Long term relationship advice

[lostgirl28]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to mumsnet and I guess feeling like a bit of a fraud because I don't actually have kids so apologies if that's an issue for anyone, I just figured there's lots of supportive women on here with good advice (regularly come here for help with stuff)!

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years nearly. I'm 28, he's 27. We met at uni, moved in together about 3 years ago and just bought a house at the beginning of this year.

On paper, (and in really life too I guess), he's a top bloke, he's not abusive, he's quite supportive, he's kind and caring and handsome.

The problem is, I find him so bloody boring. He's very career driven, and while I appreciate him having a job and earning decent money, it's literally his life and it doesn't align with how I feel about work. I have a good job and work hard but when I come home it's done and I do the stuff I'm passionate about.

He does all this stuff for work but then when he comes home all he does is moan about how tired he is and can't wait to go to bed at 10:00pm. He falls asleep every Friday night, he's tired every weekend.

He does the cooking every night which I'm very grateful for, I truly am. But he monopolises the whole situation and has to take control. He can't take any criticism about a meal if I don't like it (which is rare because I like most of his stuff) and thinks he's Gordon Ramsay and to top it all off he can't do the dishes at the same time so the kitchen is a tip every night.

He never cleans, he never feeds the rabbit, he'll never do the washing or drying or just generally think that other stuff might need doing around the house. I know I'm lucky he cooks but honestly it irks me so much the amount of thinking I have to do about keeping on top of things while he does none of it. It's making me feel like he's lazy and that makes me find him so unattractive.

I've talked to him about it, he thinks he does plenty around the house and thinks I have a superiority complex😒

He talks about money all. The. Time. He's obsessed with saving for his retirement and I know it's sensible but come on! Were not even thirty yet and do f**k all every weekend yet he's got thousands saved for being old. On top of the massive pension he's gathering because of his job.

Oh, and we never have sex. We are both physically fit people, exercise a lot and keep in shape, but sex just isn't a thing for us and hasn't been for about three years. Since we've moved into this house (February this year) we've had six about 5 times. I've tried initiating it but that never works. When he intiates I usually go with it but it lasts all of about ten seconds and I get nothing out of it which makes me never want to f**k him again. And the sex is boring. We've been having sex the exact same way for god knows how long and I'm tired of it. I still want it, I imagine shagging other people and being thrown about and the sheer passion of it all and then feel sad I don't have that.

I feel stifled by his restrictive nature, and his sensibility. He says I'm a dreamer and always want to be chasing some dream or another and that he keeps me seeing sense but I feel like what he actually does is hold me back from being who I want to be and just makes me save money. Don't get me wrong, he's brought a lot of great things into my life and I'm now financially stable because of him and I've got some good takeaways from being with him in terms of money management, but I want fire and ice and passion and he has none of it.

I feel bad because as I said, he's actually a really good person and I wonder if this is the dreamer in me chasing something else, 'grass is greener' and all of that, but I feel like as I've gotten older I've grown and changed and want something different.

I guess I just wanted some advice and thoughts from people, anyone really. I've got no one to talk to about it because all my friends are his and obviously they all think he's a great guy.

Any advice would be much appreciated, so sorry for the length of this post!! 🙏🏽

I realise now the list is endless.

I'm so sorry everyone but I've never spoken about how I feel about this and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. It's so cathartic to talk about this and have my feelings acknowledged.

I like that idea I just honestly don't think that would wash with him at all.

You what now? Oh lostgirl you really are lost aren't you.

The suggested break up words I wrote are things you repeat like a broken record no matter what he says, no matter how he objects.

Like a politician answering a totally different question "How do you explain your mishandling of the cat-gate situation, minister?" "Jeremy, I am very clear that I no longer wish to eat mars bars."

Nothing has to wash with him. You state what's happening and then you make it happen. He doesn't have to agree with you. He can object 100% with your dumping choice. He can put together the best argument about why you are best staying with him. He can harangue you. He can say you are the world's biggest meanie. You can choose to ignore it. "I hear what you are saying. It makes no difference. I am leaving you. I am not going to discuss this any further. I am going to bed now."

He also does this thing where he makes out I have the worst memory and I remember everything wrong. We could be having a disagreement and he'll say I've got it wrong

This is called gas-lighting and is another of his (quietly) abusive traits.

I've been married for almost 26 years and I couldn't ever live with a man that long who was so one dimensional. He doesn't have all the same interests as me or vice versus but you gotta be able to fill the silence. As far as sex that's awfully young to have a low sex drive-we are mud 40s and have it far more often than that! Good luck.

Don't let him screw you over financially. You get your fair share. When you have been away for a few weeks you will realise how bad the relationship was and will kick yourself for letting him steal both your money and your years.

Any of these behaviours ring a bell?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

when he goes away for a weekend I'll put films on and cry and I'll laugh and I'll see my sister and just enjoy being there without psycho analysing everything and hating the children like he does.

He’s stopping you enjoy your life, but you are letting him. It doesn’t need to be like this.

Also this is exactly how I realised I had to split. I actually couldn’t wait for him to go away and used to count down the days. I felt happier when he wasn’t there. That is not normal in a loving relationship.

Petal, your sex life is non-existent! You’re 28! That would be enough reason to end it.

But you have given many others.

Honestly, leave him. You’ll be much happier.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn't really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

@another20 the stuff about 'mr right' is a lot like him but I would never say he's abusive. I think he's just a know it all, especially when it comes to finances and cooking 😂 I do have trouble with decision making now which I never used to. I was always quite impulsive and I loved that about me but that's been wiped out with all the finance talks I've had over the years. I now think about every purchase a thousand times before I actually make it and often just don't get it/do it 😒

@DragonFire99 I know, it makes me so sad admitting that I don't get laid anymore but then I think well is not having sex a good enough reason to end a relationship?
I feel like I'm second guessing everything and struggling to know what's right.

He's currently in bed and I decided to stay up for the first time ever but I feel guilty because I know he'll just be laid awake until I go up there.
I don't know whether I've created these feelings or if he has made me feel this way, or if they're a product of just being together so long and something weird that's developed over time.

Any reason is good enough to end a relationship. You don't owe anybody some kind of debt that requires you stay in a relationship. In this case though, it's a multitude of very good, reasons. I'd advise you to stop torturing yourself and prepare for the new, real life that awaits you.

Gas-lighting - anything here familiar:
www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-gaslighting-how-do-you-know-if-it-s-happening-ncna890866

You don't have to live like this - you're financially independent, no kids to complicate the decision, what are you waiting for?

I thought it sounded like you had outgrown the relationship and both developed different priorities in life, but reading your subsequent posts... He sounds dreadful.

If one of your good friends was in this position, what would you advise them?

I think you know what you need to do op.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s fact sheet, the techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:

Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)

I really don't like how every relationship thread someone ends up trying to paint the guy as an abuser. I think it sells women short. Some men are abusers and some are nice guys who aren't right for you. Either is a good enough reason to end the relationship. It is perfectly possible for him to be a decent guy with his own priorities about money AND be the wrong guy for the OP.

I think a lot of women stick in poor relationships because they don't meet the criteria for "abusive". It doesn't need to meet any criteria. He is driving you crazy, you don't have the same priorities, you no longer have sex, and tbh it sounds like you are irritating the hell out of him too. Just end it and move on. Someday he will meet a woman who adores him and you will meet a man you really click with.

.

I don't know if he's abusive, but he certainly doesn't seem to be doing anything to make your life better than if you were single, apart from financial stability.

As previously mentioned, financial stability is not the most important thing in your life - even to yourself. Add onto that:

• Crap sex
• Multiple shitty little arguments that leave you upset and angry
• Guilt over anything you do that he doesn't fully endorse
• Being forced to eat dinners you don't like (FGS you're 28 and you have the right to choose what you eat. If he cooks shit then simply say "I've told you multiple times before I don't like this, I'm off to Dominoes" or similar)
• Having him suck the joy out of your every positive moment
• His shitty relationship with everyone else
• Him disabling your dreams. If it wasn't for him, you may well be in another part of the world right now, doing something amazing.

And as you say, the list goes on. And on. And on.

I do roll my eyes a lot at the amount of LTB (Leave the bastard) that gets thrown around on here, but honestly you might have been right for each other at Uni, but you're certainly not right for each other now. Get out and live your own life.

I mean, how does it sound to have a little flat or something all to yourself, where regardless of what day or time it is, you can eat whatever you want and not have to worry about someone getting arsey over it? How good is that going to feel? Never mind finding someone who's decent in bed and all the rest of it.

why do you both have a loan if he's also squirreling money away in savings for retirement? that's pretty daft.

He sounds controlling and relentlessly tedious. You know what you need to do OP, so hoik up those big girl pants and get on with it. See you on the other side, where you have a life waiting for you to begin.

You never stay up late pottering about after he's gone to bed?

How about you start finding yourself again and stop being such an obedient child? How about you cook tomorrow night. Don't ask. Just do it. Say you wanted to (this is a good enough reason).

And how can you have needed a loan if you have lived together for years and you don't do anything or go anywhere and he managed to build up savings?

I don't think he is abusive. @pallisers you are right, he just isn't the right person for me in the long run.
I just have to figure out the best way to get out of this - it's not easy for me. I've never lived on my own before and yes @sethis the thought of my own place sounds amazing but I think in some ways I would miss the company I get from him, it would feel very different.

It's also a huge change financially. @CottonTailRabbit we have a loan because his savings aren't to be spent, we used the loan money to pay off debts that I had gathered during uni and to do up the house.
I am finding myself again, which is why I'm realising this relationship isn't for me. I'm discovering who I might actually be as a person and things I enjoy and people I like (I took up a hobby a while ago and it's opened up so many things for me).

You find him boring
you never have sex
you find him controlling
he never does his share of the housework

Any of the above are valid reasons to end things. Even 'I'm not happy now. What am I getting out of this?' is a valid reason. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

I think you'll be vastly happier away from him.

He also slags off your sister and her son by suggesting they have counselling. To me as well that is a red flag.

The man really is the human equivalent of beige; he is both boring and passive aggressive. Please for the love of all that is good here get this man out of your life permanently.

I would also suggest you now consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and have a look at the website called Baggage Reclaim.

@DragonFire99 you're so right. I'd never really thought that actually if I'm just not happy then that's an okay reason to leave too, there doesn't always have to be a huge issue.

My plan is to just plod along for a couple of months while I save up enough to move into a flat. I don't want to cripple myself financially so I need to be smart about it. Ideally I'd tell him now but that would mean staying in the house until I can move and I don't think I could manage that, plus I think he'd think I was just having a bad day and not take it seriously.

How have other people done it when they leave? How have you found the initial period after when the realisation hits you and all the inevitable doubts come creeping in?

Why don't you make a list? Write things down. On one piece of paper: the good things about your relationship. On another, the bad things. Add how he makes you feel.

How mnay of the things on the 'good' list are there just because they're part of being in a relationship (e.g. companionship, more money?) and how many are specifically to do with your current partner (e.g. I like his sense of humour, I love his thoughtfulness)?

Where do you see yourself in five years? What would you like to be doing? living? Feeling?

You could start with:
I feel stifled by his restrictive nature, and his sensibility.
I feel that he holds me back from being who I want to be and just makes me save money.
I want fire and ice and passion and he has none of it.
He makes out I have the worst memory and I remember everything wrong.
He can never apologise
He's made me feel I have a bad memory and I don't think that's true because I have a job that requires a pretty good memory...
I used to be impulsive. Now I have problems making decisions
I have less confidence than I used to

This might help to focus your mind if you waver...

@DragonFire99 that's really good advice thank you 😊
I think I will definitely make a list, I'll have to wait until he's away at the weekend otherwise he's always in my business asking me what I'm doing but I'll definitely do that.
I suspect it will have a lot of things on that are just general relationship things rather than actual things I like about him which is quite sad really and makes me feel sad for him cos I did used to think he had so many wonderful qualities and I feel bad I don't appreciate them anymore 😔