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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Ex and our weirdly confusing relationship

74 replies

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 14:36

Hi All!

Hoping to get some advice and maybe another persons view on this really!

So my ex and I were together for 4 years. We have two children together and split up recently. I obviously still have a lot of contact with her due to the children however there are a few things that are really messing with my head!

She has said some things to me in the past about how we split and that if we could get through this we could get through anything, we started to get close again and things were on track I believed. I made some mistakes in our relationship and have made sure I have proven to her that I’m a changed man and that my family are my one and only priority in life ( I never ever cheated btw!)

However recently there is a new man on the scene. Now they have a very honeymoon/fairytale type relationship in terms of spending loads of time on the phone messaging each other, tagging each other in funny Facebook posts that kind of thing. Meeting up in a social environment where drink is involved. The kind of thing you do as a young single person

OP posts:
GreenEggsHamandChips · 20/11/2018 16:30

You need to make the kids your main focus

springydaff · 20/11/2018 16:32

Oh god, she's completely using you.

Please, pull right back. Right back. You have to be brave and let her go. She's is treating you so very badly, don't let her! Have some self respect - she will respect you more.

I guarantee if you got some boundaries you'd become much more interesting to her. But why would you want someone who is prepared to treat you so very badly?

Think of the kids - you're teaching them that dad gets treated like shit. So bad for them and their future relationships.

PolkaDoting · 20/11/2018 18:10

Do you think she still has feelings for me and knows deep down we are the right fit for each other

No, not at all. It is clear as day she is stringing you along.

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 18:18

We all gave you the same advice when you posted before - move on. She doesn’t want to be with you or she would be!

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 18:21

And every time you post you aren’t putting your DC first you are putting this woman first - and ‘getting her back’. If you were putting DC first you would have done all the things we advised you but you cannot seem to do because you believe all the answers to all the problems lie in getting back together with someone who doesn’t want to be with you anymore

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 18:23

It also helps if you tell the whole story - you live in the house with her which is why you see her so often because social services say your DS cannot be alone with your DD?

Bernina · 20/11/2018 18:31

Move on and leave her alone.

AgentJohnson · 20/11/2018 18:53

You're asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why does she...'? It should be,'why am I exposing myself to this behaviour'?

You do get to decide on your role in the dynamic between you but you don't get an opinion on her new relationship, she's your Ex for a reason. If you don't want to be the fall back option, don't act like it. If she wanted to be with you she would but instead she's wth a new man.

Move on before whatever is going on blows up an affects your children. Your children have had to deal with their parents break up, don't put them through more uncertainty surrounding the relationship of their parents.

Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 19:15

Thanks for the recent replies.

Sorry just clarify. I don’t live in the house with her.

This post was not about that situation it was purely based on the situation between me and my ex.

My previous post about the children and the current situation were exactly that. Asking for advice on what steps to take in the situation with the children.

I think two posts are being mashed together here by a lot of you. This thread was created because the dynamic has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 19:18

I’m not exactly sure I like the ‘move on and leave her alone’ comments.

In no way am I pestering any one here. Like I said in my post (which people obviously haven’t read and have jumped to conclusions) I’m being kept in her life by her and not just solely to discuss the kids.

OP posts:
BundyLancroft · 20/11/2018 19:20

OP you aren't coming across very nicely in your defensive passive aggressive post to @oiiiii

It is entirely possible, that like I did when in split up with my ex, that she doesn't want to make you feel too excluded from the kids lives, feels a bit sorry for you, and if you offer to help with something then she just accepts that as a friendly offer to the parent of your joint children.

She is sleeping with a new man. It's clear you can't 'win her back' so grow a pair of balls, rescue your dignity and stop treating her like she 'belongs to you'. She has moved on. The sooner you do so, the better for you, her and most of all your kids.

And furthermore, if you work on yourself to improve the 'mistakes' you made, then you'll stand a chance of being a better partner to someone else in the future. Focus on being a good father for now. That's ultimately all that matters.

And stop judging your ex for her taste in men. Previously, she chose you, remember?

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 19:21

So you very recently moved out?

But those things are important - in fact this is exactly what I am talking about. What you posted before was so much more serious and DC really do seem at risk. You were advised by everyone to leave this woman, take your DD and make her safe. But you are back here almost manipulating the story to get the result you crave. You have a real problem with insight - your posts describe you loving someone (almost to an obsessional level) who doesn’t love you, just needs you. You also describe her she can’t control herself and only you can ‘save’ her from herself. You describe her in very deep analytical ways about why she is with the new guy, and that it’s not really real. Whilst you are trapped in this delusion the people who suffer most are the DC. You are an adult you can survive this rejection - and you need to start seeing it as a rejection, it is over

Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 19:30

Bundy - Thank you for your message. Apologies to ‘oii’ However I felt as though I was being attacked in that post and almost judged based on the fact that I’m a male asking for advice. It’s difficult to get across in this however no I do not feel like she belongs to me.. I’m not that type of man. And that is the crux of this post. She’s acts as though she has moved on (albeit to someone who she wouldn’t have looked at twice but again not my business) but she is keeping me in her life. Not just to be nice to me for the children’s sake. Yes the children are important but it’s not just for their benefit I can assure you that.

  • Pookiedo, thank you for this message. Yes I do believe that the choices she is making is wrong, yes I do believe the situation is not being handled correctly in terms of her actions etc. Yes I do feel as though she is prioritising this new man over the children. This post was almost meant as a separate issue to that. More about me trying to understand some of her behaviour towards me, not towards the children. I’m not manipulating anything. These issue were still present when I posted previously however I was looking for opinions based purely on her behaviour or thinking towards me because that is also causing confusion.
OP posts:
Diddlysquats · 20/11/2018 19:35

Ok Daddy, there's a lot of condescension going on here.
You think your wife is confused.
Yet your posts tell me that she is in love.
You need to move on.

BundyLancroft · 20/11/2018 19:44

OP, I don't think your ex is confused or stringing you along. It is perfectly normal and in fact desirable in my mind, for coparents to get on, cooperate and be friendly. She seems to have a mature and sensible attitude in that respect. You will always be a part of each other's lives because you have DC together. And if she has moved on romantically and enjoying her new man, and all the fun of a new relationship, then you judging her for that won't go down well. Forget about being with her, and just accept she has a new life. She is being friendly with you, and quite frankly that's a situation that many might envy.

I don't understand why you are confused. Her intentions are clear to me, having been in the same boat as her.

moredoll · 20/11/2018 19:50

You need to move on.
Just contact with your DC and talk only about them. If she starts to talk about anything else end the conversation.
You'll start to feel happier - eventually - if you accept the relationship's over and you can get on with the rest of your life. You still have feelings for her and if it's obvious here it's obvious to her. But she's started to see someone else so she's not interested in having a relationship with you. Even if this new, unsuitable, man doesn't work out I don't think your relationship would work.

Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:03

There is a lot of condescension going on here but certainly not on my part. If anything it feels as that it is being aimed at me.

As I keep trying to reiterate which is obviously quite difficult to get across in this form is that yes she may well be talking to a new man, yes she may be enjoying the flings of a blossoming relationship but her actions to me are not of someone who wants me completely out of her life.

Yes we must get on for the sake of the children and yes she is being nice HOWEVER it is not just purely her being nice to be because we have children together! There is being civil and polite with your ex partner but this is more than that.

The real reason for this post was to try and understand if and for all those out there yes I said IF she is using me and my nature of wanting to help her all the time OR that she is happy to enjoy the ‘fun’ but knows it won’t last so is keeping me around for when it doesn’t work out and good old reliable me is still sat waiting for her patiently.

OP posts:
Bernina · 20/11/2018 20:08

To answer your question, yes she is using you and your nature of wanting to help all the time.

bumbother · 20/11/2018 20:14

You're seeing what you want to see.

Just the other day you were saying how she was using her son as an excuse to meet with this man, staying out with him (and her son) til 3.30am, and that her son was calling him daddy.

If she's being nice to you all of a sudden, there's a selfish reason for it. Not love.

Get rid and concentrate on protecting your daughter.

Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:14

And do you know what... call me pathetic, call me a man without a backbone call me whatever you want but if that is the case I’d still take her back in a heartbeat! But I guess therein lies the issue!

OP posts:
oiiiiiii · 20/11/2018 20:16

yes she may well be talking to a new man, yes she may be enjoying the flings of a blossoming relationship but her actions to me are not of someone who wants me completely out of her life.

Come on op. Her actions include shagging another man. You aren't basing your opinion on her actions - you're basing it on how she talks to you:

"We speak every day not just instigated by me. When I’m not there she’ll ring me constantly when I do go and see the children (I do it at her house) she tells me to stay over, when we are together she falls in to talking about us in a couple sense and not as two single people."

She is fucking another man. That's the action to pay attention to. She's stringing you along because it feels good to be adored and wanted.

This isn't brain surgery. I feel slightly embarrassed for you that you are interpreting it in any other way than the bleedin obvious. She will be sniggering to herself about that as well, consciously or unconsciously.

Please get real, and get focused on the children on this situation. You should have listened to the last thread instead of trying to rejig your alleged "dilemma" in hopes of getting different answers this time.

Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:16

@bumbother - that’s the thing... am I also being nieve because I love her. Is there something deeper that I’m not factoring in? Am I just plain over thinking? ( just so everyone knows I do suffer anxiety so overthinking is in my nature!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:17

@oii

I can assure you that I’m not rejigging any questions for a different outcome. I just felt a separate thread was needed

OP posts:
Original poster
ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:18

Maybe I’m wrong but I think things will go wrong... and I think I’ll be the one she comes to.

I would love nothing more than to show her I don’t care but I don’t think that’ll help

OP posts:
oiiiiiii · 20/11/2018 20:21

am I also being nieve because I love her. Is there something deeper that I’m not factoring in?

Yes.
She's shagging someone else.
And telling you she's not in a relationship with you.

Those are the things you should be factoring in