Mediocre marriage

[oakpinebeech]

anyone else?
married for three years with a child. Recently I've felt my marriage is mediocre. he's lovely but I just don't feel that passionate spark. We haven't had sex for four months. I can't see this going on forever

anyone?

Hi are you looking for compassion and similar experiences or advice on staying or leaving?

Anyway look for threads about marriages that are "not great but not bad enough."

I don't know what I'm looking for. is it normal? can this last?

I think married people often feel like this. Was their spark in the beginning? Marriage takes work, it’s not easy living with the same person day in day out. Especially when you become parents.

Do you get to go out on dates? Spend time together away from your child? Do you have time to do separate hobbies too? What attracted you to him in the first place?

*there

There was a spark and we were mates for years before getting together. We don't get much time together. I think it's me I'm a flighty character I can't stick at anything I'm.always thinking what's round the corner. I'm like this with friends and jobs aswell

It depends on what you mean by mediocre.

Day in, day out, yes, it's not lacy knickers flying through the air nightly, or mad spontaneous trips to Thailand or something. We discuss bills, we eat dinner, we watch telly, we are tired.

But we go out for meals and day trips together, we snog even if we're not going to have sex, we have a laugh together, we share our dreams and our visions for the future and stories about our pasts. We say nice things about each other and do nice things for each other. We make time for each other and our relationship.

I think our relationship gets better month by month and for me, that's the key. That we get closer, not further apart. Some days and some weeks, of course I think 'who is this oddball I married' but the good days outnumber the bad or even the dull.

I'm a cold fish and find intimacy difficult so we do have issues I guess.

What would it take for you the feel the marriage improves from mediocre to great or wherever you feel it should be.

Why have you not had sex for 4 months? Not saying you have to but the reasons could help you work things out.

3 years isn't a long time at all, I'd be worried if I were you. Maybe tackling your intimacy issues will be a step in the right direction.

I think Hisaishi has got it spot on in her marriage.

I've been unwell and I'm too tired to have sex. it feels like an effort really. I am concerned as I don't think I can do another 50 years of this.

I just have issues

You being ill is unfortunate, but it's not the same as your marriage being dead in the water. Long term relationships all go through better times and worse times. The successful ones are the ones where people recognise the lower patches and do things to make them better.

Giving up on your marriage because, having been ill, you haven't had sex for a couple of months, is a bit of an over reaction.

its not that carpet. I feel trapped sometimes and I just don't want to be here

Well most marriages get boring, especially where children are involved. Marriage isn’t meant to be exciting. The point of marriage is stability and support.

Bit unfair of you to get married and have a kid with the guy then, isn't it?

In reply to you being a "flighty character" that is ^

Oh just grow up
For gods sake
This is why there are so many messed up kids in the world...because they're being raised by selfish childish gits.

What were you expecting ?:

I have been married for 33 years and very proud to say we still have a spark, even after bringing up 3 children, 1 particularly challenging 1. But having said that the spark isn't there 24/7 because everyday life does get in the way. By you have to put in effort if you want something back. It doesn't just happen by itself. I think the most important thing about being married is knowing you are on the same team and always have somebody on your side.

Counselling should help.
You need to get to the heart of your issues with 'fight or flight'. From what you say, you have a 'flight', response probably triggered by feelings of anxiety and fear of failure or of not being good enough. Many people have this and many of them self sabotage their relationships, their jobs, their very wellbeing and never really understand why.
Get some counselling.
Always wanting something else, constantly dissatisfied with what you do have and craving what you haven't is a recipe for a life that eventually, will spiral hopelessly out of control.

I've admitted I'm childish and flighty. He knew that when we married. I'm finding the mundanity of it all wearing. I actually was told I wasn't likely to be able to conceive so when I did it was like hitting the jackpot so no I won't apologise for my child

Thanks you pallasathena. That's how I feel. I was never the pretty one or the funny one I was the weird one. The one who was the but of the jokes. The one who tried to hard and was the periphery friend. I still am them things but they've held me back

Lots of people feel like that. Some of them have an affair or go off with someone else and end up leaving again!

Stay put unless he's abusive. You have a young child and things may get better between you.

I don't want an affair. that would be horrible. I like male attention but I wouldn't want to bother with anyone else