Long term relationship advice

[lostgirl28]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to mumsnet and I guess feeling like a bit of a fraud because I don't actually have kids so apologies if that's an issue for anyone, I just figured there's lots of supportive women on here with good advice (regularly come here for help with stuff)!

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years nearly. I'm 28, he's 27. We met at uni, moved in together about 3 years ago and just bought a house at the beginning of this year.

On paper, (and in really life too I guess), he's a top bloke, he's not abusive, he's quite supportive, he's kind and caring and handsome.

The problem is, I find him so bloody boring. He's very career driven, and while I appreciate him having a job and earning decent money, it's literally his life and it doesn't align with how I feel about work. I have a good job and work hard but when I come home it's done and I do the stuff I'm passionate about.

He does all this stuff for work but then when he comes home all he does is moan about how tired he is and can't wait to go to bed at 10:00pm. He falls asleep every Friday night, he's tired every weekend.

He does the cooking every night which I'm very grateful for, I truly am. But he monopolises the whole situation and has to take control. He can't take any criticism about a meal if I don't like it (which is rare because I like most of his stuff) and thinks he's Gordon Ramsay and to top it all off he can't do the dishes at the same time so the kitchen is a tip every night.

He never cleans, he never feeds the rabbit, he'll never do the washing or drying or just generally think that other stuff might need doing around the house. I know I'm lucky he cooks but honestly it irks me so much the amount of thinking I have to do about keeping on top of things while he does none of it. It's making me feel like he's lazy and that makes me find him so unattractive.

I've talked to him about it, he thinks he does plenty around the house and thinks I have a superiority complex😒

He talks about money all. The. Time. He's obsessed with saving for his retirement and I know it's sensible but come on! Were not even thirty yet and do f**k all every weekend yet he's got thousands saved for being old. On top of the massive pension he's gathering because of his job.

Oh, and we never have sex. We are both physically fit people, exercise a lot and keep in shape, but sex just isn't a thing for us and hasn't been for about three years. Since we've moved into this house (February this year) we've had six about 5 times. I've tried initiating it but that never works. When he intiates I usually go with it but it lasts all of about ten seconds and I get nothing out of it which makes me never want to f**k him again. And the sex is boring. We've been having sex the exact same way for god knows how long and I'm tired of it. I still want it, I imagine shagging other people and being thrown about and the sheer passion of it all and then feel sad I don't have that.

I feel stifled by his restrictive nature, and his sensibility. He says I'm a dreamer and always want to be chasing some dream or another and that he keeps me seeing sense but I feel like what he actually does is hold me back from being who I want to be and just makes me save money. Don't get me wrong, he's brought a lot of great things into my life and I'm now financially stable because of him and I've got some good takeaways from being with him in terms of money management, but I want fire and ice and passion and he has none of it.

I feel bad because as I said, he's actually a really good person and I wonder if this is the dreamer in me chasing something else, 'grass is greener' and all of that, but I feel like as I've gotten older I've grown and changed and want something different.

I guess I just wanted some advice and thoughts from people, anyone really. I've got no one to talk to about it because all my friends are his and obviously they all think he's a great guy.

Any advice would be much appreciated, so sorry for the length of this post!! 🙏🏽

Thank you that means a lot (I don't know how to do a direct response to people's messages, would be grateful if someone could explain this to me!) and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I just feel so selfish. I feel as though the things I'm wanting are pipe dreams and actually things will never be as good as they are right now and maybe if I hang on things will get better. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I'm worried that what I'm searching for, I won't find, and letting go of a comfortable nice, albeit boring relationship, may be the biggest mistake ever.

Adulting is hard.

Lostgirl28, you say I feel very selfish making this all about me but it's your life so it is about you - and rightly so. If you're this unhappy you need to put yourself first and end this.

As a PP said It doesn't matter if he's great or not, he doesn't make you happy.

You say "It would be great if people could share what they feel a healthy relationship is like?"

I'm a widow and still miss my DH. We had times with bugger all money and neither of us were perfect but, my God, we laughed. We were always laughing. I could trust him with my life and our sex life was amazing. Even after all the years. The last year of his life he was dying and sex wasn't possible, but the intimacy and the romance remained just as strong. And he was kind to his very bone. His funeral was huge, which was comforting to our DC.

If a relationship doesn't mean you both feel stronger and happier as a unit than as two single people, then it's not working.

End this. There will be women who love this man's qualities. Let him free to meet them. You need to meet someone who fills you with joy and excitement - and who shares your sense of fun.

I agree with all the others. You are too young to settle for 4this and the baby voices thing really did my head in.

You can address specific posters using "@" in front of their username without any spaces, for example @Sethis

The baby voices thing is simply something that you've grown out of. Different people of course have different dynamics, but just the same as you, we used to use a lot of endearments with each other, pretty much to end most sentences. My current partner would probably leave me if I called her "Hun" or "My love" more than once or twice a day .

Tbh the sex part alone is capable of killing your relationship in and of itself. This is the time of life where you should be discovering your own turn ons, trying new things, and making damn well sure that any guy you're with is even more focused on your pleasure than his own. It's tragic enough reading the stories of "roll-on-roll-off" sex on these forums without it being your entire experience in the bedroom. Passion is easily possible if you go out and find yourself a guy who has some!

Definitely don't settle OP. You will find the man of your dreams. But that won't happen whilst you're still with Mr Rigid. Rip off the plaster and make the break.

lostgirl, You sound a little like me 3 years ago. I was in a stable, seemingly happy (from the outside) relationship with a good man who also cooked for me, and wasn't abusive, but that was it. And the sex (when we did have it) was crap.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering, "what if?" so I ended things and we parted amicably.

3 years later I'm in a fantastic relationship where we laugh all. the. time. and go on adventures weekly and monthly. And I FINALLY have had good sex. I've had more sex in the last 4 months than I have had my entire life up until 4 months ago.

BTW, I'm 52.

It's not selfish to want more for yourself. Don't waste your life on less than what you want and deserve.

Well, you know what your life will be like. Do you want this for the next (possibly) 70 years?

And fwiw, I don't think he sounds amazing. Look at all the threads where the DH doesn't do any house work, leaves the kitchen in a shit state every night etc. There's an article about some bloke who's wife divorced him because he didn't put his cups in the dishwasher. A few years down the line, with kids and the drudgery of life at that stage and these things become massive. You'll be asked why you put up with it, how you let it get this far.

Anyway... I digress. I think you've outgrown the relationship. Don't waste your life, or his. Get out there!

Oh and the baby voice thing is seriously gross.

I don't think he sounds very nice at all. Just because he isn't shouting etc - I don't see much respect or kindness towards you.
He sounds very self indulgent, smug, entitled - and you are to be "grateful".

He gets to choose the the one single "chore" - cooking that he ENJOYS and leaves you to clear up after his pass-time.

He dismisses you and doesn't listen to your concerns.

He gets to call the shots 100% of the time - no compromises - on saving/spending/travel/fun.

His work life balance sounds shite and you are the one picking up the slack

A good relationship is two people looking out at the world in the same direction.

You need to extricate yourself from this relationship.

What would it entail - does he earn enough or have saved enough to buy you out of the property.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I'm so sorry for your loss but thank you so much for sharing your experience. That really fills me with so much happiness 😊

@Sethis thank you for showing me how to respond to people!! And you are right about the endearments etc. It was something I used to love but I just don't enjoy that anymore.

@bluedamsel it's great that you felt empowered and confident enough to leave and find someone who is better suited to you.

The trouble is every time I think leaving would be great, I get this pang of sheer panic and doubt that everything I've said about him is true. But I suppose it doesn't matter really does it, what matters is how I feel about it. But then I think well what if this is just a bad day and I'll feel differently next week or something.
This is so hard. I've never broken up with someone before apart from when I was about 13, I actually don't know where to even begin 😩

Don't over think it - just let yourself feel - honestly.

Take baby steps - step back, observe, listen and feel for now - then just put in some emotional distance and detach slowly, start going out and doing your own thing - within a couple of weeks you will feel clearer about it.

Be confident that it is for the best - for him as well - short pain - long gain.

If you played a game where you read your OP back to yourself as a stranger and thought about if that sounded good or not, you'd come to your own conclusions. It seems obvious written down in black an white, doesn't it, but the fear of being alone is still there... but being alone for a while can be so healthy to help you understand where you won't compromise in the future.

@another20 you're right. I've always thought that in some way I wasn't being treated the way I felt was right but on the surface it sounds like I'm so lucky. There's women everywhere going 'oh but you're lucky he even cooks for you, my man does nothing' so it makes me feel bad when actually I feel like he should be doing a hell of a lot more. And when he does cook if it's something I say I don't like he'll say 'well sometimes we have to eat things we don't really like' 😡
He does dismiss me, particularly my feelings, and it's so frustrating.

In terms of the house I don't want any of it or anything in it apart from my rabbit and my clothes. He can honestly have the lot. He'll only moan about the money he's spent so I don't care. He should have enough saved to take over the mortgage when it comes to remortgaging next year. To be fair I played no part in the deposit, his mum and dad gave him a huge amount of money so I don't want anything from it.

The issue is our finances are joint and we have a shared loan so that's going to cause some upset with him. I almost guarantee the first thing he'll say will be something like 'oh but what about the loan! Who's going to pay it?!'

Don't stay in a boring relationship where you do everything just because you don't know how to break up!

You should have broken up long ago.

All you have to do is say "This relationship isn't working for me. It is over I'm sorry. I am going to stay at SomeFriend's for a couple of days while we both come to terms with the idea then we can talk about what to do with the house."

Don't say he's boring. Don't moan about the housework. Or lack of spending. Stick with "nothing specific, I just don't see a future with you." And good old "it's me not you" Basically things he can't argue with.

Then get it finished asap. Ideally he'd buy you out of the property and you'd go off and get your own place. If you have to sell then obviously it will take longer.

What was the loan for?

Start separating your finances as much as possible now.

Money is unemotional and can be paid off. Some people battle for their share of something back in a relationship but the happiness of being free is worth more.

The fact that he cooks stuff you don't even like is mind boggling. I'm horrified on the very rare occasion I cook something somebody isn't fond of (not an amazing cook but I know my audence). It says a lot

Yuck - even more passive-aggressive with each post - it's like he is trying to punish you by feeding you food your don't like - and then telling you off like a toddler - bit creepy / controlling.

Speak to www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ about the joint loan - they will have ideas about the best way to separate it and the mortgage.

Do this first so that you are all prepared before speaking to him.

Also look at where you might live/move to etc.

Sounds like quite an exciting little project to be getting on with behind his back - plotting your escape from him suffocating dull little life. Quite excited for you to make the leap!

I was in a similar relationship from aged 17-23. He was very career and money driven (3 years older than me), Outwardly people thought we had a fab life, we never argued, we bought a flat when I was 21, but I was so bored with him! I hadn’t had another boyfriend so didn’t know what a real love could be like. All I know is that I used to look at other couples and wish we were like them. One day I just knew there must be more.

I finished it, and met the love of my life a year later. we’ve now been married 29 years, which has been much richer and fuller than I’d ever have had with the other man.

There’s much more for you out there, please don’t settle for this man.

@CottonTailRabbit I like that idea I just honestly don't think that would wash with him at all. But then again I have no idea how he'd react so I guess it's just something I'll find out.

I'm not in a position to leave immediately even though I know I should have left when I first had doubts because he seemed more interested in money than anything else.
The thing is he has been financially generous with me over the years and has helped me (with lots of begging and even once I had to write a letter to tell him how I felt it was horrendous because he wouldn't listen) but in the last couple of years he's just gotten so tight.

However, the loan is for debt that to be fair, was mostly mine. We decided that it would make more sense to condense the debt into one loan, both pay it to even out the finances and get a joint account. I am MORE than happy to get a loan for the same amount and take the debt back. He can keep everything else so if anything he's making money.
Like you said @showmeshowyu the freedom is worth so much more to me than any money I could get.

I'd need to save a bit to be able to afford a deposit on a flat to rent but where I live property is reasonably cheap. I earn a good wage so I can afford to live on my own.

Yeah he's actually just cooked and it was something I'd particularly said I didn't want because I don't enjoy it all that much and I feel like as an adult, I can eat the things I enjoy the taste of (which is most things!). He said I'm like a child and got a huff on because I left it and then did the dishes. He then said I should stop being grumpy to which I replied 'I'm allowed to be grumpy'
It seems like a stupid thing but belittling my feelings is something he frequently does. I feel desensitised in a way because of it and it's funny but when he goes away for a weekend I'll put films on and cry and I'll laugh and I'll see my sister and just enjoy being there without psycho analysing everything and hating the children like he does.

I'm sorry for all the long posts but I honestly just feel so good writing this all down. It's amazing.

He sounds awful. I couldn't live like that. If it helps, I was older than you are now when I met DH and on paper we're an odd couple, but we have the same aims in life, we have a laugh and yes, the sex is great (now at least, it took a bit of work but then just got better and better).

Seriously, if you're feeling like this now, imagine how you'll feel in 10 years time, particularly if you've had kids together and you're feeling trapped.

Admitting it to yourself, reading it back and realizing you're not neurotic is part of the healing. There's a low-key and probably unintentional abuse of your mental health going on here. Whatever his problem is, you're not the one to have to solve it.

when he goes away for a weekend I'll put films on and cry and I'll laugh and I'll see my sister and just enjoy being there without psycho analysing everything and hating the children like he does.

I could cry.

He sounds bitter, petty, emotionally constipated and controlling.

An emotional vampire - sucking the life, soul and joy out of your life.

@another20 that exactly. He does suck the fun out of things. Here's how a conversation might go:
Me: 'I'd love to go travelling'
Him: 'yeah but we don't have any money'
Me: I'm sure we could save for it
Him: there's always something you want though, you change your mind all the time
Me: well maybe that's because they're things I want that I never do
Him: well sometimes you have to wait and save up for things
Me: I know that I wasn't suggesting we go immediately I thought maybe we could go next year.
Him: oh yeah. Maybe.

End of conversation. Literally never happens or is discussed again and if I raise it he'll say he doesn't want to talk about it.

He also does this thing where he makes out I have the worst memory and I remember everything wrong. We could be having a disagreement and he'll say I've got it wrong or it could just be general chit chat and he'll argue about my memory and not let it drop until he can feel he's proven himself right. He is literally never wrong (well he thinks so anyway). This is to the point where I actually feel I have a bad memory and I don't think that's true because I have a job that requires a pretty good memory...