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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP just phoned to say we're done.

71 replies

DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 14:06

Hand hold please.
We've been living together for 4 months. I was so so happy and so was he. He's dealing with the aftermath of his previous relationship, where he was abused, physically and emotionally, and in the last ten days or so has been very very depressed as he is worried about his DC. Last night we slept in one another's arms.

I did my very very best and it was not enough.

He phoned in tears now to say he just couldn't do it. He's coming over tonight whilst I'm out to get his stuff. I have a function tonight in which I have to perform, so I can't go to pieces right now. My DC will be home in an hour.

Please help me breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 15:00

I am worried about him too, and am glad he's going to his parents'- They're absolutely lovely people and will help him.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 22/11/2018 15:02

It'd be good to get angry. Because if you are all sympathetic to his needs then you could be purposely stuffing down your own feelings. So when your mind starts going 'oh poor diddums' about little fragile him, ask yourself 'what about me? Whatabout my feelings? Did anyone consider that around here??

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/11/2018 15:02

He's not handled this maturely at all, OP, don't make excuses for him please. Breakdown or no breakdown, you deserved being told face to face. He's a twat in my opinion.

... and he can collect his stuff on your timetable, not his.

Original poster
DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 15:04

Thank you Fanny- I can't cancel tonight, loads of tickets sold and the whole thing would have to be cancelled if I don't go.

OP posts:
charliemay101 · 22/11/2018 15:10

A similar thing happened to me 4 years ago. We were about to move in with each other, were really happy and suddenly he said he couldn't do it anymore. I was totally devastated and wanted to hate him, but i couldn't as he was in a really bad way. He was signed off work for months and had to have intense therapy. I have to say when I look back now, I feel there was so much unfinished business with his ex wife (who was not abusive but had cheated on him repeatedly) and he moved on too quickly with me. After a while I actually did start to hate him, as the whole break up became about him and his break down and no one thought about me and the pain I was in, just because I was seemingly coping. I felt a bit like he has mislead me into thinking that we had a chance. I thought he might come back to me when he recovered but he never did, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that. I am now with someone who I know would never do that to me, all his baggage has been dealt with and I feel secure. I would never have felt like this with my ex.

Ated · 22/11/2018 15:14

As a man, he just sounds weak and not worth your tears. I'm sorry how it has affected your side but just throw his stuff outside and lock the door and good riddance.

WitchesHatRim · 22/11/2018 15:16

As a man, he just sounds weak and not worth your tears.

Would you call a female victim of abuse weak? No thought not.

user1499173618 · 22/11/2018 15:18

It sounds very much as if he needs to rebuild himself before committing to a new life with you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/11/2018 15:19

I'd call anybody who does this to their partner, 'weak'; and that's a kind word for it. Where was the kindness and consideration for the OP?

Simonclez · 22/11/2018 15:20

Concentrate on yourself not him now.

Sounds a bit cunty but I’d definitely not agree to “be friends” or stay in touch or support him emotionally or socially from now on. Or engage in any discussion. Especially if you get a “testing the waters” message out of the blue in a few months time WHEN you’ve moved on.

It sounds like it’s a chaotic overdramatic situation that could drag you down - and you should concentrate on moving you and your children’s lives forward not playing rescuer or fallback girl for someone who is close to the abyss.

That’s how women end up wasting years of their lives.

Hope you get through the next few days ok op Flowers

Simonclez · 22/11/2018 15:24

Oh forgot to RTFT - so he’s said he might come back or not, so you’re “on hold” for him? Change the locks, don’t respond to his texts. If he’s been treated badly then he should get professional emotional support but he’s not entitled to guilt trip you into keeping you as a 24/7 helpline and support centre - it’s not your job to “fix” him?

Misschiff · 22/11/2018 15:24

All you can do is remain there for him. It’s clearly a difficult time and as others have said it’s really not you, it’s him. He needs help and by the sounds of it urgent help too.

whatsthestory123 · 22/11/2018 15:32

how long ago did he break up with his ex?

NWQM · 22/11/2018 15:35

Without sounding unkind he has family to take care of him. You need to keep hold of the fact that he phoned & didn't have the courtesy to you to speak to you. He isn't showing any care for you & your DC. Whatever is going on for him he doesn't sound like the person for you and your family long term. He is being totally selfish.

We are here to hold your hand but do turn to some in 'real life' to.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 22/11/2018 15:38

The timing is unfortunate, but I don't see what he has done is all that bad - he broke up with you because he's in a mess.
Better than stringing you along and dragging you into his mess.
Sounds like he's made a mature decision.

User12879923378 · 22/11/2018 15:38

If you think he's having a genuine crisis and not being spiteful, then I wouldn't be aggressive or spiteful towards him. But I don't think it's your job to look after him or protect his feelings at the expense of your own. You're entitled to be upset and angry about it being over, and you have children to think about. He's got family who will support him so you know he's not alone. Put yourself and your children first. That's not selfish, it's right and fair.

Eliza9917 · 22/11/2018 15:53

How long had you been with him before he moved in @DeeStopia and how long after his last relationship did you get together?

QueenoftheNights · 22/11/2018 15:58

very very selfish of him to do this on a day when you have a function and are on stage- he couldn't wait another day?

no advice but he sounds flaky and not someone you need to 'rescue'.

BatF1nk · 22/11/2018 16:01

You don't want to say how long you've been with him for so I'm assuming this is some bloke you've moved in to your home within a matter of months?

What I said still stands. Your kids should come first and not this man

Lovemusic33 · 22/11/2018 16:23

He started a relationship with you without giving himself time to recover from his previous relationship, not your fault at all, he obviously realises now that it was all to soon for him.

Give him some space, let him leave, he might just need some time alone to sort his head out, when he’s feeling stronger he may return.

QueenoftheNights · 22/11/2018 16:26

I know this is not what you want to hear OP but if he moved straight from his marriage in with you, after suffering abuse there, he's not in the right place to start a new relationship in any way.

He needs therapy or at least time to process what happened in his marriage- presumably a long one if he has 3 children ages 18+.

It's an unusual thing for anyone to swing like a monkey from one relationship tree to the next without a breather when the relationship was abusive. He needs to heal first.

This was waiting to happen but I'm sad for you.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/11/2018 16:28

It appears to me only from what you say, that he doesn't know what he wants, not that he's having a breakdown, but his past is a good excuse to get out of what he has with you now. I think it's rotten how he's done it and I think (although it hurts a lot) you're best out of it sooner rather than later Flowers

Trinity66 · 22/11/2018 16:29

As a man, he just sounds weak and not worth your tears.

What a disgusting thing to say

Miscible · 22/11/2018 16:37

He said on the phone that he needed a break and then we'd see how things went, but what do I do with that in all honesty.

For your own sake, I'd suggest you make it clear to him that that isn't an option. You need certainty, the last thing you need is to hang around putting your life on hold whilst he messes you around indefinitely.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/11/2018 17:14

Also wondering if his ex was abusive - did she know you were living together? Could she have found out and threatened that he wouldn't see kids if he was with you? Just a thought