just always aware of her presence in the stories!

@Adora10 he doesn't show me pictures directly of them together, but when he's scrolling through the albums on his phone of his travels to show me the places, he inevitably ends up scrolling past all the ones of her too and sometimes he'll stop on one of them in a certain place to tell me about the place, not so much her

I suppose the only real info he's actually said about her is that she was the high maintenance type and that I'm a breath of fresh air in comparison- is that a good thing?

I suppose it boils down to the fact I need to speak to him don't I?
In all honesty, I think he'd be mortified to think he might have upset me in some way.

Yes, you definitely need to speak to him.

Also, why is he scrolling through loads of pics on his phone anyway, the 2018 equivalent of the unasked for holiday slideshow?