I am a narcissist and I use my daughter as a scapegoat

[Forgandoony]

I have 2 DDs who I love very much. On the outside we are the perfect family, my girls want for nothing, do well at school etc. However, I inadvertently treat them both very differently. My older girl is the scapegoat and the younger is the golden child. I try so hard not to do it but when it comes to DD1 it’s like a wall comes down and I can’t help myself but take my anger/ frustration/ whatever out on her. I’ve had years of counselling and EMDR, nothing has helped. As a child, I was the scapegoat and still am to my own parents, not that that is an excuse. Any suggestions where I can go for help/ what to do next? I’m sick of this and I worry about the effects of my behaviour.

You need to work on your relationship with dd1 seperatly.
Tell her that you think you are arguing too much lately, and you want to do something lovely just the two of you. Lovebomb her a bit.

You’ve had what a year of therapy (if you’ve spent thousands?). Go back to therapy and apply their advice. I’m not sure why you think strangers on the internet are going to offer you better advice than a professional. Well, I can think of a couple unpleasant reasons you’d post about it instead of working on your behaviour with a psychologist...

shreik no. He hasn't stopped doing what he does either. Like op.

Sorry to hear that Anyfucker, has he ever apologised, and do you still see him then as it sounds like he needs avoiding so he can't hurt you anymore!

No he has never apologised. I see him just once or twice a year even though he lives in the same town to stay in low contact with my mum. This is on the cards for op if she carries on the way she is.

Are you an ACOA? Could you be codependent? There r 12 step support groups for both to help you process your relationship w parents to sort thru the stuff you don't want to pass on to your kids

Sounds like Fleas to me.

I think its also fair to say that sometimes personalities just clash, not everyone naturally and easily gets on with everyone, and that's ok.

What you can do though is try and think what it is about her that you react to so strongly - does she have mannerisms that remind you of someone in your past? Are you dropping into old patterns that you used to use with your parents or other people who caused you distress?
If you can work out some of the triggers, you can think about how to break those patterns or step outside them to change the relationship between you into what it should be - a new relationship between you instead of a replay of an old dysfunctional one.

Have you tried mindfulness?
Yoga, meditation?
I've no idea how you stop if you tried lots of things.
But I agree having a chat with your DD would help and to tell her to call you out on it every time!?

Thank goodness you have distance Anyfucker
As for here, sounds like op, is trying to find ways to make amends, be different, try how to find a way to do that.

She is taking responsibility, which it sounds like your f never has (or likely will).

Fleas?

I have zero qualifications or authority so I might be miles off base.
My mother with narc tendencies will admit to some failings while bawling her eyes out and making a scene in front of people so it quickly becomes about how bad life is for her.
She’s also been to therapy and after a year the therapist agreed that I was unbearable and no one could be expected deal with me, she was a saint for caring. I presume she just refused to engage in any level.
I find it hard not to have a pop op, I truly hope you are open to change but I honestly think this thread is a nice way to avoid changing your behaviour.

Flashing I also agree therapy can be quite fun for narcissistic people who are superficially charming/emotionally engaging. After all, they get to talk about themselves!

Actions speak louder than words, which is why I say- behave differently and worry about your inner motivations later. Just ban yourself from exploding/shouting etc or find alternative behaviours to remove yourself.

It would help to know more about ages, as the age of the children is relevant to what you would do to re-engage with them, but basically you can't go wrong with a bit of love-bombing, after you've banned yourself from being truly awful to them of course.

She hasn't come here to complain about her dd though flashingbeacon She's told us what happens to her.
We also don't know how each dd is, and can't possibly, but OP is berating herself, and identifying exactly what she's doing.

She has read though the replies, some of which were pretty blunt and not helpful to her question to move forward, and still replied and not taken issue with anyone.

flashongbeacon I’m sorry to hear of your experience. My daughter is a child, it’s not her fault, it’s mine. This post is a way of finding ways to deal with this that I might not have come across already, it’s not poor me anything. I’m sorry your mum was unable to change.

I didnt mean that as a pop at you flashingbeacon I had also meant to say, as I'm sorry that you've lived that shit.

Have you tried DBT?
Have you ever seen a psychologist (as opposed to a counsellor or therapist)?

OP, it's a habit, a bad habit just like swearing at children. You know that in order to get rid off a bad habit you need to either have a strong will or build it. Just like you remember your childhood as a scapegoat she will remember hers as well. Works on towards building a strong will and every time you want to attack your daughter, stop and wake up and say something positive and then praise yourself. Do it as a routine and eventually you will get rid off this horrible bullying habit. Your behaviour will traumatise all the members in your family. It's unfair on them and stop doing it. STOP, slowly count in your head till five and then say something sincere positive, then give yourself a pat on a shoulder.

No offence was meant and none was taken. It’s so complicated i still definitely don’t always explain what I mean clearly.
I was getting at was that it’s not cut and dry a narc would never submit to therapy.
Op doesn’t seem to hitting any of my alarm bells, but my trust is paper thin and maybe they are on a sympathy drive.
That’s not what’s coming across though. I have no science behind this so maybe you’re on the path to recovery.
I’ve talked myself into a corner. Sorry.

DBT. My friend with borderline was very occasionally this honest. The rest of the time her dd was an absolute bitch who caused her mental health issues and drove her to drink. She was very occasionally capable of this sort of reflection. The other 364 days a year she truly believed she was the greatest victim the world had ever seen, whilst destroying the lives of everyone around her and blaming them.
No idea if you have BPD or not, obv, but my friend’s treatment of her dd worsened as the dd got older and started to be more independent.

Could you have failed to bond with your eldest, but became more aware or circumstances changed so you bonded with the younger one?

Pollaidh that sounds like my circumstances. Profound ppd didnt help. As such I bonded more w younger daughter as i came out of fog

Just an idea - is there any way you can access 12 step?

Eg is there a substance, practise or behaviour you can't control? All the usual like drink, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex etc, but also compulsion in relationships Eg codependency (CoDA), al-anon, SLAA etc

Above are suggestions for ways into 12 step - which is a process that specifically addresses behaviours we have no control over. Your behaviour around your daughter sounds compulsive.

Ime if any one of my family abusers had just once admitted they were the one/s with the problem it would have been priceless to me and my long term mental health. You have told your daughter you are the one with the problem, yes? You must.

As others are saying, you are not a narc. Have you gone through NHS for treatment /diagnosis? How long did you have therapy? Issues like this take years not weeks.

I pray you and particularly your daughter will be set free from this wretchedness. Talking of which, do you pray? It doesnt have to be to God/god but to a/any power for good. Worth a try.

Has anyone on this thread experience of CoDA? Out of interest, what springs to mind on the mention of co-dependency? It has taken me a long time to understand that co-depenency is a habit that can be worked on. It's not all negative and there are plenty of people working through it who are pretty normal.

Most of us have narcissistic traits without having a personality disorder. Personality disorders are difficult and controversial diagnoses.

I can't do the god thing. It was knocked out of me. It is awful living completely without faith. In anything. A therapist showed me how to shine a light in dark places. Perhaps it is similar.

I hope, OP that you are getting professional help from NHS. Abuse does terrible things to a child.

Is there a dad in her life? Or anyone she'd be better off with. Does anyone else know about it?

I haven't RTFT but I think your self awareness and willingness to change mean you're not a narc.

Do the outbursts happen when you are stressed? Could it be a response to anxiety instead do you think?

I say this as the scapegoat daughter of a narc mother who myself started to mimic some of her behaviours (blaming/perfectionism) with my own daughter.
When I realised what I was doing I sought help (counselling & MbCT) and for me the trigger was overwhelming, blinding, terrifying anxiety (it doesn't make what I was doing ok but it explains it) Even after stopping the behaviour and making amends I felt terrible guilt for years.
DD is much older now (10+ years) and we have a wonderful relationship so please know there can be a positive, different future ahead of you if you can change.

How old is your daughter?

Coda member. Much of the benefit comes from hearing others share and understanding how our behaviour patterns work