Long term relationship advice

[lostgirl28]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to mumsnet and I guess feeling like a bit of a fraud because I don't actually have kids so apologies if that's an issue for anyone, I just figured there's lots of supportive women on here with good advice (regularly come here for help with stuff)!

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years nearly. I'm 28, he's 27. We met at uni, moved in together about 3 years ago and just bought a house at the beginning of this year.

On paper, (and in really life too I guess), he's a top bloke, he's not abusive, he's quite supportive, he's kind and caring and handsome.

The problem is, I find him so bloody boring. He's very career driven, and while I appreciate him having a job and earning decent money, it's literally his life and it doesn't align with how I feel about work. I have a good job and work hard but when I come home it's done and I do the stuff I'm passionate about.

He does all this stuff for work but then when he comes home all he does is moan about how tired he is and can't wait to go to bed at 10:00pm. He falls asleep every Friday night, he's tired every weekend.

He does the cooking every night which I'm very grateful for, I truly am. But he monopolises the whole situation and has to take control. He can't take any criticism about a meal if I don't like it (which is rare because I like most of his stuff) and thinks he's Gordon Ramsay and to top it all off he can't do the dishes at the same time so the kitchen is a tip every night.

He never cleans, he never feeds the rabbit, he'll never do the washing or drying or just generally think that other stuff might need doing around the house. I know I'm lucky he cooks but honestly it irks me so much the amount of thinking I have to do about keeping on top of things while he does none of it. It's making me feel like he's lazy and that makes me find him so unattractive.

I've talked to him about it, he thinks he does plenty around the house and thinks I have a superiority complex😒

He talks about money all. The. Time. He's obsessed with saving for his retirement and I know it's sensible but come on! Were not even thirty yet and do f**k all every weekend yet he's got thousands saved for being old. On top of the massive pension he's gathering because of his job.

Oh, and we never have sex. We are both physically fit people, exercise a lot and keep in shape, but sex just isn't a thing for us and hasn't been for about three years. Since we've moved into this house (February this year) we've had six about 5 times. I've tried initiating it but that never works. When he intiates I usually go with it but it lasts all of about ten seconds and I get nothing out of it which makes me never want to f**k him again. And the sex is boring. We've been having sex the exact same way for god knows how long and I'm tired of it. I still want it, I imagine shagging other people and being thrown about and the sheer passion of it all and then feel sad I don't have that.

I feel stifled by his restrictive nature, and his sensibility. He says I'm a dreamer and always want to be chasing some dream or another and that he keeps me seeing sense but I feel like what he actually does is hold me back from being who I want to be and just makes me save money. Don't get me wrong, he's brought a lot of great things into my life and I'm now financially stable because of him and I've got some good takeaways from being with him in terms of money management, but I want fire and ice and passion and he has none of it.

I feel bad because as I said, he's actually a really good person and I wonder if this is the dreamer in me chasing something else, 'grass is greener' and all of that, but I feel like as I've gotten older I've grown and changed and want something different.

I guess I just wanted some advice and thoughts from people, anyone really. I've got no one to talk to about it because all my friends are his and obviously they all think he's a great guy.

Any advice would be much appreciated, so sorry for the length of this post!! 🙏🏽

Don't feel bad about it. He should be feeling bad about his behaviour.

How much have you contributed to the house repairs and mortgage over the years? Is this documented via bank statements. I wouldn’t leave all of this to him - but try to find a fair way to extricate yourself - maybe CAB could help calculate this - you need this money to set yourself up and move on.

You asked how to separate. You do it by putting in emotional distance over time until you are detached. At least he will not be pestering you for boring sex - that thought must be a relief in its self - imagine never having to have sex with him again!

Keep yourself busy and out of the house. Surround yourself with fun people and exhilarating experiences - that will give your the spark and momentum to skip on out of there.

He sounds more and more controlling (quiet and subtle) with every single post.

People are either radiators or drains - you need to seek to surround yourself with radiators so that you are invigorated by their energy and warmth and respond in kind. Drains you need to swerve.

You will know who is who by assessing how you feel after being in someone’s company. Do you feel stultified, low, bored, drained - or vibrant, energised, inspired, happy.

You don’t need to character assassinate him - you can just decide you are incompatible - I am sure there is lovely mousey young lady, fascinated by saving and spreadsheets that will love him to bits.

Jesus don’t even have the privacy and freedom in your own home to scibble down some thoughts without him breathing down your neck......?

@another20 if I'm honest most of the money tied up in the house originally came from him anyway. There were urgent repairs that needed doing and money left over from the huge deposit his mum and dad gave him so we used most of that. Whatever I contributed and whatever paid off the mortgage (which at this stage isn't much) I'm happy to leave behind. He'll only argue that it's his and I don't care enough to fight that. I have my own money, I'd rather just have a clean break.
And yes. If I sit elsewhere he'll usually follow me. For instance; last night I sat in the spare room so I could write on here when I got in from work, he came and sat with me even though I wasn't talking to him at all. He did leave eventually so doesn't stay the whole time but it's the awkwardness of him coming in in the first place!

In the limbo weeks don't focus on why you will be breaking up. That is a waste. Instead plan your new life.

Find a flat, choose a new duvet set, plan some nights out, investigate clubs /education / hobbies you could start doing to keep yourself busy and make new friends when you are free. Energy into new life not into the sink hole of old life.

You’re not married, no kids and still young. Take the lessons you’ve learnt and chase your dreams, there’s no compelling reason not to.

lostgirl28 how are you doing?

He sounds like he'd be a great bloke when youre in your 70s or 80s, but I think that sounds boring as fuck before then. Do you think you could split amicably and be friends.

@another20 so sorry it took me so long to respond to this. Thank you for coming back to check.

Basically things are the still the same except I've had a mini quarter life crisis this week. I decided I wanted to go adventure and love around and just sack off the life we've built and asked if he'd come with and he basically said no.
After talking to some people I realise that travelling is not the issue, I'm just trying to escape the reality of our relationship and so the original feelings still exist.

Sex life is still non existent despite me trying very hard last night to initiate something. Literally never been turned after a blowjob but last night was a piss take.

I realise we need to split but I'm conflicted about the whole thing as I'm sure is normal andnim having so much difficulty coming to terms with the consequences of such a huge decision. My life would be so different. And I feel bad for hurting him because at the end of it all he is a good person.

I need some pep talks 🙏🏽

And by 'love around' I mean MOVE around. I definitely wasn't suggesting we love around haha.

You're not matched. You need to move on.

Keep re-reading the thread - the answers are all there even if you can’t see them yet or are not ready to act on them......yet.

For me it feels like you are being bruried alive. If you were my daughter I would be gutted that the joy, pleasure, passion and opportunity was being sucked out of your life. Don’t feel guilty - he may we’ll have come to the same conclusions - that you don’t share the same values, dont the same things for now and the future. You have to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - these are really unhealthy base emotions on which to make decisions on how to live your life. Don’t fear a future without him (I would fear one with him!), you are not obligated to him - and you should hold no guilt for being honest and authentic about your feelings. This is also better for him in the long run - he will be an attractive proposition to someone else. Have you expressed your feelings to anyone in RL? Don’t let them minimise them. Don’t bother speaking with him - he dismisses you and treats you with a patronising quiet contempt - even though you may not see that yet.

You have made one massive shift through this thread - you started asking for long term relationship advice - which means you were looking for tactics to help you cope and stay in the relationship - now you say you know you need to leave.

So it’s when not if.

Start planning your fantasy life - research the the trips you want to go on, imagine where and how you would like to live day to day. You can do this all online or in your head - it will give you the impetus to finally move.

List out the practicalities of how you extricate yourself from the mortgage etc - speak to CAB or get legal advice (there is a legal section here on MN talk that might answer many of your Qs).

Just keep inching along that diving board and one day you will know when you are detached and prepared enough to dive off.

It doesn’t have to be some big emotional drama - he sounds v detached and not v in love with you - so it might be a case of indifference, we are not compatible, no need to hurt each other, was an important chapter in your lives - now time for a new chapter for both of you.

I've spoken to people I'm close with at work about it because actually I realised I have no other friends, I've based my entire adult life around him. I've never made the effort to make new friends as an adult because I've always had him to go home to and considered him the only friend I need.
I realise that has been a silly attitude to take but when you're in it it's hard to not be so blind.

I acknowledge I've put a lot on him in terms of being literally my only thing; I have very little family (no parents etc) and few friends so he has over the years, become all of those things for me. I feel bad for that because I know a lot of the issues I've highlighted are probably because of my overloading on him. I also know I can't change that as long as I'm with him because I'll always see him as my one rock and I need to be that for myself first and be independent.

I don't know what I would with my future in terms of the travel and adventure I'm seeking. I don't even know if that will happen. But I feel that staying in this relationship is a guarantee of it not happening. Or if it does, it would be with the wrong person.

We discussed yesterday and he said he didn't realise he meant less to me than I did to him and he felt a mug. I felt bad about that but I know deep down that's the case. And I think if he really thinks about it he would see the same thing and that i hold him back too. We talked about breaking up and he immediately said he wanted the house (surprise surprise).

So the topic has been broached, I just need to keep hipd of these feelings and not let them be pushed down as I usually do.

So sad that you have no parents at such a young age. Have you had any counselling and come to terms with that trauma?

Him jumping in the deep end declaring he wants the house which trumps any emotion or any value he attaches to the relationship- tells you all you need to know. Sorry.

I would be looking for a house share, developing a social life with work colleagues, picking up with old friends and taking up new hobblies and passions to get you through.

I would also prioritise your emotional / mental health by investing in a good psychotherapist. You need to heal the hurt of the loss of your parents and not repeat the same mistake of ending up in another unbalanced relationship where your partner is really your parent.

In terms of my parents, that's something that happened years ago. One is dead the other is very much alive but has serious issues and I removed myself from that environment a long long time ago. I am grateful for the death because it allowed me the freedom to live my life (I was his carer) and I think it's why I feel a wholehearted need to live it to the full. It happened around the time we met however so I can see that I replaced one parent with essentially another in some way.

For a long time it was what I needed to get by but I feel that over he years I have grown and matured and I'm ready to move on as an individual and I'll be forever grateful to my partner for giving me that. I've moved on from my parents too and I think that's why I feel such a sense of freedom now?

I've decided that I'm going to sit down and talk with him tonight and just get a feel for he's thinking because at the end of the day I've had lots of time to come to terms with this but it might all be very sudden for him so I need to give him time too. I think an honest conversation is the only way forward.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship apart from your tea cooked every night? Just eat can do that for a whole lot less hassle. Life is too short for shit sex and crap relationships. Move in gain a bit of independence and realise that you are not ‘lucky’ because he cooks tea and does naff all else. Wish you luck!

I wish I had been on MN at your age (or younger actually as I had DC1 and was pregnant at your age) and could have got advice. If I had I could have written a lot of your post. As it is, I'm still here 9 years older than you and getting increasingly bored and frustrated. DH isn't a bad person at all but I don't think we are overly compatible. If I'm honest, he was my first relationship and I thought if I didn't grab him I wouldn't meet anyone else (I was 18!) and it went from there. I knew early on I should have moved on but I didn't and now I feel trapped. Married, kids, house etc and increasingly unhappy.

Now is the time for you to move on OP. Go for it! You are young and have no ties. I WISH someone could have given me this advice so I'm passing it onto you.

OP I am sorry that you have had such a tough time through your childhood - if you haven’t done so already I would still urge you to do a but of counselling - as you haven’t been parented properly and your emotional growth is compromised - that is why you are with your dull steady rock, that is why you are trapped in FOG emotions. You might now rebound for someone on the other extreme etc. You need to find who you are and grow into yourself. I read somewhere that you are a reflection of the 5 people you spend most time with - so choose carefully - build your social life and friendships with that in mind.

This is very random but I actually wanted to give an update on this seven years later.
i did in fact leave my bf, it took another couple of years for me to get there but i did it. I also moved to Australia and my life is so far away from what it used to be and im so beyond happy. I spent a few years single working through some things and i can honestly say say that life is great. My ex got married recently and im very happy for him; we both deserved something else in life.
basically all this to say if you’re not sure about him then leave because life will get infinitely better 🤗

I have just read through your thread from the beginning and have to say that I’m so happy to read your last post! Have a wonderful life!

This is me 24 years and 2 years down the road. Do yourself and him a favour and end it. You will thank yourself for it. My husband does nothing around the house, but works hard and pays the bills etc. all he talks about is his work and his friends at work. Sex is boring and I’m guilted into it. At our age, he takes Viagra and I’m never asked if I want sex- he just takes the pill and 20 mins later, has an erection and then I feel like I need to deal with it. Honestly, you will end up like me- trapped in a boring marriage- not bad enough to leave and hurt the kids, but not fulfilling.

@lostgirl28 you have no idea how much I needed to see this. This is my life right now and the guilt because he’s a “nice guy” is killing me. The thought of will I regret it, is it the right thing to do but deep down I know I’ve been making excuses for him for years.

thank you so much ❤️

That's great @lostgirl28 ! Thanks for updating.