Leaving a SAHP

[Hacklesupdate]

My DH is the SAHP, I work long hours and get home at 7pm, we have two DDs ages 3 and 6. Him not working is not our joint choice he just refuses to get a job. I’m so unhappy in our crappy, unequal relationship but terrified if I do leave because he’s the SAHP I won’t see the children much. It would kill me to have every other weekend and a night in the week. I know he would fight dirty in any divorce too, I just feel trapped.

Slightlymisplaced has hit the nail on the head OP.

Your flexi hours would be all good & well in term time, but what about school holidays. You’d have to factor in child care then, this is where the favour could swing to him havin more time with kids

Agree slightly misplaced is absolutely right

bloodlyhellimtired I'm not missing anything. I personally don't think people should be SAHP unless both parties agree. However the fact remains that whether OP agreed it or not, her husband is staying at home and looking after the children and that makes him a SAHP.

There is at least a thread every week on MN from a SAHM whose OH thinks she should get a job. The responses will tend to range from ones suggesting that perhaps he has a point to ones saying that he is vastly underrating the work that she does, how easy it will be to get back into the workplace, how much childcare will cost etc etc.

I've not yet seen a single response to a SAHM (where there is a pre-school child in the mix) telling her she is lazy, or saying that she isn't really a SAHP as her husband doesn't agree to it or that it would be ok for her husband deprive her of money to force her to get a job.

Agree with Redsky. 3 is a very young child.

If you leave he will have to look for work as on universal credit you’re obliged to look for work when the youngest child is three. Might be worth mentioning it to him.

Have you looked into what help you could get as a single parent if you reduced your hours?

If you don't care about your assets and they are as good as gone anyway, could you cut your hours now and sell stuff to make good any differences? Have you got "nice to have" expenses like amazon prime or subscription tv that could go?

Does your money go to a joint account? How much does he spend on leisure and stuff for him, clothes etc? can he f the f off if the things you cut are his

I don't think going from having a primary carer around to a 50/50 split between parents and being put in childcare until the evening is particularly fair on the DCs here.

If you want to instigate a split with your H (and fair enough if you do) then I think your just going to have to have weekend contact like plenty of fathers do.

The impact on the children should always be considered before the parents feelings.

Take over paying the bills from a sole account: put only just enough for the kids in the joint account and tell him no personal spending money until he gets a job.

If you separate and you go part time and use childcare you will get tax credits/ universal credit.
Have a look at this benefit calculator to see what you would get in the above circumstances. benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

If universal credit forced H to work in event of split PixieCutRegret then he would need childcare too?

I’m trying to work out what the best hours would be for 50/50 care. Plenty manage it. If I change now & plan to leave in 6 months time at least there’s hope. I can’t go part-time part time but 30 hours could be doable. Maybe.