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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am a narcissist and I use my daughter as a scapegoat

75 replies

Forgandoony · 23/11/2018 01:21

I have 2 DDs who I love very much. On the outside we are the perfect family, my girls want for nothing, do well at school etc. However, I inadvertently treat them both very differently. My older girl is the scapegoat and the younger is the golden child. I try so hard not to do it but when it comes to DD1 it’s like a wall comes down and I can’t help myself but take my anger/ frustration/ whatever out on her. I’ve had years of counselling and EMDR, nothing has helped. As a child, I was the scapegoat and still am to my own parents, not that that is an excuse. Any suggestions where I can go for help/ what to do next? I’m sick of this and I worry about the effects of my behaviour.

OP posts:
Abouttoblow · 23/11/2018 01:24

Reverse.

Original poster
Forgandoony · 23/11/2018 01:25

No, not a reverse, sorry

OP posts:
Shriek · 23/11/2018 01:32

How truly upset are you about your behaviour toward dd1

playftseforme · 23/11/2018 01:37

Isn't it atypical for a narcissist to have enough self awareness to know that this is wrong? And if you do at least recognise that you shouldn't be behaving like this, as the PP said, how much do you want to change?

Original poster
Forgandoony · 23/11/2018 01:37

So upset I’ve spent thousands on therapy trying to sort this out, considered leaving home because she’s probably better off without me, could open a library with the number of books I own and have read about toxic parents/ narcissists/ psychology to try and understand the issues here, lie awake at night beating myself up about it and worrying about her...

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 23/11/2018 01:38

Would a true narcissist show this level of self awareness and empathy for DD1?

I doubt it.

I'm not doubting your version of events, but i'm not convinced you're a narcissist.

Original poster
Forgandoony · 23/11/2018 01:39

Perhaps not but I’m desperate to change. I don’t know where to turn to next?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 23/11/2018 01:53

Do you have an 'offical' diagnosis or narcissism or have you decided that is the case? As others have said- narcissists usually don't show much self awareness- or believe they are wrong- hence why the 'offical' diagnosis doesn't happen often. Whilst not doing ting it's a poor relationship, it doesn't sound like a narcissistic one. Do you have a partner? Do they deal better with the elder daughter? Are they aware of the differenct ways you feel about them and their sibling?

Johnsi · 23/11/2018 01:58

Have you tried DIT (Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy)? It could help you to explore your relationships with others and might support you to make some changes.

twominfromthebeach · 23/11/2018 02:03

Try thinking for a moment before you say anything to dd1 and remember why you started this thread.

MistressDeeCee · 23/11/2018 02:07

Unusual for a Narcissist to admit to being one, or even caring that they are hurting others.

You claim to have spent £1000s on therapy and books so if all that clearly hasn't worked best see your GP

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 02:09

Are you sure you're a narcissist and that scapegoating is what is actually happening here? Are there reasons why you find dd2 easier? How was your birth/post-natal period with dd1? Are your personalities very different/very similar?

I have a mother who is a bona fide narcissist. There is no way in a billion years she would be capable of thinking what you have said here, never mind type it, and she certainly has never made any effort to seek treatment or take ownership of her behaviour - because she cannot see it.

Shriek · 23/11/2018 02:16

It sounds more like dd1 pushes your buttons/triggers to your DM. Crying and obsessing about devastating impact on your dds does not sound like narc behaviour, but clearly something awful is going on.

Is it you self-diagnosing, and projecting your treatment by others onto yourself just because this is a pattern your are so familiar with that you are seeing or rather drawing incorrect parallels with narc?

Or have you a diagnosis?

Ladiva1971 · 23/11/2018 02:22

A true narcissist would never admit to being one.

Kennycalmit · 23/11/2018 02:29

@shriek

it sounds more like dd1 pushes your buttons/triggers to your DM

Are you being serious?! Angry

OP has admitted what she is doing yet you still find a way to blame the daughter ?! I’ve read some victim blaming on mumsnet but my god this is one of the worst!

Tadda · 23/11/2018 02:31

I agree with @greensleeves- my mother is also a complete narcissist and there is no way on earth she would ever admit to their being any 'problem' with her whatsoever, let alone spend any money on thereapists (!) to explore and confirm HER problem' - and then to ask for help......!!!??? No chance - it would absolutely go against every grain of her being.....
Because she is a narcissist!

I think if what you say is true OP then you do need to seek some help for Dd1 and yourself. ? Maybe it is something you can change and there is a reason you treat her differently- ? I don't think narcissism is the cause tho ...

Adversecamber22 · 23/11/2018 02:33

What were your pregnancies, relationships, work etc like when you had both of them. Were your life circumstances very different around the time you had each of them.

True narcissists have zero remorse and are not self aware at all.

What you really need to do is decide why you don’t really like one of your daughters as much as the other. Who does she remind you of? why repeat a pattern of behaviour? And why have anything to do with your parents if they really are that awful.

Ladiva1971 · 23/11/2018 02:37

You have to stop dwelling on the past, as you cannot change it, however you can change, the future, I was the least favourite in my household when I grew up as my sister was the golden child, I was punished and castigated more than she was, whether it was my fault or not, and growing up in the 70's I was beaten on the arse with a slipper. belt or what ever my Mum had in her hand. However I have not let what happened to me affect my adult life or the way I have brought up my children. I know it is hard but you have to be strong and be your own person and not the person people want you to be. Sending Love to you.

SimplySteve · 23/11/2018 02:38

My mother is a narc, me the scapegoat, brother the golden child.

No narc displays the self awareness, compassion and empathy you are. They never say they screwed up either.

kateandme · 23/11/2018 02:38

sorry.i don't no how to word this but ive seen this.and isn't it just a parent not getting on with one child(even if its for a shortperiod due to age hermoines etc.)and the other is possible better behaved(in her eyes) so they wrongly or rightly treat the other better.
do you not like her?or do you not get on with her at the moment.
there was a moment my dad and sister hated eachother.yes they still loved as in father daughter but my sis went through the teenage bitch age and she was appalling.therefore dad treated her differently but you couldn't blame them to some extent.
oh I don't know this thread has confused me.

kateandme · 23/11/2018 02:42

it depends if your doing it for a reason.or reacting to bad behaviours or you just picking on her.and bullying the poor girl whilst putting theother on a pedastool.
ive seen a narc.one child did every dam thing she could for her mum.always helped always cared and ran round to be there for her.and the brother was mostly a twat but a golden boy. the mother bullied and made the daughter feel so small. didn't prais at all and just nit nit nit picked at her until her confidence went to shit.
but she never admitted it and I daresay would be shocked if we ever would have stood up to her which we tried and tried to.i cant begin to tell you what she did to her daughter.small little things that just degraded the daughter.and the boy was gold.loved.cherished.spoilt.
she was not aware at all.

Ladiva1971 · 23/11/2018 02:59

unfortunately I believe my youngest to be a narcissist he is 18 in 2 weeks time he failed at school but that wasn't his fault (despite the fact the played truant and rarely attended) he was kicked out of the football team (he turned up to 1 game out of 5) He was even referred to CAHMS (but was removed for failing to turn up to the appointments!) But according to him it's all my fault that he left school with 0 GCSES, it's my fault he was kicked out of the football team everything is my fault and I am the worst parent ever

Shriek · 23/11/2018 03:02

@Kennycalmit you have got me wrong, there is no victim-blaming there.

3ChangingForNow · 23/11/2018 03:09

Have you spoken to DD1 about it? That might really help.

"DD1, you may have noticed that sometimes I treat you differently to your sister. I want you to know that I love you both equally, and I think you are wonderful. Unfortunately, due to things that have happened in my past, I can have problems treating you both fairly. This is not your fault at all. There is nothing wrong with you. It is my problem. I want to let you know that it makes me very upset when I treat you unfairly, and I really want to stop. I am doing everything I can to make this right for you, and I'm really really sorry."

I pretty much thought that my parents thought I was worthless. If something like this had been going on behind the scenes, honesty would have been much better. If i had a conversation like this during my childhood, I would have remembered it for life and it would have helped a lot. Right now, your DD will be thinking there is something wrong with her. Explaining the truth to her will free her of that burden. The issue is with you, you know that. Please make sure your DD knows that and that there's nothing wrong with her.

Ladiva1971 · 23/11/2018 03:20

3ChangingForNow I do agree with what you have said, but unless you are willing to tell your children about what has happened to you in the past I personally would not mention it. Like I say Do not let the past define your future as history cannot be changed, but the future can Flowers