Leaving a SAHP

[Hacklesupdate]

My DH is the SAHP, I work long hours and get home at 7pm, we have two DDs ages 3 and 6. Him not working is not our joint choice he just refuses to get a job. I’m so unhappy in our crappy, unequal relationship but terrified if I do leave because he’s the SAHP I won’t see the children much. It would kill me to have every other weekend and a night in the week. I know he would fight dirty in any divorce too, I just feel trapped.

I do feel for you as I was once in the same boat- husband was the full time carer and I did not want to leave and loose access to the children.
Are you in the position where you could cut down work to part time for 6months and go for 50/50?
Are you married ? It would be easier if not- we just came to a 50/50 arrangement in the end.
Once your youngest child is in school then there will be less stay at home childcare required.

We are married but he can have all assets I just want him gone. There is an awful frosty atmosphere that must be damaging my children’s lives. I just can’t bare the thought of losing them. I would love 50/50 I just don’t think he would go for it.

I work 8-6 5 days a week and even then we are only just financially afloat. I’ve begged him to find work but he won’t. I can’t do this anymore. I would love to work part time but we would couldn’t afford to pay bills etc and he wouldn’t step up. I just feel like crying all the time. I hate my life and my relationship and there is no way out.

When we have talked about leaving before he agreed to me to have kids Fri afternoon- Monday morning every other weekend. Is that enough time? I feel like such a failure as a mother but I am damaging them by staying.

Got part time leave and tell him 50/50.

Keep paying the bills but remove all his pocket money... This is not you being financially abusive it is about him being a lazy sod.

Can you trust him to stick with what he promises if you separate?
I would speak to a solicitor to see how things stand legally. Start from there.

There is a way out.

You're depressed/distressed at the moment and you can't see there is hope. There is hope.

Talk to your local Women's Aid about your options.

If you cut down your hours it's likely you'd qualify for benefits.

There IS hope. You can get out of this intact xxx

I would seek legal advice ASAP re the children and access arrangements. It’s not down to him to dictate terms and he is coming across as completely unreasonable here.

Both Women’s aid and the rights of women organisations could be of great help to you at this time too.

Do not do your bit here further to teach your children such damaging lessons on relationships. Make a new life for yourselves without him in it day to day, you will thank yourself for doing that.

Keep paying the bills but remove all his pocket money... This is not you being financially abusive it is about him being a lazy sod.

If it was a woman who was the SAHP to a 3 and 6 year old no one would say she was being lazy, and this would be called financial abuse.

See a solicitor asap.

I was in a similar position and when ex left I went part time and arranged childcare and the children stayed with me. I would seriously look into it even if it just a temporary arrangement.

If the family makes a decision for one parent to stay at home fair enough but that’s not the case here nor in mine where ex would not work and still doesn’t six years later and the dc are teenagers.

I wouldn't refer to him as a SAHP or childcare provider; he's an unemployed waste of space. If he worked you'd be able to reduce your hours to spend more time with your DC and be able to pay for them to go to nursery or childminder.
Take on board the advice pp have given re not supporting his lifestyle and seeing a solicitor.

Give him a deadline to find a job and tell him after that no more financial support. Why on earth did you let him quit and then put up with it? I'd have packed his bags the moment he decided he didn't have to contribute financially.

@RedSkyLastNight he's not a SAHP. He's unemployed and refusing to work.

The kids are still young. One nursery and one primary. What's wrong with having a sahp until they're both at school?
I had 1 child as i can't afford more and was sahm for 5 years whilst oh supported us. I've been back at work for 6 years now and i contribute.
Will he consider nights? Driving job day or night?
Is this the only issue?

If this was reverse?

If this was a reverse I'd say the same. It's an utterly selfish decision to quit work and opt out of contributing to family expenses. It's supposed to be a partnership not one person doing it all whilst the other does as they please regardless.

How does he plan to support himself and the children if you leave? Get a job? I don't see why a mother's access to her children would be reduced so much, but I'd obviously speak to a solicitor to get some proper advice as it sounds like you need to get out of this relationship.

If you need the household income he would provide, someone correct me if I'm wrong (I usually am, I'm not very bright but I try), but two working parents get 30 hours childcare no? The 6 year old is in school during the day and many schools offer breakfast and after school club for certain ages, the 3 year old can be in for 30 hours. Why does he say he doesn't want to work?

If you divorce, he will be forced to return to work at some point

He quit his job without discussion and refuses to find new work since then. The resentment has built and now I can’t stand him.
He is a good dad, does loads with the kids and runs the house well. He does all household cooking/ cleaning/ admin during the week. I would love to be a SAHM or even work part time but I can’t because our financial security is entirely dependent on me.

If you're not back from work til 7pm how would propose to look after your children in the week without him? I can't see how any court would suggest even 50-50 when there's a full time SAHP and a parent working hours that go beyond paid childcare.

But might be worth challenging your own gender stereotypes a bit about being a failure of a mum if you have them every other weekend - you'd be the breadwinner just like now, supporting them and doing half the weekends. That's not a failure of a parent.

Firefliess would you be happy to see your children that infrequently? It’s nothing to do with gender stereotypes.

If I worked 8-4 do you think 50/50 would be more doable? I’m ohly working those hours because it’s what I need to do to support my family and work phobic husband.

You're feeling in the same position as some men I guess with a SAHP who declined to work even PT due to childcare etc . There are undoubtedly some women who do just that and many would come out to support them . However the difference here is that it's not done , at least now with mutual consent .
Clearly once the 3yr old is at school there would be no reason/ excuse for him not to work .
As others have suggested I would see a solicitor so you know where you stand both wrt seeing the children , division of assets , pensions etc if you divorced . In the same way as some men may feel ' unfairly fleeced ' when they separate or divorce you could also be , at least at the start , in a similar position could you not .
Then you need to consider whether you wish to make a go of this marriage .

He’s already told me he’s not returning to work when the youngest is in school. I don’t care about division of assets honestly I don’t. I just want to not have to work myself to death and 50/50 custody with my children. I don’t want to make a go of it. I will stay if the alternative is a lack of access to my kids, but it’s hard when I hate him as much as I do.