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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DP just phoned to say we're done.

71 replies

DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:06

Hand hold please.
We've been living together for 4 months. I was so so happy and so was he. He's dealing with the aftermath of his previous relationship, where he was abused, physically and emotionally, and in the last ten days or so has been very very depressed as he is worried about his DC. Last night we slept in one another's arms.

I did my very very best and it was not enough.

He phoned in tears now to say he just couldn't do it. He's coming over tonight whilst I'm out to get his stuff. I have a function tonight in which I have to perform, so I can't go to pieces right now. My DC will be home in an hour.

Please help me breathe.

OP posts:

Serialweightwatcher · 22/11/2018 17:15

Sounded wrong because my punctuation is cack on that post ... meant if she is abusive maybe that's what she has said

greendale17 · 22/11/2018 17:17

He's dealing with the aftermath of his previous relationship, where he was abused, physically and emotionally

^Wow he was abused in his previous relationship and you are calling him a bastard for breaking up with you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/11/2018 17:20

No she’s not Greendale. Read the thread again. She’s being amazingly fair and sympathetic.

OP focus on you and your DC and your own healing. Good luck tonight.

Babydontcry · 22/11/2018 18:12

I can really empathise, I'm having similar issues with my partner, but we r still together he is going down the medication/counselling route. However much you love him you need to take care of you. I hope tonight is ok. But give yourself some down time.

Ated · 22/11/2018 18:56

Its got nothing to do with abuse, he's just a weak individual with no backbone

SillySallySingsSongs · 22/11/2018 19:06

Its got nothing to do with abuse, he's just a weak individual with no backbone

ODFOD.

Victim blaming is the lowest of the low.

Howtodeal · 22/11/2018 19:16

I really feel for both of you OP. I came out a of a very long EA relationship a number of years ago (verbal abuse, shouting and threats mostly. I left him and he took it very badly). I dived headfirst into dating and really hurt the first semi-serious boyfriend that I had post break up. We weren't living together but we were making plans to a certain extent but I was still having so much hassle from my ex (trying to sort out finances, he was drinking heavily, I was getting calls at odd hours and requests to meet up, none of which I could ignore as we still owned a house jointly and I needed to try and keep him on an even keel to get it sorted out). And I did care about him even after everything, and I wanted him to be ok.

Although I was really happy with my boyfriend I simply couldn't cope with the emotional input required to maintain the relationship, I was regularly in floods of tears or furious about something to do with my ex, I was worried sick about still being financially tied to him, his mental state etc and it felt like I was taking so much from the new relationship but totally unable to give anything back. And new boyfriend wanted more than I felt I had to give because of the situation. So I ended it even though I was happy, it's really hard to explain. I'm just trying to shed some light on how he might be feeling.

If he still is mired in the aftermath of his previous relationship he really needs to try and deal with that properly, otherwise he's in no fit state to be in a happy relationship, it's not good for either of you. I wish you both the best, however it turns out.

Original poster

DeeStopia · 23/11/2018 08:57

Thanks everyone. I'll try to answer the questions.
Yes, it was a very short time together before he moved in. He was living with his parents after leaving his ex. Maybe it was a mistake to move so quickly but it felt natural and right.

I am a bit fucked off with the victim blaming in this thread. He has behaved like an arse with me in the last 24 hours, but further messages make me think that he's unstable. His sister is in touch and is seriously worried. I have begged him to see a doctor today. It seems as though he has completely frozen emotionally between 7am yesterday morning and lunchtime.

He came and packed up his stuff whilst I was performing (which I managed to get through OK mostly). God, it was awful coming home to see his key on the side. He left me cash for bills, and a note. I don't know whether I want to cry or to punch a wall.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 23/11/2018 13:19

As others have said how long was the gap in between ex and you? Doesn't sound like he is ready for another realtionship and needs to sort himself out. All the best, op.

Orange6904 · 23/11/2018 13:20

Why is he getting his stuff when you're not there?

happypoobum · 23/11/2018 13:24

How long have you been in a relationship and how soon after leaving his ex did he start up relationship with you?

Orange6904 · 23/11/2018 13:27

Op the 'frozen emotionally' thing is what my ex did when he left out the blue for someone else. I'm not saying this is the same situation but you don't think he's going back to his ex do you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/11/2018 13:32

Well it obviously wasn't right, OP. It was obviously the wrong thing to do and you didn't know him.

You can complain about the 'victim blaming' all you want to but everybody on this thread has been supportive of you. This was a supposedly mutually important relationship yet you're berating the posters who think that you've been badly treated.

He has his own support system in his family. You're not his family, not even important enough to turn to through a crisis as a friend. That's what a partner is, not this. This relationship wasn't mutual. I'm sorry for what this man is going through but you are not the one he wanted to turn to. You have children who need things to get back to normal asap; I hope that happens and that you recover yourself too.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 13:38

Op the 'frozen emotionally' thing is what my ex did when he left out the blue for someone else. I'm not saying this is the same situation but you don't think he's going back to his ex do you?

Lets hope not considering how much she is abusing him.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/11/2018 15:04

Sorry to hear that you’ve been hurt.

Unfortunately, you’ve learned the hard way not to move anyone in with your children until you have dated them for a year or so. No matter how lovely somebody seems or how wonderful the sex is, you really don’t know them well enough.

You need to block him on your phone and ignore any further communication from him in order to give yourself a chance to recover.

EllenCarver · 23/11/2018 15:08

Sounds like he’s gone back to the ex.

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 23/11/2018 15:13

I know this is not relevant at all but I sighed a big sigh of relief when you said you were only together 4 months.

I always freak out when it's "we've been married 20 years and there's never been any indication he was unhappy". 4 months in, of course it hurts but you had only really been in each others lives a short while, you were hopefully a positive force in his life even if it's not apparent now, and hopefully you'll move on fairly quickly once the initial shock fades.

Onemansoapopera · 23/11/2018 17:33

I think he probably will return to his ex I'm afraid.

Juells · 24/11/2018 09:03

I think he probably will return to his ex I'm afraid.

A friend met a lovely man, was so supportive, he'd been through a dreadful time with crazy wife, was finally free, it was so wonderful to have met a calm balanced person like my friend blah blah fucking blah. Six months later he tells her that there's no excitement in the relationship, he misses how exciting life was with his wife, and he was going back to her.

Some people thrive on drama, and don't really want a nice relationship.

AgentJohnson · 24/11/2018 09:20

Hmm, you both moved far too quickly. Considering you had been careful about moving a man in, i don’t quite understand the ‘it felt so natural’ excuse for moving someone in with so much emotional baggage, so damn quickly.

Your Ex sounds like he’s under severe stress and whilst it’s horrible being on the wrong end of a sudden break up, I think that his MH should be the priority. Playing happy families with you wasn’t the fix to his issues and despite how much you both may have wanted it to be.

Dating is a very important stage in a relationship because it gives you time to get to know each other without the pressure and rushing it rarely ends in success.

BackInTheRoom · 24/11/2018 11:14

'Some people thrive on drama, and don't really want a nice relationship.'

This ^

Maybe he was used to the drama of his old relationship and your more normal relationship was one was unsettling and too soon?

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