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Original poster

Does it matter that he doesn't say those 3 words?

61 replies

purplelass · 21/11/2018 11:08

We've been together for nearly 3 years, exclusive but not living together or showing any sign of it.

He's fantastic - there for me when I need him, 100% reliable, understands I can't always be available as I'm a single mum, helps me out when I ask him to but doesn't take over or interfere when I don't ask. He's generous, attentive, funny, great in bed, cooks me dinner when I go to his, bakes from scratch and makes a great cup of tea Smile

The only fly in the ointment is that he doesn't tell me he loves me. If he shows me he loves me with all of the above, does it matter?

It used to bother me A LOT but I'm starting to realise that having someone who shows it but doesn't say it is far better that my ExH who used to say it by habit but didn't show it by the way he treated me.

No-one's 100% perfect are they? And if this is his only 'bad' point, it's not worth making a fuss about and risking all the good stuff for 3 little words, is it? My best mate thinks it's just coz ExH said it so much that I'm missing it a bit with Mr Otherwise-Perfect.

Just wanted to see what others thought..?

OP posts:
recraft · 21/11/2018 13:23

I'm really bad at speaking up, but I know I would have to ask after 3 years. Then I would wait for an answer, if he didn't answer I would ask him whether I should I assume he didn't.

milienhaus · 21/11/2018 13:29

I had a relationship which lasted a long time and he didn’t say that he loved me. It was because he didn’t. I think I knew that really the whole time.

OP, it clearly bothers you, so why not ask? The longer you don’t ask the more it will niggle!

user1481840227 · 21/11/2018 13:29

It would personally bother me a lot, but then I grew up in a home where no one showed me or ever told me they loved me so I guess I need it.

I would also be concerned that if he was unable to say those 3 words that he might be the type to completely switch off/refuse to communicate, if there were any relationship issues in future as he would be unable to discuss his feelings. For me that would be frustrating and a dealbreaker. For me though that again goes back to childhood when serious things were never discussed or any issues were never sorted out, and also a relationship I had where the same cycle was kind of repeated so i'd never be in a relationship with a man like that again.

Have you ever had any serious issues or conversations and has he been able to open up?

Original poster
purplelass · 21/11/2018 13:36

Have you ever had any serious issues or conversations and has he been able to open up?

No - we just breeze along really. He's never asked about my past although he knows I'm divorced and obviously knows my daughter and I've never asked about his, apart from the fact that he's always lived on his own.

I suspect he's never had a serious relationship before (a friend of his described him as a bit of a 'lone wolf') so doesn't know what the rules are...

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 21/11/2018 13:56

I done believe people should say it unless the feel it that moment to say it. So many people just get into the habit of saying it and it starts to not make you "feel it" when they say it.
Not to offend, but maybe he isn't sure he does love you. He obviously cares for you greatly and is being lovely to you, he might just not feel it enough to say it yet.

It is only an issue if you think it's an issue, everyone has different needs in a relationship if this is important to you,YANBU. But he's not being unreasonable by not saying it.

Trinity66 · 21/11/2018 14:09

No - we just breeze along really. He's never asked about my past although he knows I'm divorced and obviously knows my daughter and I've never asked about his, apart from the fact that he's always lived on his own

Ok so that is definitely odd after 3 years

Rixera · 21/11/2018 14:37

The lone wolf thing might be part of it. Also, weirdly as he doesn't pry- could that be a work habit?

I only ask as one of my beaus is also a lone wolf type, in his 60s, no serious relationships because he was a therapist and poured all his time into his clients wellbeing, and I know he prefers to have me tell him things that are personal rather than directly asking as a holdover from his work. He doesn't want to push for information unless I'm ready to give it, and I adjusted to that even though it felt weird coming out with my baggage uninvited in a way. He's always so supportive and amazing when I do say something. And similarly when I said I love you for the first time, he said, kid you not, 'i must admit the same feelings have been burgeoning in me'. Which sounds like bullshit and which I laughed at. But he got more comfortable with love over time too and now we both say it when we feel it... But not frequently.

trulybadlydeeply · 21/11/2018 14:46

Everyone expresses love in different ways, so I wouldn't necessarily worry about that, I'm one of those people who doesn't say it all the time and tends to express it in actions. However I would find it strange that he's never said it at all.

What I find more strange is that you know so little about him, even though you spend time with him and presumably let him into your house, he has met your daughter etc.

Have you met any of his family? Are you included in family get togethers? How much do you know about his job? How many of his friends do you know?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2018 14:47

Red Flag. Major red flag.

Adora10 · 21/11/2018 14:53

Has he ever given you a Valentine's Card, a Birthday Card etc....what does he write, best regards lol, but seriously it's very odd.

Great he does what you say, although I wouldn't exactly call it mind blowing; where's the romance though?

Dirtybadger · 21/11/2018 15:21

I've never told DP I love him. Nor he I. Been together 4 years. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you in exactly the same way as all the people saying it every day, necessarily. That's all I would say Smile.

fluffertothegentry · 21/11/2018 15:27

Hi OP, sorry got sidetracked by work Grin

By the consequences I meant the whole being 'a couple in love' thing, like living together, talking about starting a family, getting engaged/married, getting to know each other's families and friends, and so on like many people calling themselves lovers do.

By not introducing the love thing that puts the dampers on that, lets him off and he's then able to claim 'well I never said I love you, did I? I just though we were cool.'

FlyingElbows · 21/11/2018 16:17

I've never said it to Mr Elbows. In my experience it's a hollow phrase which trips off the tongue of people who treat you like shit. Not for me. The children and the 22 years of my life he's had mean way more.

Adora10 · 21/11/2018 16:22

I’ve honestly never said I love you to anyone and not meant it, why would you?

Find it sad folk think expressing yourself in such a lovely way is not necessary or is somehow negative connotations.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/11/2018 17:09

I think this is very off OP sorry, I think the excuse of 'oh he doesn't do x but he does everything else/shows me in other ways' only works for gripes about small romantic gestures and stuff, not this.
He's very deliberately not saying it back and that is weird after 3 years and at that age. Id actually find it really off putting and immature that he'd not chosen to broach the subject even if just to say he was aware it was an elephant in the room, didn't feel that way but enjoyed the relationship. The smiling when you are fishing for acknowledgement would just hurt my feelings and make me think he's a smug prick. Obviously he knows if you say it you want to hear it back.

Do you really want to have to fish for acknowledgement someone loves you wondering all the time whether they do not? That's really not how it should work.
I don't agree with the attitude that he is labelled better compared to what sounds like an awful ex either, it just sets him up to treat you badly, but less badly than the other one did, and you will accept it because overall he compares favourably.
It's just excuses, things like saying his friends say he's a lone wolf and he just 'doesn't know the rules'- he's a grown man, there is no way he doesn't know that's normal, as of he's never seen a film or tv program or witnessed any other humans interacting or something. Unless he has personal difficulties or a disorder, it's just reaching to justify it I think. There is shy and thrres emotionally stunted, then theres this.
How have you not cracked and asked him why he has never said it, won't say it and won't return it? I'd not have been able to keep it in! Do you think you are worried that he will say he doesn't and then it will shake the apple cart?

You do deserve to be told you are loved OP. You obviously are bothered by it, I think you're just going to need to face up to it, ask and go from there Flowers

TwiceMagic · 21/11/2018 17:15

My ex never told me he loved me, because he simply didn’t love me. But he also managed to demonstrate that through his actions. I don’t think he’s actually capable of loving someone though.

I like to show people I love them and tell them. Both are important to me.

Dirtybadger · 21/11/2018 17:31

Have you ever tried asking him why he doesn't or can't say it? Honestly that would be my next move. Because he may be able to give you an answer that satisfies you. When you hear his reason, you can make a judgment. But yes there must be a reason. I'm sure he has thought about it and he is making an active choice not to say it. But why that is we don't know.

OldWomanSaysThis · 21/11/2018 18:16

What was his upbringing like? Do you hear him saying it to his parents are other relatives?

desperatesux · 21/11/2018 18:34

I too think its a red flag. I understand him not blurting it out but not saying it back would be a bigger issue as that is more deliberate.. its almost saying I don't love you as a "me too" is easy even for the most undemonstrative types !

I would kind of agree he is not saying it as he doesn't feel it. I have a similar issue with my DH in that he hardly ever says it but will say "me too or I love you too" if I say it first

Lovingit81 · 21/11/2018 18:50

I'm sorry op but I don't believe he loves you if he leaves you hanging when you say it to him. I'm sorry, I just don't. Obviously that's just my opinion but I hope you get an answer either way. X

oiiiiiii · 21/11/2018 19:13

No - we just breeze along really. He's never asked about my past although he knows I'm divorced and obviously knows my daughter and I've never asked about his, apart from the fact that he's always lived on his own. This is weirder than the i love you stuff, to my eye. Talk is very cheap, actions speak so much louder. I could easily go without hearing ily, but I couldn't be with someone for 3 years and know that they didn't "know" me.

Part of knowing someone is knowing their history. I'm not "me" to another person, if they don't know basic things about how I became the person I am.

My dp of 3 years is extremely sensitive about not prying, very rarely asks anyone personal questions. And despite this he knows my life story. In detail. If he didn't, he wouldn't be my partner. Would he even be my friend??

I would assume that this relationship is mostly one of convenience, possibly a bit transactional from his pov. Sort of, "we keep each other company, she's a lovely lady, we have a laugh" and that's the extent of it - hence he doesn't say things like "I love you". And if you are ok with that, then that is ok. But I would struggle to feel that any real intimacy existed between myself and someone who didn't know fuck all about me, nor me about them.

LittleKitty1985 · 21/11/2018 20:00

I was in a relationship like this for a year. I eventually just asked him outright and he said he didn't say it because he didn't want to lie to me & that he thought he was incapable of love... but then a few months later he got back with his ex and now they're married!

Awoof · 21/11/2018 20:24

I was in a similar situation OP after i had been with my chap 2 years- I basically and embarrassingly told him to fuck Off if he didn't love me. As in I wanted love to be reciprocated and to feel secure.
He explained he was worried that taking next steps ( such as saying i love you too) would spoil what we had, I countered that we would have nothing at all if he couldn't open up to me.
A few weeks later he told me he loved me and says it all the time now, as well as showing me.
I think having the argument has brought us closer.

MMmomDD · 21/11/2018 22:16

OP - I’d not ask him about the L-world before two of you get closer and know more about each other’s histories.
I think for him - it’s rooted in the way he is with love and relationships.
A man who hasn’t had a long relationship before being well into his 40s has something that led to it...

I haven’t been been able to use the L-word for a very very long time, despite having loved people. Rooted in my childhood, my father/mother relationship, etc....

If you love him - focus on getting closer to him and understanding him. He may be able to open up to you, eventually.
I know I did.

SandyY2K · 21/11/2018 22:20

It could be as simple as he doesn't love you. If he did, he'd at least say it when you did.

I had an Ex who I never said it to... I did love him...But wanted him to say it first. He did...when I was going away for a couples of weeks holiday.

I had another Ex who said it to me...but I didn't feel the same and didn't say it. I felt bad I couldn't say it back...but I didn't want to lie.

I would never demand someone said it...it asked if I loved them and questioned me about it. Tbh...that would totally put me off.

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