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Original poster

Does it matter that he doesn't say those 3 words?

61 replies

purplelass · 21/11/2018 11:08

We've been together for nearly 3 years, exclusive but not living together or showing any sign of it.

He's fantastic - there for me when I need him, 100% reliable, understands I can't always be available as I'm a single mum, helps me out when I ask him to but doesn't take over or interfere when I don't ask. He's generous, attentive, funny, great in bed, cooks me dinner when I go to his, bakes from scratch and makes a great cup of tea Smile

The only fly in the ointment is that he doesn't tell me he loves me. If he shows me he loves me with all of the above, does it matter?

It used to bother me A LOT but I'm starting to realise that having someone who shows it but doesn't say it is far better that my ExH who used to say it by habit but didn't show it by the way he treated me.

No-one's 100% perfect are they? And if this is his only 'bad' point, it's not worth making a fuss about and risking all the good stuff for 3 little words, is it? My best mate thinks it's just coz ExH said it so much that I'm missing it a bit with Mr Otherwise-Perfect.

Just wanted to see what others thought..?

OP posts:
Storm4star · 21/11/2018 11:13

It is odd he hasn't said it in 3 years. Have you said it to him? Where do you see this going in the future? It sounds like it's all good now but the difficulty may come if you want it to progress and he doesn't. You are right that actions speak louder than words but it's still nice to hear I love you!

fuddle · 21/11/2018 11:14

He needs to say it. End of.

fluffertothegentry · 21/11/2018 11:18

He's not saying it because of the consequences it would have.
If it mattered to him to say it he would have said it by now. Confused
Anyone saying 'oh they're just words' could just say them then, couldn't they? If they were only just words.........

olivia12 · 21/11/2018 11:19

Do you say it to him? And if yes, what does he say back?

Everyone does express their love in many different ways and we are all different in this and no, nobody is 100% perfect. It depends if we can live happily accepting their imperfections.

My boyfriend never said I love you to his ex, because he didn't feel it and didn't want to say it just because she said it.
He says it to me, albeit not very often, but it is special. My ex said it all the time and treated me like crap.

I guess if it is something that bothers you, you should be able to talk about it with him, especially as he is so lovely. I wouldn't think you would risk anything by talking about it and I am sure he can put your mind at rest.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2018 11:20

Actions speak louder than words....but it would be nice to hear it.

GrumpyOldMare · 21/11/2018 11:22

Words come easy.
Anyone can SAY anything. It's what they DO that's important.

He's showing he loves you which is far more important (in my world)

mooncuplanding · 21/11/2018 11:27

I’d be gutted if my partner never told me they loved me in 3 years!

I think most people have an overwhelming need to say it when they are in love with someone don’t they?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2018 11:32

I think the fact he's showing it means bucket-loads more than just saying it, but that might just be me.

If you need to hear it, he probably needs to say it. Does he know this is so important to you?

Also, have you said it to him?

RatRolyPoly · 21/11/2018 11:33

If you ask him, "do you love me?" does he say he does? Or he doesn't?

I wouldn't mind if he wasn't throwing it into conversation every five minutes, but if I thought he wasn't saying it because he didn't think he loved me, I'd not be comfortable. It's arguably easier to be a perfect couple with someone you don't love because there's less riding on it, less pressure, and little things matter less. Obviously it's great that he treats you well, but the challenge for a couple is to treat each other well when they're in love with each other, when emotions are running ten times higher and the future is at stake.

That's my two cents at any rate.

Trinity66 · 21/11/2018 11:36

Yeah I'd be much more put out if he said it all the time but didn't back it up with actions, of course it would be nice to hear but it's far better to know it

Shoxfordian · 21/11/2018 11:37

He's never said it? What's wrong with him?

HollowTalk · 21/11/2018 11:38

I'd want him to say it. Have you told him you love him?

Honeyroar · 21/11/2018 11:40

It's a much over used word. So many people say it and don't mean it or show it. People say it to manipulate. It's better to have someone actually show it rather than say it and not show it. But I can understand why it bothers you. Have you ever asked him why he doesn't?

SinkGirl · 21/11/2018 11:41

Of course I’d prefer someone to show it but I don’t see why it should be either/ or. If someone didn’t say they love me after three years I’d be very concerned.

Original poster
purplelass · 21/11/2018 11:45

I've said it a few times but he just goes quiet which has put me off saying it again.

I've even said 'I know you love me even though you never say it' and he just smiles.

I can't help thinking that something has happened in his past which makes him like this. I think if we were ever thinking about moving in together / getting married then I'd want to get to the bottom of this, but for now it doesn't bother me enough to make a big thing of it (most of the time).

I agree though, I think I would be happier if he said it occasionally... it's just not a deal breaker for me right now.

OP posts:
Rixera · 21/11/2018 11:50

If it upsets you, it's probably worth talking about, even in a casual 'hey, how come you never say it back?' way.

I don't say it much, just because I think it loses its significance if it becomes a habitual greeting. So while my partner says it a lot, I often smile or do a Han Solo and say 'i know'. But I do as your partner does and try to show him by holding him in mind around the house. I hang his towel out on the left so it's not next to the shower and doesn't get water spray on. I make his coffee when I hear the garden gate open so it's ready for him to drink when he's changed out of his work clothes. And when the moment calls for it, I say it. If your person has never said it, and you wonder if he feels it, then ask- but if he says it only when it feels meaningful, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you the rest of the time as well.

Original poster
purplelass · 21/11/2018 11:56

fluffer what do you mean by He's not saying it because of the consequences it would have?

What consequences do you mean?

OP posts:
Biddie191 · 21/11/2018 11:57

How old are you both? It seems to be something which younger girls 'need' to hear more, yet younger lads are less likely to say, (sorry for very gross generalisation - this is just in my experience).

Just done a quick straw poll in the office, late teen / early 20's lads here, when asked, feel that once they've said it, it means their girlfriends then expect the 'lets get married / move in' step, and so they only say it if they want things to move on. Older ones find it less of a big deal.

HammeringBird · 21/11/2018 12:01

Ask him about it. My husband of over ten years has only ever said it once. Basically, he feels that the words themselves are meaningless. His dad used to say "I love you", but his behaviour suggested otherwise. His mum didn't really say it but has always been a very caring person. So DH just doesn't perceive those three words as having value compared to the way people treat one another. Maybe there is something similar going on with your DP.

If it's bothering you then you should have an honest conversation about it and find out why hasn't said it. After three years together, he should be able to have that conversation.

Original poster
purplelass · 21/11/2018 12:02

How old are you both?

We're both well into our 40s which is why the whole marriage / settling down thing isn't a priority - we're happily living our own lives and seeing each other a few times a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelass · 21/11/2018 12:04

If it's bothering you then you should have an honest conversation about it and find out why hasn't said it. After three years together, he should be able to have that conversation.

I think you're right - I'm going to have to bite that bullet aren't I? Just got to find the right way and time to say it...

OP posts:
Kennycalmit · 21/11/2018 12:08

I’d be gutted if my DP didn’t tell me he loved me Sad

It’s obviously bothering you so I think you need to chat with him about it. If you love somebody, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to say it?

Adora10 · 21/11/2018 12:14

3 years!! Nah I’d seriously be concerned, if you love someone especially at this stage saying I love you should be very natural.

Storm4star · 21/11/2018 13:09

I think the thing is, if it wasn't niggling away at you, you wouldn't have written this post. So it's clearly on your mind. I think that after 3 years it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask him what the deal is. If there's a reason he struggles to say it, he should be able to tell you that. People say there's no relationship without trust, but I would add communication to that list too. In a good relationship you should be able to communicate and discuss things that are on your mind, without fearing any negative consequences.

userxx · 21/11/2018 13:14

Actions speak louder than words. He can bake from scratch.... he's a keeper. Seriously though, its such an over used word and he's showing you he loves you be being the way he is with you.