Advice required from those that own a uterus..

[Notenoughwomb]

Hi.
I’ve been in the wings, reading the conversations, for a while and it occurred to me that you ( the collective you) would be qualified to give me advice when I desperately need it.
I’m a 40 something- in good shape for my age and with a good job.
When I was young I was very attractive. In my thirties my hair fell out but I guess I still look ok.
I’m really in to staying in shape and I do lots sport to keep the weight off and stay trim.

We,ve been married a long time, 20 years.
We have one child.
Our child is my world.

For a while ( last two years) my wife hasn’t shown any physical interest in me.
She never initiates sex.
She used to be tactile with me but now she’ll leave the house, to go to work, and just shout ‘goodbye!’

I’m a good dad. I think I’m a good husband; I cook, I clean & I focus on the little things.
It’s occurred to me that my wife might be having an affair....I don’t think so but it would explain a lot?

I started a new job, about a year ago, and 2 women from work have made it very clear that they want me.
I don’t want an affair.

How can I make my wife want me again.
The continued degradation of my self esteem is really taking its toll.
I long to feel wanted again.

All advice welcome. Is this just an unavoidable symptom of being together for so long or can I fix it?

Have you tried talking to your wife about this?

"those that own a uterus"??

Um, well, as the proud owner of a uterus, I would say you need to respect women a bit more for a start.

It was a poor attempt at humour. I want women’s advice.

I mean wow

So self aware and then wondering why something you regard as a "uterus" isn't paying you attention

Maybe ask for some opinions of those with "palms", you'll be needing them

Yes, several times. She just gets very defensive or makes me feel guilty for raising it.

Sigh, again. It was a poor attempt at humour.

As Minipie said, what happens when you try and talk to your wife about this?

There are loads of reasons that previously good partnerships can go to shit - mental or physical trauma, life stages misaligning, one person deciding to be a bastard etc.

The important thing is whether or not she’ll acknowledge that you’re unhappy and not try and shut you down.

My uterus left the building two years ago when I had a hysterectomy, but if that doesn't disqualify my opinion, I think you should talk to your wife about it and find out why she no longer wants sex. You need to stop thinking in terms of 'making her want you' and look at the underlying issues.

Thanks for being constructive, Ive clearly misjudged my audience with the title. :-(

Well I’ve certainly never been intimidated her in any way. Physically or otherwise.

We’ve had the chat a few times, over the years. Historically there’s been a short lived improvement then it goes back to how it is now.
Of late though, if I try and talk about it she gets really angry or just goes on the attack. Hence, I wondering if she’s fallen for someone else?

You aren't meeting her needs. It's simple. Find out what those needs are and she may possibly fancy you again, if it's not already too late. Start by asking her.

And don't assume someone else is meeting her needs. They may or may not be sexual. And if they are it doesn't mean she'd seek them outside the marriage.

Yeah, quite a misfire with the 'uterus owners' thread title, an calling yourself 'notenoughwomb' too?

...but, the airy 'goodbye' s and lack of sex could be lots of things.

What activities do you enjoy together? Have you had any stress free times together recently to become close?

Thanks Bundy.
Makes sense. I have to wonder if there’s a way of doing this without simply asking, “ what are your needs..?”
Because frankly, if I did that she’d probably just laugh at me and wonder what the hell I was on..?!

I’m thinking it’s a case, as has previously suggested of just laying it out there and asking what I can do to fix it..?

Ok - from a woman’s perspective- we grow, we evolve, we change as we adjust careers to have children, we change with the monumental experience of bringing a child into the world. And sometimes we want some of our old life back as we disappear into wife and Mum(only speaking personally here). My husband told me he didn’t feel any different from when he was 16, and that horrified me. Have you grown together, can you grow? Have you adjusted to the changes in your physical and Marital relationship since you have a child ?(I don’t want lots of sex- it has all changed since having kids and some husbands DO NOT get it and feel rejected). And OP, children come first (in my experience), and its a really tough thing to accept I imagine as a man who loves a woman. I wish you well.

It was a clumsy thread title but I’d like to try and help with your actual question.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have had occasional drought periods where one or other of us has been less interested in physical affection.

That is normal in a long relationship but it is not normal, or reasonable, to not have sex with your partner for two years, refuse to acknowledge it and expect them to pretend nothing is wrong.

No one should have sex if they don’t want to. But no one should be trapped in a sexless relationship.

It’s unfair of her to expect you to continue in this relationship if she won’t communicate about issues with a view to fixing the problem.
It may not be fixable but, (if you genuinely have a good relationship and there’s no reason you know of for her to have shut down in this area) refusing to acknowledge your hurt and to explore remedies with you is cruel.

She makes YOU feel guilty- think about what she is saying, and how she is saying it and why she is saying it rather than how it makes YOU feel- you are trying to learn not retaliate

I would say it was your lack of respect for women and your poor sense of humour.

Hi Shriek... yeah I’m picking up on that..

Well that’s one of the symptoms - we used to do things together but she’s stopped.
She tends to want to stay in and watch TV instead.
She works hard, I guess I just thought it was taking its toll.
Should I start with that do you think?

I’m going to stick with my username- it’s “ mum’s net” and I have testicles... when did the internet lose any sense of humour...?

Oh, hang on.... :-/

When you're doing your "lots of sports", what's your wife doing? Does she get the same amount/quality of "me time"? I wonder if there's some resentment there, on her part.

Stumps- thanks. Best reply so far.
I’ll go away and think about that.

Thanks all.

I see, about the not enough womb...for MN, right.

So, take some control, and organise some stuff to do together, out of the house away from childrearing/work/mundane life.

What outdoorsy stuff have you ever both enjoyed together.... I dunno, cycling, skiing, trekking, .....what did you used to enjoy together?

Hirples- I open encourage her to have free time. I have never- in twenty years suggested she can’t do something.
I do my sport in between my duties as a dad and a husband. I work away sometimes so I try and be active then-when I’m home family comes first.

Do you speak to your wife? Have you ever? What- other than sex- worked in the relationship 20 years ago? How old is your child? How physically fit is your wife?
Sorry for the 20 questions- just trying to get a feel for your relationship.

Can you play tennis together ....something like that?

Isadora- my wife is a few years younger than me. Our child is 11.
She’s not sporty but loves to be outdoors. So do I.

Shriek- again, not a bad idea.
Can something as abstract as that help me win my OP??