My Ex and our weirdly confusing relationship

[ConcernedDaddy1]

Hi All!

Hoping to get some advice and maybe another persons view on this really!

So my ex and I were together for 4 years. We have two children together and split up recently. I obviously still have a lot of contact with her due to the children however there are a few things that are really messing with my head!

She has said some things to me in the past about how we split and that if we could get through this we could get through anything, we started to get close again and things were on track I believed. I made some mistakes in our relationship and have made sure I have proven to her that I’m a changed man and that my family are my one and only priority in life ( I never ever cheated btw!)

However recently there is a new man on the scene. Now they have a very honeymoon/fairytale type relationship in terms of spending loads of time on the phone messaging each other, tagging each other in funny Facebook posts that kind of thing. Meeting up in a social environment where drink is involved. The kind of thing you do as a young single person

Err. are you saying she shouldn't go out, if the demon drink is involved? You realise how controlling/misogynist that sounds?

Unless she actually said, “I want to get back together with you” consider yourself a single man. She has moved on.

When you say you started getting close and things were on track, do you mean you got back together or what? It sounds to me like maybe you just misunderstood what she was saying if she started seeing someone else?

Continued.....

However we are still very much in each other’s lives and not just for the children’s sake either. We speak every day not just instigated by me. When I’m not there she’ll ring me constantly when I do go and see the children (I do it at her house) she tells me to stay over, when we are together she falls in to talking about us in a couple sense and not as two single people. This all happens and then suddenly she changes and says oh we aren’t together, oh you’re only here for the kids sake, other people don’t split and spend this much time together. Bare in mind when I stay it’s because she suggests it!

It feels as though she is finding this fun, new, exciting ‘relationship’ to fill a gap and remove herself from family life but still have me around for the family, love, care side of things. It’s reallt confusing me. Obviously I would love to have her back. I love her unconditionally but I get a lot of mixed messages.

Do you think she is doing all this to have a bit of fun and excitement because she feels she missed out on it but also knows I’m there as the safe, fall back guy? Do you think she still has feelings for me and knows deep down we are the right fit for each other but is not wanting to admit for fear it might go wrong again?

I’m one very confused man!

No, i wasn’t saying drink is involved it’s bad. I’m saying that’s the kind of environment. Everything is very socially based like it would be when you were young and going out clubbing every weekend.

hhhmmm sounds like she's stringing you along tbh. For your own mental well being I would pull back on that extra contact with her and keep it about your child

See that’s partly my thinking that i offer the safe fall back option? That I’m the one there when things go wrong. I don’t just care for the children when I’m there I will constantly help her as well. It feels as though our ‘relationship’ is like real life.. dirty nappies, no sleep, eating cold food and this new relationship is the fairytale/no responsibility fun thing

You might be right. If she is using the other dude for excitement and you for stability the solution will be for you to pull right back and unbalance that dynamic. You say no I'm not staying. You are polite and kind but distant. You talk about the kids only. But you have to mean it, not fake it.

or, she has moved on in which case you pull back.

So you know what to do.

Yeah also, If I were you I'd start seeing the kids away from her home

So you’re not together but want to be?

Have you directly asked her to get back together with you? If not, do that!

If - as seems likely - she says no, continue to co parent, pay maintenance etc but and be considerate of her (eg flexibility about extra contact to help her out) but withdraw your friendship. Have more appropriate “boundaries”, eg contact mainly about matters involving the DC and practicalities, no chit chat calls and texts.

I want her back of course I do. I just don’t know if she feels the same but knows I’m not going anywhere so knows I’m there to fall back on if that makes sense?

It’s all very odd... for someone who is talking to someone else to keep me in her life, ask me stay, ask me to go out with her and the kids etc whilst having this kind of teenagers relationship with a new man, like I say when I’m there we almost act as a couple.. they way she talks etc but then sometimes she’ll flip that completely. Almost as if she’s angry at herself for realising we are good together and that I’m there for her so she pushes.

She’ll sometimes say stuff like oh we’ll just talk for the kids then an hour later my phones ringing off the hook and she’s talking about everything... what she’s doing, where she’s been today that kind of thing.

She wants you both. You're her best friend/security blanket/fellow parent, he's her sex and rock n roll.

Not a good situation for you! I would be arranging contact separately from her house and not having time for the chats etc.

If you're not sleeping together and kissing, she really is just getting along with you for the sake of the children and you've got a massive dose of wishful thinking

If your doing the kissing and sleeping together thing then yeah she's leading you on big time

So if that is the case does anyone see a situation in which I could win my family back?

If she wanted you back she wouldn't be dating someone else. You need to move on (and stop being at her beck & call), if she sees you getting on with your life there is a slight chance she may realise she doesn't want to lose you, but it sounds like she likes having to pandering to her but doesn't actually want a relationship with you.

There are better people out there, go and find yourself one.

I may be wrong here but I genuinely believe it’s a rebound thing, it just strikes me as that.

Are you still having a physical relationship with her? It's really hard to tell what's likely to be going on without knowing that

I'm not surprised you're confused!!!

It sounds like she's enjoying the drama of a new fling, with not being able to let you go entirely, which is not fair on you.

Can I ask what caused the split in the first place? Who initiated it?

It sounds like she is there for the taking. If you want her and your family back then you need to tell her. Why are you pussy footing around? It sounds like you are trying to second guess things but you need to take action. Sit her down, say you are a changed man, you want them all back, you're going to support them. Ask her if there is anything you need to do before she agrees to make another go of it.

If you do start again you need to be clear that this relationship with this other guy needs to end. If he is hanging around in the background she is going to be confused and distracted.

Final step - get married ffs.

See this is the other thing...

She knows I want them back, she knows I love them all unconditionally. I make that pretty clear in my actions and that when I’m there ‘to see the kids only’ I’m constantly helping her, making sure she can sit down and relax that kind of thing.

But...... before this new man on the scene she was open to that and didn’t really say anything to say oh no we aren’t.

Now this new man is offering her the thrill of a new ‘relationship’ she’s cooled off on that front but still wants me around. I’m not the only one who says this new fling won’t last.. her parents, her brother they all say the same. Not purely down this mans reputation but also because of the way she is acting now he’s around if that makes sense? I could go in to more detail with how the kids are not being put first but I’m not interested in a tit for tat kind of thing with her.

I can only describe it as a teenager who starts talking to someone and they are their only focus in life and it’s fun and games and laughs but when the real life s**t begins it all goes wrong

And yes do you know what id propose to her tomorrow if I was confident she wouldn’t laugh in my face and kick me on the way back up! Haha

Why are you posting about this again? Did you not like the answers you got last time?

The "mistakes" you made - didn't you smash the house up, wasn't it something like that?

You've been told before, move on, leave this woman alone. The eldest isn't your child. If you think your baby DD is being neglected, get custody of her, ffs.

Stop mooning over a woman who doesn't want you and get real. It's the children in this situation that are the important ones, not you and your feckless ex.

Making things "pretty clear in actions" isn't the same as sitting down and telling her. You have to man the fuck up and tell her you are on a mission to get her back. If she then says she isn't interested you need to reduce contact to kids only and stop being her backup plan.

‘Oiiiiii’

Great username by the way, very original.

Thank you so much for your input but it seems as though you may be slightly confused.

This is a relationship forum, I am asking a question about a previous relationship. Previously I was asking questions about my children because of the situation however now as you can see I have questions regarding an adult relationship. Maybe you struggle to read I don’t know but let me break it down for you.

• No I did not smash the house up so I’m unsure as to where you have got that from
• This is not about the situation with the children it is about working out or trying to work out what is going on with my ex
• I’m not sure at which point in my post I mentioned my children, the eldest child or that situation at all?

You quite clearly have anger issues which you seem to want to take out on forum users who are purely looking for some friendly advice.

I’m sorry that you have been ‘offended’ by my post but maybe in future don’t click on the thread if you don’t like what’s involved in it.

Have a great evening!

As a side note to the above.

My children are my world, they know just how loved they are and they know that they are my priority. I apologise that I would also like to be back with my family whom I love unconditionally

Not that it’s any of your business