Does it matter that he doesn't say those 3 words?

[purplelass]

We've been together for nearly 3 years, exclusive but not living together or showing any sign of it.

He's fantastic - there for me when I need him, 100% reliable, understands I can't always be available as I'm a single mum, helps me out when I ask him to but doesn't take over or interfere when I don't ask. He's generous, attentive, funny, great in bed, cooks me dinner when I go to his, bakes from scratch and makes a great cup of tea

The only fly in the ointment is that he doesn't tell me he loves me. If he shows me he loves me with all of the above, does it matter?

It used to bother me A LOT but I'm starting to realise that having someone who shows it but doesn't say it is far better that my ExH who used to say it by habit but didn't show it by the way he treated me.

No-one's 100% perfect are they? And if this is his only 'bad' point, it's not worth making a fuss about and risking all the good stuff for 3 little words, is it? My best mate thinks it's just coz ExH said it so much that I'm missing it a bit with Mr Otherwise-Perfect.

Just wanted to see what others thought..?

As others have said, I'm more concerned that after all this time you can't have a frank conversation about it. And I don't mean demanding to hear the words. I mean understanding if he has ever loved before, how he feels now etc.

It would matter to me a lot. I say it a lot because I mean it a lot. Every time I say it, I'm saying it from the depths of my being. I know it sounds silly but it just explaining the 'other side' for those people who feel it means nothing if used too often. For me it means more each time I say it.

I know a couple who have never said it in 7 years and it feels like they actively hold back now. Cards say 'from' if one of them have a medical emergency they say things like 'im glad you are okay' argh it would drive me mad.

You need to ask him about this. I couldn't be in a ltr with someone without being told I am loved.

OK, I'm going to have to say something as it's obviously bothering me. I'm not going to insist he says it, just next time the opportunity arises I'll say something along the lines of "you act like you love me and you know I love you, what is it that stops you from saying it do you think?"

I'm hoping that will come across as not demanding or confrontational, just curious... what do you think?

I'm prepared for the fact that he may say he's not sure whether he does love me - I'm not looking for commitment or marriage proposals, just reassurance that he does actually want to be with me and it's not just a habit we've got in to.

I'm hoping that will come across as not demanding or confrontational, just curious... what do you think?

I think the way you've worded it is perfect.

I think you do have to ask. The way he behaves should be a given - a boyfriend should be kind and thoughtful. It's just that if you have been with horrible men in the past, coming across a decent one feels special. But really he is doing what all people on relationships should do.
I would worry that he didn't love me and didn't want to be dishonest and lie.
If he didn't, then I would want to know so that I could meet someone else who did.
I'd feel I was wasting my life if I was with someone (however nice) who wasn't seeong a future with me.

@purplelass

So - I am also a person who doesn’t use this word. Just never could, it always seemed so big and scary.
And could only clearly identify my emotions looking into the past - after the relationship ended, NOT while I was in the middle of it.

So - if a bf at the time asked me what you are about to ask him - i’d be confused, and rattled and scared.
Or maybe feel forced to please.

I don’t know what his issue is. But - assuming he is emotionally guarded - like I was most of my life - pushing him may not give you what you are looking for.
It’ll feel artificial.

The issue - the way I see it - isn’t the use of one specific word. It’s the absence of closeness of the kind that makes that word possible.
Neither of you opened up to each other fully yet.
And - at least for me - one can’t really love another without getting that closeness, without knowing and understanding each other deeply. That includes histories and what makes them tick in life, what they want, etc....

Feelings before that closeness are to me - an initial attraction and need to have someone.

@Josuk

Thanks for your reply, although it's confused me even more now about what to do!

How would you suggest I can start a conversation letting him know how I feel without making him feel confused, rattled, scared or forced to please?

Look - I don’t know him, so am only projecting from my own admittedly less than usual emotional setup....

I have always been guarded and not easy to recognise my own emotions. And felt deeply at times, but my emotional side was tucked away deeply to protect myself.....
So any push of the type you are talking about could push me away.

If you can’t take it any longer - obviously - tell him something. But don’t make it about HIM and why HE can’t open up. Just tell him about you, how you feel about him, and your relationship.
Don’t make it about things being wrong with him and him not being able to say it.

In the end of the day - in your posts you said that the relationship works for you, you don’t have a pressure to make any official changes to your status and he treats you in a way that makes you happy.
If this all true - than the only thing that’s missing is that one word - plus - and I am guessing - you would like to know if he is happy and planning to stick around.
So - maybe that’s it - rather than putting him on the spot about L-word - ask him if he is happy, etc.

So - maybe that’s it - rather than putting him on the spot about L-word - ask him if he is happy, etc.

I like that - I've asked him before if he's happy with how everything is with him & me and he's said yes so it won't be big and scary and might (or might not) lead to deeper discussions...

My mind will be put at rest and he won't be too scared, hopefully!

Thanks Josuk

But he can be happy with the safe comfortable familiarity of your relationship and yet still not love you. If he doesn't love you would you still want to stay? I think you need to decide that before you have this conversation and be prepared to walk away, because if he doesn't love you after 3 years he never will.

If he doesn't love you would you still want to stay?

As long as he cares about me, which he has already said he does, and can honestly say that he sees us as being a couple for the conceivable future then I'm happy with that.

ExH said he loved me. He married me, lied to me and cheated on me, so I'm quite happy living in the 'now' with this one rather than worrying about the future.