My new reality is awful...

[NickyNora]

Unhappy relationship so very carefully planned to split up with dp.
Thought of absolutely everything.

Except i can't cope on my own with 4 dc. 2 have SEND. My health has deteriorated rapidly. I can barely cope day to day.
I can't even think about Christmas.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I've gone from one kind of hell to another.
I knew i was going to be on my own. I knew i had no support. Its been like this is for years.

How do i learn to cope?

Ok. Wow. One day at a time! That's a big jump in lifestyle with 4dcs. I don't know how helpful you will find this advice, but lists could be your new best friend. Whenever I have felt overwhelmed I write a list. Ie, clean clothes sorted the night before, lunchboxes, things to do in the house and tick them off. Bulk cook where you can and freeze ect.... When my dcs were younger and I was overwhelmed, simply ticking of a list to say I had cooked a spag bol and froze it for another night gave me a sense of achievement.
Do you have any support at all? And how old are the dcs?

Its not a big jump in lifestyle. I always did everything with the dc.
Dc are 4,10,13 & 17.

I have always done lists, batch cooking etc.
What you describe is my normal level of organised.

No support at all. I knew this. Its been this,way for 5 years since my mil died.

No wonder you're overwhelmed. You need support, especially with the amount of giving out you have to with 4dcs. No family who'll help, I presume? Any friends? Parents of their friends who can share play dates?

Does their dad take them at all?

Could you contact Homestart? They are lovely people.

Can you break it down into small hurdles?
Rather than one mammoth hill to climb,

If you want to separate, work out all the help you can get, financial, family? Friends?
Support groups.

Do you work, can you save some money.

Just break it all down on here and I can tell you for certain that someone on lovely mumsnet will have a solution for every single problem you think is not surmountable

No i don't work. The 10 yr old is on a reduced timetable. Home at 2pm.

Benefits sorted.

No playdates etc as the 10 & 13 yr old needs are too difficult.
4 yr old just started school.

No family locally. I might see them at Christmas or my mums birthday.

Local support group is not great. Both my boys are in out of borough independent settings. I dont go to their schools very often, maybe once or twice a term. Its been like this for years. None of its new.

Exdp has taken tbe younger 2 out twice. Older 2 didn't want to go.
Hes only had 2 weekends off since he left. Hes not local either as I'm in London & he couldn't rent anywhere near by.

I knew all this. Its how life is when you have SEND dc.

I just don't know why I'm feeling the strain so much as i have 1 less person to clean up after & cook for.

I suspect it’s because you know you are ‘on duty’ 100% of the time; even if your DP didn’t do much with your children he was probably present some of the time, so maybe you were operating on being solely responsible 95% of the time. That extra 5% has broken you.

Yes Knittedfairies. If i don't get stuff done in the day now it has to wait til the next day.

Less then 5 hrs a day to do everything. This week I've had 2 days spent at hospital appointment & yesterday a 2 hr meeting at ds13 school. Today spent all day trying to sort their Personal Budgets.

Its just an existence not a life.

Could you get a part time job in the mornings before they come back in the afternoon? Or do something for yourself whilst they are out of the house?

Are you in contact with you're local Carers organisation? If not contact them they can offer support.

Local Carers Association is for Carers of adults.
There is a local charity but they aren't great & i rarely am free on a Friday morning.

I could get a job but there is no childcare available for the boys in the holidays. As they both go to independent schools, they have very long holidays.

Last night i was up from 1-3am & up at 5.30am so get very exhausted.

Yes knitted. I experienced that.

This sounds so hard

Do you think you could get a term time only job? I don’t know if working would make things better or worse for you. Have you looked into mindfulness? It may help you get a bit of a sense of yourself back; being able to take time for yourself even if it’s just listening to an audio book while you’re doing chores etc.

I really hope things get better for you in time as this all sounds quite new. It sounds like you focus so much on the practicalities that you haven’t taken much time for yourself, perhaps haven’t taken any time to get closure on the end of your relationship either.

Really do hope it gets better soon

I have no school experience & would still need childcare as ds 10 is on a reduced timetable & the boys get longer Christmas, Easter & summer holidays.

Its very much about practicalities. Its basic. Eat, sleep etc.i dont have time or energy for much more.

It sounds as though you cope and you are organised. But you don't have anything to look forward to and no break. You must be exhausted. I don't think a job is the answer. My
Have you looked into respite for the children with SEND ? Maybe if you could get some respite it would give you something to look forward to.

Lone parenting, with a kid with additional needs is very lonely. Can you try and make friends in similar circumstances, even penpal types? Sometimes you just need ear, or shoulder

The Personal Budgets are for respite. I'm desperately trying to find carers but no luck so far.

I have a couple more agencies to call tomorrow.
I hate the idea of carers in my home as it will stress me out so much but its the only way I'm going to get a break.

When i say break, i will still have my 4 year old with me.

I have old friends etc but they don't understand. I rarely get to go out. Maybe once or twice a year.

I've made friends with other parents of SN dc but they have similar issues to me so i keep in touch by WhatsApp.

I think reading my own posts, i need to get some medication. I've tried counselling & CBT but this is different.

I have nothing to look forward to.

I wish i put my older ds in residential school when his school threatened to terminate his placement. We've all worked hard & the school is managing better so thats not an option now.

Its so miserable & bleak. I wish I'd never had the dc. Its not fair on any of them.

OP, I feel for you. Would you consider talking to your GP? A course of anti-depressants maybe? Your life sounds incredibly tough and unrelenting, I hope there are better times for you xx

Thanks. Yes, thats what
I meant in my last post when i said about medication.

I feel so awful today, i just want to sleep.

I think I'm going tp ask exdp to come home. I can't do this by myself.

Its far from ideal but i can't function day to day.

OP, I really feel for you.

I think the priority is to get a bit of time to yourself. Hopefully you manage to get those carers sorted soon.

I think a course of meds might help to lift you through this rough patch.

Change the narrative. You are still here you are coping. Everyday you still do this is a good day.

Any day you manage more than this is an awesome day. Appreciate what you have achieved.

Small goals. One thing a day to make tomorrow easier. If you don't that's fine too.

There's a very good charity - Homestart - they are fantastic.
Give them a call. www.home-start.org.uk/

Are there any womens groups/ womens centres near to you ?
We have a couple near me and they too are fantastic.

I'm not coping thats the point.

Even with Carers (which will ne about 2 hrs a week) i also have a 4 yr old, the Carers won't have her as well.

Homestart is aimed at families of preschoolers.

There is 1 charity locally. I don't feel comfortable at the group. The other parents have issues about my boys schools/transport.