Mediocre marriage

[oakpinebeech]

anyone else?
married for three years with a child. Recently I've felt my marriage is mediocre. he's lovely but I just don't feel that passionate spark. We haven't had sex for four months. I can't see this going on forever

What can you do that would make things better for you?
What do you like doing?
What could improve things between you and dh?

You sound depressed OP.

I am depressed that's my personality unfortunately. I don't know what we could do every time we do something I get pissed off. if we have to be somewhere for 10 he's still in the shower so were always late. I end up with a face on because he's so indicisive and slow so it's ruined

Have you ever been happy in the marriage? If you feel like this after 3 years I cant see it working long term to be honest.

You say you have issues, don’t we all!

The biggest issue of all is not being able to be arsed or care enough to work on them.

I was happy for the first few months then I thought I'd made a mistake. I've had moments of happiness obviously but not consistently

I'm thinking you did make a mistake. I feel sorry for him to be honest.

See, I have an issue with the "spark" thing and think it leads to a lot of good marriages ending.
Yes, when you first meet someone it's great if you feel a "spark", but that word means different things to different people. I was seeing a guy for a couple of months recently and just as I was starting to feel a connection between us, he broke it off because he felt the "spark" had gone! It takes me a while to feel any kind of fireworks with someone as I need it to be about more than physical appearance and good sex.
Anyway, i think it's unrealistic to feel the same kind of spark you felt for someone when you first met, when you are married with kids. Hopefully though, that is replaced by trust, love, respect, knowing someone inside out, being a family. I'll take that over a few butterflies any day. My husband unfortunately gave all that up for a "spark" he felt with a woman 13 years younger than him at work. That spark will fade as they all do over time and one, if not both of them will probably always be going from one temporary high to the next.
Some people are so desperate to find that "spark" again that they will let all of that other stuff, the real stuff go and I find that so sad.

Fair enough user but my feelings are valid too

I hear you Sunshine, but the OP has been married 3 years and it sounds like she doesn't particularly like her husband let alone have any kind of spark.

I do like him he's an amazing person. Whether it'll last I'm doubtful

I think you do have to decide what you want long term. What I would say (and have done on numerous threads) is that a marriage without sex, and therefore intimacy is almost always doomed to failure in the long term. And the longer it goes on the more difficult to put right.

Look at why you are not having sex...is it bit of you or just you and please do something about it. You will be amazed how much better sex and intimacy can make things assuming that's what you want?

I know your feeling are valid. You just don't sound into him at all. You say you are depressed, are you on medication? Does your husband know you're having doubts?

I'm off medication as my gp thinks I'm psychologically dependent on them. I've applied for online counselling. DH knows this. I've always been a whiney bitch

I grew up in a house where I was never allowed to show feeling or have a bad day or be anything other than perfect

How do you think your DH feels about the marriage? Do you think he has similar feelings?

no I think he wants to here

and no matter what I do its never good enough. I'm an excellent friend but never picked for the big things ie bridesmaid. I'm just never good enough.

so how do i leave?

I'm exhausted with trying a this. I want out

I feel like you have a fairytale view of what marriage is. It’s not all sunshine and light, it can be hard and you have to work at it. You have to communicate, make and effort to prioritise sex. You don’t just bail as soon as it’s not lovely. Including mental health problems makes it’s harder but doesn’t mean it’s not possible to make it work.

It seems like you are down, and your GPs comments about dependency are stupid, if you need medication to be well then you need it. No one would tell a diabetic they could only take mediation for so long, you take it as long as you need it. Go back to your GP and say you need medication. Counselling would also be a great idea, perhaps you can talk about how to communicate better with your husband:

I don't have a fairytale view i don't love him

I don't want to be with him

Medicating me won't make me stay. I want out asap. I made a mistake

If you don't love him then whyou the hell did you have a child with him?