My new reality is awful...

[NickyNora]

Unhappy relationship so very carefully planned to split up with dp.
Thought of absolutely everything.

Except i can't cope on my own with 4 dc. 2 have SEND. My health has deteriorated rapidly. I can barely cope day to day.
I can't even think about Christmas.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I've gone from one kind of hell to another.
I knew i was going to be on my own. I knew i had no support. Its been like this is for years.

How do i learn to cope?

No advice. But a huge virtual hug.
I'm so very sorry that life has given you so much crap to deal with. It's fucking unfair.

It is so hard isn't it. I am a single parent and work from home as well as home edding as my DC has SN and wouldn't fare well in mainstream. I think what people said upthread about having nothing to look forward to is key. As well as the mental load being all yours, it can be very lonely and scary when it's just you but don't rush back to something that is wrong, try the GPs first before going back to ex.

I wish there was something more I could do to help. I think friends help immeasurably but it can be very hard to make and keep friends when you have kids with SN, you have no time t nurture the friendships and people can lack understanding. Even though you could really do with the friendship.
If you've had so little sleep it will be affecting your perception and emotions so don't make any hasty decisions, and if you can try and grab an hour while they are at school as you'll probably feel calmer.

I think your mental health has to come first here, talking to your ex dp is a good option.

A guaranteed way to get the help or respite you need is only by extreme action ie admitting a crisis..

I read on here on a similar post to yours op that the L.A only kickstart into real action on your behalf is when you ask to put the eldest DC up for adoption ( you have to say this to them even if you aren't actually going to go ahead with it) due to your mental health.

So you really have to have exhausted all other options to get that far but if it means it prevents you from taking other extreme measures when you are unable to cope at all then it is by far the safest option.

We get respite. Threatening to put a 13 yr old up for adoption won't help.
Then i will have SW telling me I'm the problem.
Then again i am but i can't cope with SW pulling my situation apart to get an extra hour of respite that actually isn't really respite as i have a younger dc.

I meant as in asking exdp to come home.
He knows how i feel.
He knows i want 50/50 custody.
Hes aware of how low i am.

Speak to your ex and agree a custody plan. Tell him that you are at breaking point and if you break then he'll have to look after them by himself.

As I said it was to generate a crisis situation as happened to another poster but if that's not your situation and you are able to cope ok then yes, obviously don't go down that route!

Generally speaking you won't get any more state help than you're already getting without a crisis so it sounds as if the aolution lies with your dp so good luck with that.

I've been to tbe GP. Hes put me on 50mg of Sertraline.

Exdp is off next weekend & will have the youngest both days.

Exdp will have to leave his job if i force 50/50 custody. He works rotating shifts & has 1 weekend a month off plus a Saturday. All other rest days are midweek.

I know the ds wouldn't cope with moving. Exdp has no idea about their needs etc. Hes never attended a meeting or appointment. Never been to their (or any of dc) schools.

17 yr old wants to stay here so it is only the 4 yr old that he could cope with.
He won't be able to rent in London so school would be an issue. I can't move as our LEA pay the boys school fees.

Hopefully the AD will kick in soon & it will get more bearable.
Only 3 weeks til Christmas holidays so i need to sort myself out ASAP

I'm not aware of anymore help, what should i ask for?

Nicky, I've been on Sertraline for just over 2 weeks and it's really starting reduce my crippling anxiety and give me a sense of perspective. You may feel absolutely horrid for a while though; I was like a queasy zombie for the first 13 days.

You have an enormous amount on your plate, and you are living solely to facilitate the needs of others. That's soul-destroying. You may HAVE to have a 'crisis' so that you get more help from SS. I'm sorry you're going through this.

But what would SS actually help with?

Oh god i don't know if i can cope with feeling worse! My GP said it might upset my stomach nothing about bring like a zombie.

OP, does your eldest have an awareness of your health situation?

It’s bloody hard, I have physical health problems and have just gone on to the list for surgery but it’s taken two years to get here and I still have very bad days where I don’t make it out of bed let alone out of the house.

My life certainly hasn’t panned out as I would have liked as I am currently not in a position to work at all due to my health. However my DS is sixteen, and while I don’t expect him to compensate for my health or do things for me, I expect him to have an understanding of how things are and can be some days. So if that involves me throwing a pizza in the oven instead of cooking a chicken casserole from scratch then he’s expected to be on board with that or cook his own dinner. .

In the same way your eldest is seventeen, and the middle one is thirteen you say but has sn as well? What kind of sn? Are they the kind of SN which mean he has understanding or not? Because if he does then I would be saying to them that not going with their dad isn’t an option, and that if they opt not to go then they’re expected to look after themselves while you have a break. They’re not babies.

I’ve been where you are and I thank god for secondary infertility which means I only have to do it with one child. :-) so please don’t blame yourself for finding it difficult with four, two of whom have additional needs.

Its the 13 & 10 yr old that have SN. They are Autistic, PDA, & ADHD. Both medicated. Both very challenging. Both attend independent ASD specialist schools.
The 13 yr old is more difficult & challenging. Hes very difficult to engage.
No awareness of himself or others.
Literally can't be left alone. I've locks om all tbe downstairs doors to stop him eating at night. The front door is locked to stop him wondering off. The Wi-Fi is set up from my room or he'd never come off his lap top.

The younger ds is a more ASD/Aspie child with severe anxiety. Hes with me constantly. I hace to take him loo still, sit with him at bedtime etc.

My 17 yr old is brilliant. Shes doing her A levels & has a Saturday job. Shes a massive help. Shes very good with her brothers. Always has been.

I was saying to the GP this was meant to be the best time in years. All dc at school for first time in nearly 14 yr. Exdp gone, a new time, time for me.

Instead my health has continued to deteriorate. I'm exhausted. Take so many medicines but keep getting worse. Now the Drs are saying I've very likely got Lupus or Sjogrens Syndrome.

Exdp has been good. Hes desperate to come home. Does more now then ever. Financially etc. Even looking for a new job but highly unlikely at his age.

I just don't love him anymore. Maybe i need to prioritise the dc daily needs against my relationship choices...
I don't know anymore.

Holy shit that’s a HUGE amount to cope with. Can your SW arrange a care assessment for you, and for the two middle ones? Maybe as a part of their EHCP reviews? Why is 10 year old not in full time? Just on the basis of that alone, he needs his EHCP reviewing.

Massive admiration for what you’re holding togther. Your kids are very fortunate you’re their mum.

Hes not fulltime as he can't cope. The LEA are well aware. He in Yr6 theres no alternative other than home school & tgats not an option!

The boys Care packages have been reviewed & changed. I had a Carers Assessment in July. I was refered to a local charity.

Their A.R's aren't until next year.

Honestly? Assuming there’s no abuse in the equation I would consider reconciling with DP.

Ordinarily I am a proponent of people doing what they need to in order to facilitate a better life for themselves, but in this instance this clearly isn’t the impact your split has had.

Do you think that your ex will be in a position to pull his weight having had a first-hand glimpse into how things really are at home now? If it turns out he has to give up his job in order to facilitate care for the DC anyway things aren’t going to get better for you the way they are at the moment.

You may well be in a position to review as and when things change for you, but I’m not sure that the time of increasing bad health is necessarily the right time to have made decisions about ending relationships.

But that’s just assuming that there is no abuse involved.

But there’s no shame in reviewing the situation as it stands now. But in order to do so you and exp do need to sit down and talk about the future, the care of the DC and his need to be more involved in the day to day as well as the SN.

My health wasnt to bad until September. Its just deteriorated so quickly.

Ultimately I'm damned if i do get back with dp & damned if i don't.

No abuse. He was just lazy & indifferent. No care or compassion. Just sat in the living room whikst i did everything.

Now hes sweating his bollocks off doing a 2 hr visit. He serioulsly struggles as I've done this for years. Hes learning but i got trained with toddlers whereas hes dealing with very difficult pre teens & teens. I almost feel sorry for him.

Financially i will be screwed if he comes back as we've moved to U.C here just a few weeks ago.

But it would be easier in some respects.

I just don't love him. Don't even miss him.

@NickyNora I don't think you should use your ex -partner because in the long-run it may make things worse
However I think that you need more support from somewhere and I hope someone joins this thread to point you in the right direction
I will ask people I know with sen children what sort of support they get

@NickyNora I'm not sure you can learn to cope -hut maybe some people will disagree

Nicky, not everyone gets dopey on Sertraline. It revs some people up. I just felt ‘drugged’ but it’s helping now.
If your ex is desperate to come back, could you issue him a ‘last chance’ ultimatum: come back and pull your weight or else? I know it’s nowhere near ideal but you are clearly struggling.

A part time time table on a child with an EHCP is a clear sign that you need an emergency review, and enough support put in place for him, whatever that might be, so that he’s able to cope. At the same time insist that they do a Care assessment, as the family is clearly at risk of breaking down, which it will if you self distruct. I feel for you. You’re being placed in an impossible situation.

Could you have xdp back as a co parent rather than a partner? He could do more hours with the DCs if you lived together? But it'd be a house share arrangement, not you cooking and cleaning for him. You might not even have enough rooms for that to be an option, of course.

That sounds so hard. Is your eldest planning on going to university? Just wondering if that would free up a room and perhaps your ex could move in there and co-parent - but he needs to be on board with doing more than he did as if he's there being lazy it'll be worse for you.