Mil has had heart attack. Dh doesn't know I know

[Jumpsuit566]

Am I wrong for thinking this is beyond fucked up?

Been married 20years. We don't do anything together because dh has largely ignored me for the last 15 years. Haven't done anything like go out together or had a holiday for well over 5 years.

I get on with MIL. He gets on with his mum ok so no excuse there.

Sil rang me and told me yesterday. He doesn't know I know and hasn't mentioned it.

Ideally I would like him to move out. I can't do this anymore. Realistically if I raised this I think he would get nasty and refuse to go.

Maybe I will have to leave. Have one dc in year 13 so I keep telling myself will wait for a levels to be done.

Don't think he's ignoring me to punish me. We barely talk about anything, so not just big stuff which goes unsaid.

You both sound as bad as each other. And your poor child stuck in the middle of such a miserable household.

For all those incredulous at the “waiting to see when he’ll mention it”

I get it. I did the same when the clues were there that my own “d”m was moving 300miles away without telling me the address/details etc. Sometimes you have to let these things play out to see where these kinds of people will actually take a situation and show exactly who they are and who you are to them.

It’s excruciating, but it does help somehow when it comes to you processing what level of awful they are. It also helps show others what they are. That’s valuable as often they are brilliant at hiding that from others.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op.

Sweetheart, get your stuff done ASAP, get up to visit mil and then start looking at what you need to do to get ducks lined up.

Get legal advice too

Which is more important to you?

• your mil as a person? Do you actually like her and want to support her in hospital while she’s just had a sodding heart attack?

• your grinding way of blame and hatred with your husband? Which you’re clearly putting first, above all normal human interactions and responses.

Have you just got stuck in option number two, and need to click out of it back into the human race again? Or do you really see nothing wrong with wanting to use family’s health emergency as mere fodder in your ‘see he’s nasty no she’s nasty’ arguments? Because you both look horrible st this moment in time I’m afraid.

Put the ill person first, then you can point fingers later and maybe you’ll even look like the nicer one this time too...

(By the way people can still die of stent ops, like my father did, it’s not just like a trip to Sainsbury’s, so don’t treat it like one, it’s insulting).

Tell him your going to visit his mother. Visit her.

Then leave him.

lol you are in an awful relationship, but this isn’t the time to play games.

Tell him you know, also tell your child their grandmother is in hospital!

And when things have settled, go and see a solicitor. Your marriage sounds utterly miserable.

That should be *look, not lol!

Are you sure SIL hasn't told him she's told you?

it's not just your mil but your dc's grandmother. sort your shit out.

Put this aside. Take your child to see their grandma, your husband to see his mother and stop playing silly buggers.

Do you work?

If I were you, I'd focus on being ready to split after a-levels: get legal advice and ducks in a row, plan out your future.

Your marriage is awful. (I wouldn't be surprised if he has plans to end it himself).

Well this is the perfect opportunity to start a conversation

Please wait for A levels to be done. My parents didn’t.

Regardless if your DH knows you know, your SIL knows you know. She would have likely told your MIL that she told you. You (and possibly your DC) should go visit MIL in hospital. If she knows you know she might be hoping for a visit?

That's really sad, I'd talk to him about mil, I'd HAVE to ask, calmly, why he hasn't told you about it, but that sil told you. Just to let him know that you know.

When mil is out of crisis, then have it out with him.

Good luck op. I genuinely believe we only come this way once, you deserve to be happy. 💐

The poor woman in hospital waiting for a stent , she will be feeling awful and scared. Tell him you know she is in hospital, ring the hospital and see if you can speak to her or at least find out how she is doing, pass on best wishes, find out if she needs anything.
Does SIL live near MIL ? has she visited her ? I hope the poor woman has someone who cares enough to be there.

Your poor MIL. Go and see her instead of using the situation in what seems like an ongoing war with your DH.

This

In the context of your dysfunctional marriage, this isn’t particularly shocking, so why are you surprised? I can not imagine what it must be like to be a child in this dysfunctional relationship.

Maybe SIL or MIL told him you know and he is waiting to see if you mention it!

Either way time to jump shipxx

If you can’t simply say ‘should we go and visit your mum today’ to your DH then your marriage is dead in the water

Having said that, I would start planning but would delay the actual split until DC had finished school.

You all need to grow up. A family member is in hospital another has called to let you know. The most important person in this story is MIL unless there is another story call SIL and visit help etc. It’s telling SIL called you .... is she asking for help and support?

I don't usually advocate styaing with someone in these circumstances, but I agree with a pp that getting the A levels out of the way first might be a better idea. IME year 13 is the most stressful year in compulsory full time education and it could affect your DC negatively. It will give you time to plan and get evrything in order.

Wait till after A levels if you think that will destabalise your DC.

If not...maybe it's time to part ways now. Neither of you can.can be happy with the status quo... and there's plenty life left to live.

Are you going to tell your child? Good luck visiting your mil. I hope she is ok.

Ir sounds like you really hate each other now, im sorry you are living like this and hope you get some happiness soon.