Mediocre marriage

[oakpinebeech]

anyone else?
married for three years with a child. Recently I've felt my marriage is mediocre. he's lovely but I just don't feel that passionate spark. We haven't had sex for four months. I can't see this going on forever

it was better then

You sound quite fatalistic. Are you sure you are okay?

?

From the sounds of it, the first thing to address is your mental health. You have to be well before you address anything else in your life. Can you ask to see a different GP? Is there a way you can get counselling? You didn't necessarily make a mistake but you feel trapped and hopeless right now, and that's what's worth addressing. After that you'll be able to reassess your relationship. Have you had any discussion with your partner about your feelings?

To quote one of my favourite books "Don't do what you can't undo, until you've considered what you can't do once you've done it"

In other words look at the consequences of the separation/divorce before you do it.

ie, you have to imagine yourself in a year's time. If you are divorced, where do you see yourself living? How will you split custody/residency of your child with your ex-Dh? How will Christmases work with your child?

What if he moves on and finds another wife and your child has a step-parent? What if you stay alone? What if you re-marry?

You have to consider all avenues before you take one. Having a child is like putting a bomb into a marriage. Lots of people survive, some have mental scars.

I have been married almost 20 years and I look forward to spending time with Dh. We have 2 sons and one of them was ill for the first year of his life. I knew I could depend on Dh because the foundation of our marriage is an incredible friendship.

Oak you say your DH is a lovely man. How aware is he of how you are feeling at the moment?

I would be wary of just walking away without trying to see if the relationship can be improved. You say it was better before you had a child. The early years are the hardest work and it is mundane and monotonous for many parents.

Maybe if you both made an effort to spend some child free time together you might have some fun and reconnect?

Your husband should be your biggest supporter.

It sounds like you haven't given him the chance to fulfil that role yet. For whatever reason you haven't opened up to him. Maybe you don't have the words to explain how you're feeling. Try anyway. Maybe you're afraid he will reject you. Reach out to him anyway.

It's scary to do things differently but that is your only option now, to claim the bright future that is yours.

OP, not to be rude, but you sound very depressed.

I'm an excellent friend but never picked for the big things ie bridesmaid. I'm just never good enough

Well you’re just about to push away the one person who did think you were good enough and wanted you for life.

Everything you’ve talked about is something lacking in you, your issues as you’ve described it.

You’ve shown a pattern of not being able to commit to anything for anything long than the medium term in all areas of your life and your marriage has now come to the point too.

Personally I hope you try to recognise this for what it is and stop running and try to challenge your behaviour head on. I fear though that you won’t because this is your coping strategy and staying would mean changing and I don’t get the feeling you want to and this pattern will continue for the rest of your life

I've made my bed. I'll have to lie in it

Being a martyr is never going to make you or anyone else happy.

C'mon OP, you need a rocket up your arse!! Leave your marriage and let your husband find someone who truly loves him, you're being unfair and selfish.

Why are you punishing yourself by either self sabotaging or never risking longer term commitment?

You don’t need to answer, just figure out your self destructive behaviour for yourself and get help when you feel like you don’t have to feel shit or be a loner all your life.

I ask because I spot much of the same behaviours in you that I had. I’m a bit further down the road than you I think I’m understanding why and wanting to and then trying to change.

You're saying you don't love him yet you're going to stay - that's incredibly selfish and not fair on your husband. He deserves to have someone who loves him and wants to be married to him

we discussed it. were probably going to separate in the new year.

Oak, please, please go and get yourself put on some ADs, and try to make your marriage work, give it a go until new year.

At least you could say you gave it your very best shot.

Where did this all really start with you?.

Why did you describe your own self as a whiney bitch, did your parents call you that too?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you here?. From the little you have alluded to re your childhood, it was a emotionally harmful one and the effects of that have spilled over into your life now. It needs addressing through therapy now otherwise I feel you will remain unsatisfied and frightened of life for the rest of your days.

I'm sorry OP having read the thread you come across extremely selfish. I actually feel sorry for your husband. Does he know you don't love him? There are three of you to consider here. It would appear that the OP was not happy with her childhood and runs the risk of disturbing her own child's emotional development with her selfish attitudes. Start to open up and allow yourself to emotionally invest in both your child and your husband before you make any decisions, as it comes across that you have already given up. Are you scared to emotionally invest in your child and husband? Have you been let down before and feel that if you invest you set yourself up for a fall. It would appear that your husband wants to stay otherwise he would have left already and who would blame him. If you opened yourself up emotionally to both husband and child it would probably lift your mood and overtime you may feel less awkward expressing yourself. I doubt your husband expects you to be perfect or expects you to never have a bad day he obviously loves you despite any imperfections you feel you have. Try and establish a more emotionally expressive relationship with him and you may enjoy hearing him tell you how he feels about you and the warmth a loving relationship offers. If you find contentment you may even find that spark again. Your child will prosper more in a loving environment. Good luck OP, don't allow your negative feelings of your past to destroy any potential for happiness in your future.