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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Ex and our weirdly confusing relationship

74 replies

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 14:36

Hi All!

Hoping to get some advice and maybe another persons view on this really!

So my ex and I were together for 4 years. We have two children together and split up recently. I obviously still have a lot of contact with her due to the children however there are a few things that are really messing with my head!

She has said some things to me in the past about how we split and that if we could get through this we could get through anything, we started to get close again and things were on track I believed. I made some mistakes in our relationship and have made sure I have proven to her that I’m a changed man and that my family are my one and only priority in life ( I never ever cheated btw!)

However recently there is a new man on the scene. Now they have a very honeymoon/fairytale type relationship in terms of spending loads of time on the phone messaging each other, tagging each other in funny Facebook posts that kind of thing. Meeting up in a social environment where drink is involved. The kind of thing you do as a young single person

OP posts:

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 20/11/2018 20:22

OK OP, what do you want everyone to say? Seems to be that you’ve been given the plain truth by several posters but you want to keep going and going until you hear something else.

FWIW I was in a similar situation with my ex. Net result is that if she wanted to get with you she would be, shit as it is to accept.

bumbother · 20/11/2018 20:27

I don't mean this unkindly, but you need to get some self respect, increase your standards and concentrate on your daughter. I'm surprised to hear you've moved out, considering the concerns in your last thread.

You're putting your love for this woman above ALL else, when you were telling us this new man is "the centre of her universe". Leave her to it, save for contact specifically about your daughter. If she really misses you, she'll make a choice. Frankly, I wouldn't want picked by her.

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:42

I’m not really after a specific answer. I’m purely answering the questions being put to me by some posters who seem to me to be on a bit of a witch hunt. I was simply trying to explain the situation a bit better which I still feel I haven’t. That’s why I keep trying to explain the situation better.

@bumbother - I’m more than aware I have no self respect and I’m effectively being used as a ‘bitch’ but you’re right my love for her is blinding me to this and maybe I don’t really want to accept it. Just to clarify during the other issues I was never living with her. I was staying with her because it was what was suggested best. She is living with her mother so I was never officially living there during that time. I had no right to ‘live’ there for any longer.

I think the mistake I’m making is that I’m reading in to this and her actions, it’s just her behaviour is making me over think

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:42

The amount of people who say I’m better off without but I can’t see that. I don’t agree with that opinion but I can see why people would think that based on her behaviour

OP posts:

BundyLancroft · 20/11/2018 20:44

OP, even if it all falls apart with her new man, it doesn't mean she will want to revive her relationship with you. And why would you want to be second best anyway?

And you are right, if it happens, then telling her 'I told you so' will not help anything. Least of all the amicable coparenting relationship you should be focussing on now. Showing her you don't care is also pointless, because she already doesn't care.

Don't flog a dead horse. It is sad and will only lead to pain.

bumbother · 20/11/2018 20:52

Who suggested it was best that you were staying there for that month?

I spent my time staying with her at her mums house and we had police protection turn up and say that she must not be left on her own with him. I have been here for nearly a month.

Thats from your previous thread. I'm genuinely curious to know whats changed in respect if your daughters safety?

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:57

@bumbother - Police protection, child protection, safe guarding etc.

The reason I left is that a new social worker suggested that it was now fine for her to be on her own with both of them. I still have opinions on that. He is still a lot for one person to deal with even without having a 6 month old to care for. He has not officially but based on GP’s opinions been diagnosed as having autism. He is a handful however my ex partner believes she knows best and like many people will say.... I have no parental right over him therefore I don’t really have a say.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 20:58

@bumbother - Her safety is still a concern. Touch wood his aggressiveness has not shown it’s ugly head recently however he is unpredictable in nature and doesn’t really show signs of understanding situations

OP posts:

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 21:13

I think you also find it hard to read situations. It’s not a witch hunt. You just don’t want to hear what people are saying

bumbother · 20/11/2018 21:18

How new is this new SW? New since your last post? And if you still have opinions on the situation, then what, as your DD's only advocate, are you doing about them?

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 21:19

This is the thing - I can read situations but this is why this one is confusing me!

I think that’s a bit of an insult to be honest with you.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 21:22

@bumbother

Yes new since my original post.

I’m not entirely sure what I can do. I have spoken to advice lines regarding this and have been told a mixture of things to be honest. One told me that I don’t have parental Responsibility for our 6 year old so it’s my ex partners choice what she does and that even if a SW knew they might say well he’s under her care and doesn’t appear to be at risk so it’s fine. They also warned against it becoming a tit for tat situation in that I could voice my concerns but she could then take that as an opportunity to get her own back.

I have done some research in residency orders but they don’t fill me with a great deal of confidence as in they take in to account the child’s age and sex.. well a 6 month old baby girl will be looked at as needing to be with her mummy surely?

OP posts:

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 23:06

I think that’s a bit of an insult to be honest with you.

You are insulting your own intelligence and maturity with this relationship. You need to find your dignity - at the very least this is properly very unattractive to a woman to be clinging on so tightly to a tiny shred of hope

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 20/11/2018 23:15

@Pookiedo

Maybe you’re right in that fact. Maybe I am doing myself a disservice and to be honest I think that every day.

For the record I’m clinging on silently. These are all thoughts I am having and not sharing with her.

OP posts:

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 23:19

If you need help to process this then you need to take the first step into your own reality.

You split up. Due to you shouting at her child when he was having a meltdown.

She moved out

You coparented

She has said some things to me in the past about how we split and that if we could get through this we could get through anything, we started to get close again and things were on track I believed.

You need to see the word here that is important: you wrote it yourself IN THE PAST. Not now. It happened in the past

I made some mistakes in our relationship and have made sure I have proven to her that I’m a changed man and that my family are my one and only priority in life ( I never ever cheated btw!)

Whatever led to her deciding to end things is her choice. You can’t force her into giving you another chance just because you have NOW invested, perhaps it is too late now. And it was required in the PAST

This is important. This too is NOW. It’s not the past, and it changes what happened or was promised in the past. The past becomes forgotten. She is happy now - so that is what she is going to pursue. That is what people do when they move on

By all means continue to sit around - alone - while she is out with her new guy, hoping and waiting. None of us can stop you doing that (clearly). But the advice you will always get from people has an 80%+ possibility it will be exactly the same as it has been here. One day you will wake up and realise you have spent years of your life waiting for someone who moved on a long time ago. It is your life and you are wasting it on the wrong person

Orlandointhewilderness · 20/11/2018 23:24

I'm failing to see why you are posting this - you clearly don't want to be told what the vast majority of posts are telling you. I'm sorry, its crap and it hurts, but this woman does not want you.

PookieDo · 20/11/2018 23:28

You are doing yourself a huge disservice and she will be more than well aware of how you feel - but it clearly works to her advantage to continue to dangle you. You are always there when she needs. You are poised and ready to jump into save her whenever things go wrong. Those things do not equal a relationship. She’s having fun with him and no fun with you. You have ghosts of a broken relationship but are lucky enough to have the opportunity to build a good co parenting relationship. Which is what you should do. People don’t like it when they see you patronising this woman as if she been bewitched with some magical lobotomy potion by The Great Evil Social Club Man - it’s not any great mystery, she’s having fun and enjoying herself. She’s selfish and doesn’t give a shit how it makes you feel

mummyoftwounder2s · 20/11/2018 23:39

Maybe she wants to have a good relationship with you for the children's sake, when you have been with someone for a long time it's easy to fall back into a pattern of behaviour around them. Maybe she wants you to do things as a family with the children, days out etc.. but not be in a relationship with you.

eggncress · 20/11/2018 23:45

Are you having any kind of physical relationship with her? Snogging/ sleeping together/ hand holding?

eggncress · 20/11/2018 23:48

Have you actually asked her, face to face if she wants to get back together?

Is do what was her response?

Original poster

ConcernedDaddy1 · 21/11/2018 00:00

@Pookiedo

I respect your advice and opinion and know deep down that you’re right.

The reason we have no fun is not for want of trying. We do have laughs but 90% of the time we are trying to deal with our sons episodes. There again cements your point though I guess.

I would just like to say I’m in no way patronising her. That’s not in my nature. I am concerned because she has changed so drastically but perhaps it comes across the way you see it. I know that the excitement fun factor is there for this new man but that does go back to my original post of us having the real life and her having the fairytale one with him. Perhaps I’m enabling that by being around and at her beck and call?

OP posts:

MadGentleman · 21/11/2018 00:26

OP, please look up Chump Lady and her theory of Cake. In fact, have a link: www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Now, admittedly, in your case it sounds like your Ex left before starting with this other guy, so she's not cheating however the point remains the same. Because, funnily enough, most people think people who cheat want one or the other and are trying to make up their minds. They don't. They want both. They want Cake.

She doesn't want one or the other of you. She wants both. She wants Cake.

Please stop doing the "pick me dance". I know it's tempting. I know its hard. But, I promise you, from experience, all you end up is exhaustion and diminished self-respect. She won't choose you when she can have both.

Diddlysquats · 21/11/2018 05:38

MadGentleman. She won't choose him because she doesn't want him!

Spiderdemon · 21/11/2018 07:18

Perhaps I’m enabling that by being around and at her beck and call?

Yes! You are. That's what I implied on the first post in this thread. If you want her back literally the only way to do it is to pull right back, establish boundaries and GENUINELY NOT CARE if she comes back to you or not. You are telling yourself this rueful romantic crap about "I would take her back in a heartbeat, she knows I will be there for her". This crazy Sir Lancelot chivalrous weird shit is the reason why she won't come back to you. There is nothing in it for her. She's got everything she wants from you already.

By lucky chance, pulling back is also what you have to do if she has moved on.

So, you have only one course of action you can take.

Also you seem surprised that people are bringing up the situation with your kids and asking how you are safeguarding the little DD.

That's because for you to be banging on about your hopeless, pure love for your ex while your DD and (ex?-)DSS are in this challenging situation seems like that meme of the dog saying "This is fine" when the house is on fire.

The thread I'd have posted in your shoes would have been "Fuck! How do i check on my DD's safety when I've been made to leave my ex's mother's house?"

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