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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP just phoned to say we're done.

71 replies

DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:06

Hand hold please.
We've been living together for 4 months. I was so so happy and so was he. He's dealing with the aftermath of his previous relationship, where he was abused, physically and emotionally, and in the last ten days or so has been very very depressed as he is worried about his DC. Last night we slept in one another's arms.

I did my very very best and it was not enough.

He phoned in tears now to say he just couldn't do it. He's coming over tonight whilst I'm out to get his stuff. I have a function tonight in which I have to perform, so I can't go to pieces right now. My DC will be home in an hour.

Please help me breathe.

OP posts:
Starlight345 · 22/11/2018 14:08

I am sorry maybe he just needs to recover.

This is one of those doesn’t sound like it is about you but his previous relationship

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:10

I think you're right Starlight. I just know there's no going back and I really thought this was it. We were talking about buying a house together less than a week ago. He was saying it, looking for places.
I've never known happiness like it.

OP posts:
NoPhelange · 22/11/2018 14:11

You will get through this. Fucking shit way to end things. Let him get his stuff, go to to your function, and then fall to bits later. Put yourself back together and then keep going, because you've really got no option but to and because you absolutely can. Holding your hand x WineCakeFlowers

redastherose · 22/11/2018 14:11

It sounds like he's moved on too quickly with you and just can't cope at the moment so needs a bit of space. If it's not that then it's better to break it off now and if it is that then perhaps you can go back to dating and being a bit more casual until the rest of his life settles properly.

People can underestimate just how draining it can be coming out of an abusive relationship especially one where you are tied to the other party by children.

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:14

Thanks Phelange. It is a shit way to end things isn't it. Also the forward planning of coming to get his stuff when he knows I won't be here. I have to cope by thinking that he wasn't who I really thought he was, and even if he changed his mind I could never be as happy with him again because I know that he could phone up one day to tell me it's over.

My DC will be gutted. I've been so careful not to move a man in before, we've been six years just me and the kids, and they adore him.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:16

That's true redasarose. She was so so awful to him, and we think she's as awful with the DC now. So he's in a horrible place. But he's leaving his one safe space now. He says I saved his life.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 14:16

What a horrible way to end things.

How long had you known him?

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 14:17

I imagine it's very difficult for someone to leave their children with a mother who's been abusive, particularly if you then live with someone else's children. How often does he see his children?

Trinity66 · 22/11/2018 14:21

He sounds a bit of a mess right now emotionally, it is an awful way to end it especially when you've been so supportive of what he's going through but it does sound like maybe he's having some sort of a break down?

wizzywig · 22/11/2018 14:22

You are enough. Just remember that.

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:25

I've known him for quite a long time Hollow, but not very well. He sees his DC often but the eldest 2 are away at uni and the youngest is in year 13, so off to uni in September.

I do think he's having a breakdown Trinity and I have told him that he needs help. It's a really difficult balance of trying to be sympathetic, because he deserves that, and detaching emotionally, because I need that. Part of me has to think he's a bastard because otherwise it just hurts too much that he's gone. (He's not a bastard.)

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 22/11/2018 14:29

He’s not a bastard but he has been selfish and cavalier with your feelings.

Trinity66 · 22/11/2018 14:32

I do think he's having a breakdown Trinity and I have told him that he needs help. It's a really difficult balance of trying to be sympathetic, because he deserves that, and detaching emotionally, because I need that. Part of me has to think he's a bastard because otherwise it just hurts too much that he's gone. (He's not a bastard.)

I know :( You sound like a lovely person though, there's a good chance he will want to come back but it may not be the best choice for you and your kids to take him back

Cosmos45 · 22/11/2018 14:33

How upsetting - I must admit your thread made my blood run cold - exactly the same thing has just happened to a close friend of mine after they had been together 3 years. She is in her 50's and said it was the happiest 3 years of her life and suddenly out of the blue he took his stuff and has barely been seen and is suffering from depression. It has totally floored her as she didn't see it coming at all. Horrible way to go about things, there's no closure as such.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 22/11/2018 14:34

If he’s in the middle of a breakdown there’s a good chance that he doesn’t mean what he’s saying and he’s reacting out against the hurt. Where is he going to go this evening?

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:41

He's going to his parents this evening. My greatest fear is that he'll eventually return to his ex, which would be the end of him really.
He said on the phone that he needed a break and then we'd see how things went, but what do I do with that in all honesty. It leaves me nowhere, not sure if I'm supposed to support from afar and hope or not.
And if he does want to come back at some point, that is shit for my DC isn't it. So even if we wanted it at some point, it would be wrong really.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/11/2018 14:42

How long have you been in a relationship?

So sorry but it wasn't meant to be Flowers

Juells · 22/11/2018 14:44

there’s a good chance that he doesn’t mean what he’s saying

I doubt that.

samsamsamsamsamsam · 22/11/2018 14:54

I know this isnt what you want to hear, but is he ok?

Can you check on him - he sounds in a very bad place.

BatF1nk · 22/11/2018 14:54

So how long have you been with him before moving him in? Whilst I have pity for him and it's obviously a tough time you really need to put your kids first now. He's clearly not relationship or family material and the 'we slept in each other's arms last night' just sounds so OTT and desperate

Don't let his issues affect your children. They should be your priority and not him

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:56

Struggling now. Have packed up all his stuff and left it on the bed for him to pick up and am trying to busy myself doing stuff but the reality is smashing into my brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:58

'we slept in each other's arms last night' just sounds so OTT and desperate What I meant by that was that I was comforting him, and there was no real hint that this was coming. I'm not saying it in a hearts and flowers way.

OP posts:
M3lon · 22/11/2018 14:58

I'm pretty worried at the rapid rate of downward spiral indicated here....

I really hope he is safe.

I know this won't help much but I expect that he is splitting up because he absolutely believes you are better off without him. He is wrong about this and you are the one suffering for that wrong thinking - but he isn't choosing to live in this altered reality dystopian world he is finding himself in.

I hope he can fight his way back to reality soon.

londonrach · 22/11/2018 14:59

Op...hold my hand...it sounds like hes not recovered from the previous relationship and needs to get himself together before he can move on. Its not you or him just wrong timing. Let him go. Hes been honest here gelling you that. Just surround yourself with friends and family. What function are you attending. Sounds like he really needs friends and family too.
Xxxxxxx

FannytheW0nderDog · 22/11/2018 14:59

OP this is shite but you are worth so much more than this. Please cancel any plans for performing tonight. You can't hold your crap together in front of people. Get someone to stay with you tonight - friend or relative. You know that life will eventually carry on with someone more emotionally resilient. Sending hugs and chocky cake.

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