Mil has had heart attack. Dh doesn't know I know

[Jumpsuit566]

Am I wrong for thinking this is beyond fucked up?

Been married 20years. We don't do anything together because dh has largely ignored me for the last 15 years. Haven't done anything like go out together or had a holiday for well over 5 years.

I get on with MIL. He gets on with his mum ok so no excuse there.

Sil rang me and told me yesterday. He doesn't know I know and hasn't mentioned it.

Surely SIL could have told your DH that she’s going to ring you too, in which case he does know you know and is wondering why you haven’t said anything? I would find that pretty heartless....

You really are just as petty.
Go and see your poor MIL - and that means all of you.
Be the bigger person.
It's your MIL that counts here and not who is going to crack first.

Please wait for A levels to be done. My parents didn’t.

I'm sorry, but that's not fair to people trapped in abusive marriages. I'm sorry your parents mucked it up for you and failed to handled it sensibly for you, but that doesn't mean people should stay in a terrible situation. Sometimes it makes sense, sure, but often not.

OP, please just go visit your MIL. Take your son. It's his grandmother. Don't punish her because you and your DH can't be grown ups and sort your own messed up relationship out enough to be civil and grown up.

Maybe SIL told him she told you too and he just doesn't want to talk about it. I think that's more likely, given you're not talking.

If I were you I'd go and see your MIL if you want to. Fuck your H. He doesn't really come into this does he?

But I do think you need to start thinking about your exit plan.

Your poor dc, trapped with you two as parents. What a shambles.

OP, you only have one life. You're wasting yours and setting your dc up for a life of therapy. What kind of example of a relationsip are you shoiwng them?

FFS. Go and see your poor MIL then leave your husband.

Please go and see your MIL. She needs to know people care.

Then go and see a solicitor. Get your situation examined and what sort of financial future you could have apart.

I agree that if you've been in this position 15 years, a few months to get your child through A levels is imperative. That will also allow you time to work out your rights and how best to ensure they are secured.

If there is any form of emotional abuse, as opposed to two people who no longer share any affection, it would be good to do the Freedom Programme, I think.

Why did sil feel the need to call you separately, are the family aware of this communication rift? Adapt your plans to include a brief visit to mil ( and fil if he needs support too) and tell your dh you are doing so. Avoiding the issue just adds ammunition to his resentment.

I think you need to ask your husband how he is, given the news. Ask if he'd like to visit her. Be the bigger person.

But I do think you should separate soon. Don't just carry on like this forever.

OP - your marriage sounds like mine did. Have to say that l haven't been that upset since he left me for OW. It's actually been quite a relief.

Well it fits in with your life as it is now - separate! Why are you still together?

I'm sorry, but that's not fair to people trapped in abusive marriages. I'm sorry your parents mucked it up for you and failed to handled it sensibly for you, but that doesn't mean people should stay in a terrible situation. Sometimes it makes sense, sure, but often not.

Children do not choose to be born, and the OP has already said she believes the split will be nasty. Adults do have a responsibility to consider the best interests of dependant children as paramount and there is no universe in which a family collapse and a house move would help someone in the immediate months before their A levels, which will determine their university place and life chances. It's also necessary for the OP to get all her ducks in a neat row legally, which will be pretty important given she is presumably in her mid to late 40s at the least.

My MIL left FIL in the months before DH's A levels and it was a nightmare. No teenager should have to face the collapse of their family and the prospect of losing their home at such a vulnerable and stressful time, with adult life looming in plain sight, if there is any alternative. The OP has described a miserable and barren marriage but not an abusive one - they simply don't talk and aren't happy. If there is abuse then absolutely things change, but that's not clear.

I do think doing the Freedom Programme is a really good idea, though. The problem with emotional abuse is that it's so frog in a bathtub, and it's frequently the case that women don't realise they are actually in an abusive situation until they work on looking at the whole picture.

I think a good litmus test is reading Relationships threads tbh. I've lost count of the number of times I've come away and been thankful for DH, even in rough patches, because some men are just fucking awful. There's a difference between being in an unhappy and dead relationship, and being abused, and I do think you need to at least look at which your situation is - it will also help you establish how you leave, and how to prepare for that process.

As the son is in Y13, his A levels will be over by June. If the OP can hold on until then, then she should.

Well I've got home told him I know and asked if he didn't think we ought to go and see her. Got my head bitten off for telling him what to do.

He says he thinks he will go tomorrow. I've pointed out I can't go tomorrow but will happily go today. He's thinking about it.

Oh boy

Why don't you go visit yourself ? And take your teenager with you.

Take ds and go today. Leave h to it.

I think he'd be quite angry if I went without him.

Does that matter in the scheme of things? Give him the option of going along, his choice.

So ?

OP, if he's angry that you visited his mother in hospital with her grandchild on the only day you can, without him, then he can be angry. Who fucking cares?

I am more of the view that you need to do the Freedom Programme. If you are doing something sensible, reasonable, and even kind for someone else - his mother, no less - then his anger would be selfish and unreasonable and he can just be angry and cope. Unless he is violent or aggressive with it, then what can he actually do? You say you barely talk as it is.

Is there more to this, in terms of his behaviour towards you? Has he ever been physically aggressive around you - breaking things, etc? Is he okay with money, and with you visiting friends alone etc?

This is one messed up relationship. You sound like lodgers living in the same house rather than a married couple.

Why would he be angry if you went to visit your MIL by yourself?

Ideally I would like him to move out. I can't do this anymore. Realistically if I raised this I think he would get nasty and refuse to go.

He has every right to stay until a divorce and financials are settled it is just as much his house as yours and if he sought legal advice they would say the same.

Your last post is very worrying. How could he be quite angry about you visiting your MIL in hospital? And why he’s not visiting asap? What’s so important he has today?