Advice required from those that own a uterus..

[Notenoughwomb]

Hi.
I’ve been in the wings, reading the conversations, for a while and it occurred to me that you ( the collective you) would be qualified to give me advice when I desperately need it.
I’m a 40 something- in good shape for my age and with a good job.
When I was young I was very attractive. In my thirties my hair fell out but I guess I still look ok.
I’m really in to staying in shape and I do lots sport to keep the weight off and stay trim.

We,ve been married a long time, 20 years.
We have one child.
Our child is my world.

For a while ( last two years) my wife hasn’t shown any physical interest in me.
She never initiates sex.
She used to be tactile with me but now she’ll leave the house, to go to work, and just shout ‘goodbye!’

I’m a good dad. I think I’m a good husband; I cook, I clean & I focus on the little things.
It’s occurred to me that my wife might be having an affair....I don’t think so but it would explain a lot?

I started a new job, about a year ago, and 2 women from work have made it very clear that they want me.
I don’t want an affair.

How can I make my wife want me again.
The continued degradation of my self esteem is really taking its toll.
I long to feel wanted again.

All advice welcome. Is this just an unavoidable symptom of being together for so long or can I fix it?

Wow. What a lot to think about!
Some replies:
I think my wife is sexy as hell.
I do as many of the joint tasks as her if not more. I do the shopping, I clean, I cook. I’m not a dinosaur- we both live in the house, we’re a team. She does have more time with our little girl because I’m away some of the time-
When I get back from a few days away I make sure I step up. I encourage my wife to put her feet up and let me take the load.

A couple of years ago she seemed to just start throttling back- she didn’t want to go on walks as much, she started watching more tv and she put on some weight.
I have never.. I mean NEVER mentioned it. I know a danger zone when I’m near one.

Lots of folk say, sit down, speak to her about it. I’ve tried ( admittedly not for a while) but when I do she gets really defensive and aggressive ( not physically) just very loud and it becomes impossible to work it through.
The constant rejection has had an impact on me and my confidence. I’m doubting myself and thinking I’m passed it.
My initial comments were to set the scene- sure, things ain’t as tight as they used to be but I haven’t let myself go like some blokes do.

I have wondered if it might stem from how she feels about herself.
I compliment her on how she looks, what she wears, Christ I tell her how good she smells!
I don’t know how else I could make it clear that, to me, she’s lovely.

Thanks for all your comments.
I’ll try sitting down again to discuss.

Notenoughwomb trust me - if your wife doesn't feel good in herself, you can compliment her til you are blue in the face but she won't believe it - she isn't able to. And if that's the case she probably hates that you haven't let yourself go!

Please please please, when you sit down to talk to her, don't make it about you. Let her talk. And please REALLY listen to what she is saying. Accept that maybe you cannot do anything about it for now. Accept that maybe she doesn't know what the matter is!

’Of late though, if I try and talk about it she gets really angry or just goes on the attack.’
This is what she does. What does she say^?

Doing stuff can be a lot more effective than talking about it to improve relationship mood. Especially when,as you've clearly stated more than once, its not working!

Do stuff together, enjoy some shared activities. If that doesn't make any difference to the relationship mood and bring openings for chats, there isn't anything you can do.

If she's depressed and defensive, feeling on the back foot, more questioning and deep talk is t going to do it, and I feel if you push her hard as some pps suggest, you may get an angry reaction like ok yes let's split up.

Without knowing more, there's certainly nothing losing spending enjoyable ytime together to lift the relationship mood and bring a little more closeness.

Agree with pps who mentioned keeping sexual distance, as signals might be only leading to sex in her mind. Any gestures, make clear its not just a cue for going further.

A glancing cheek kiss and a smile en route to somethi g else is clear, its just that and can't be misconstrued, but if even that level is not wanted then go back to basics of just having some good time together. If she's depressed the physical activities will help her mood enormously.

Good luck

Op you haven't by any chance told your wife about all these women who have "made it very clear want you" have you??? (Yeah you came off quite douchy there lol)

I would be much more put off by that than the baldness for sure

Have I told my wife I’ve had attention from other women?!
I’m feeling undesired not suicidal..

Appreciate how it came over-
I was trying illustrate that the one woman whose attention I do care about is a void in that department and 2 years of feeling like your pestering someone for physical attention and that she’d be happy if you never did it again is really hard.

I’m trying to recall what she’s said previously ( queue flood gates of bloke not listening) but it was emotive.
I believe- I don’t want you to think want sex, that’s why I don’t kiss you & it’s more important to you than it is to me. Featured between the throw away comments.

She’s told me someone in her work has tried it on with her. Hence my original thought- maybe she’s acted in that.

I don’t know where to go with - if it’s her I just need to forget about it for a time and let her figure it out.
I genuinely think we’d have sex twice a year if I left it to that.

Thanks again.
Not sure this is helping me because there’s a lot of conflicting advice.
Everyone’s different I guess.
It was silly to think I’d get a magic bullet on here.
But I do appreciate eveyone taking the time.

I am trying to go along with you here...
But, this does seem to be all about the negativity you are feeling as a reaction to having any advances knocked back, but you have kept trying? These twice a year times you refer to, are these what she's instigated then? Or you imagine she would only instigate twice a year.

Your relationship is clearly making you feel rejected and insecure.

There will be underlying resentments and issues leading to the not wanting sex, unless it is literally tiredness and too stressed, run down.

Any jumping at opportunities for sex will be sidestepping issues, causing !ore resentment.

No, no magic bullet, but certainly much to think about and plenty to consider as possibilities, yes.

Noone is going to know, are they...you just to put the work in, and it has to not be about sex as that's not working and it really might not be about you

Your response to the thread title is quite interesting, makes me wonder if it's a reflection of how you interact with your wife? If she says that something bothers her, do you tell her that she's overreacting, or question her sense of humour, rather than apologising? I ask as there was a thread on here recently where women complained how their husbands didn't respect their opinion, and it made them feel unvalued.

Just a stab in the dark. Have you done counselling at all?

I don't think it's reasonable to have your sex life unilaterally ended by someone who is supposed to love you, who then won't talk about it. Sex grows out of a relationship -what changed 2 years ago between you?

I would suggest counselling, not because I think this is fixable, but so that you can try to avoid things getting very nasty. Tbh after two years it is going to take a big shift for anything to change. I would never say never in relationships, but it may be that you are faced with the choice to end it or never have sex again. Hence the value of a neutral third party to discuss the whole relationship.

Lol....Noted

Lack of sex/affection aside is there anything to indicate shes having an affair?? I'm not really sure why she would tell you that someone tried it on given your circumstances ....Seems a bit odd?

I appreciate it must really be taking it's toll on your self esteem.....It's hard to know what to advise really....

Try and talk it through and she gets defensive, leave it and you're practically a monk.

Do you think you could be tactile with her (massage her etc) without any sex after...Won't be easy i appreciate but may open the door to non sexual tactile interaction which may possibly help bridge the gap to the other side of things.

As far as direct sexual advances go i would say back right off and work on the other stuff first....

Hope this helps

As a side note once you stop having sex it can be really difficult to start again, it's just awkward. I also think hormones can play a part! I just don't need/want it anymore, the mess, the hassle, needing to shower I'm tired and want to sleeeeep.

It's very hard to know what's going on given she won't talk about it.

Has she stopped fancying you, has she stopped fancying herself, has her libido simply dropped...

The fact that she's defensive agressive when you try to talk about it an the tidbits you've written of what she says -

'I don’t want you to think want sex, that’s why I don’t kiss you.'
'it's more important to you than it is to me'

suggests she may have gone off sex completely and is trying to avoid it.

This can't go on without a proper discussion. Would she agree to counselling?

I think if you at least understood why it would be easier to live with.

The more you post OP the more I want to say it's over. She is telling you this in every single way but with words. She checked out ages and ages ago but because you love her you have allowed her to gradually withdraw everything from the marriage that is important. It's not a criticism, it testimony to the fact you are a decent human being but I think you have to stop it now with the why and the hows and the what ifs. You could twist yourself into all sorts of shapes trying to be what she wants you to be but I fear you are wasting your time. If she won't even do the fundamentally decent thing and have a sit down, grown up respectful conversation with you it's done. Seek legal advice and get out before you are a year older. Whats the point? You are like a moth batting up against a lamp and breaking yourself and getting nothing in return. Move on emotionally from her and why she does what she does will not feel so painful. Get legal advice and you will feel a little empowered. This two in combination will lead you to the strength to put this out of it's misery in as humane a way as possible and you can find someone that will see your good points and love you for them.

Hi Raven.
I did actually apologise for the thread title- twice.

Notenoughwomb: eh? That was not my point ...?

I don't know
I know many many people who have separated in their late 30s or 40s because their lives have become humdrum and they no longer have that connection. Personally, I think it's really rare and unusual to keep a connection after a long relationship and kids. Something has to give and it's usually sex and affection. Some people argue that long term monogamy isn't a successful relationship model. I think there may be some truth in that. Some of the happiest and most in love couples I know got together later after they had their own kids separately.

The reason the title pissed off women so badly is the recent trend to erase the word woman in the name of ' inclusivity' and calling women 'menstruators' and 'uterus havers' so it touched a very raw nerve.

My ueterus says that there is no pint in a relationship unless a baby is going to be out inside it. My brain says that you should talk to her. Loss of libido can be a sign of a myriad of health problems. Ask her what is wrong and what you can do to help. You decide which organ you think is more reasonable.

It didn't touch my nerve as I've got a sense of humour. Clumsy jokes aren't really worth all this angst.

My point was not to get him to apologise again or criticise him again; I don't have a uterus any more either, but just added him to the long list of clumsy men who come on and address a roomload of women à la "Hello Ladeeeez".

My point was more how he reacted to those comments - sighing, repeatedly saying it was a joke and making out that anyone complaining is humourless. If that's how he deals with criticism at home too, it could be an issue.

Well it was a joke. He sighed because intial posters were quite aggressive.

Gosh i really feel for you OP, this is awful and i think it's pretty incredible you've not had an affair, this sort of rejection is gutting. I have 2 close friends in the same situation right now and for one of them this has been going on 4 yrs. My own observation is that quite a lot of 40/50-something women do just go off sex in a big wsy - not sure if this is hormonal or emotional, probably both - but it's definitely quite a common feature at your sort of age and stage of relationship. I think women start seeing sex as an annoying 'task' and joke about it with others in same position, which then normalises it and makes it seem like their men are the ones in the wrong.

Your wife's defensiveness is because she wants to keep it that way and not face the truth - that it's extremely hurtful to bail out on you like this and unfair stay in a relationship that's supposed to include sex if you no longer like it.

Don't for a moment think this is your fault. But do be prepared for the fact it may never change however much counselling you do - one of my friends did 2 yrs of it! unfortunately i dont think physical desire can't be conjured up where it doesn't exist, it's either there or it isnt and making an 'effort' isn't at all sexy. You could spend years chasing things that are supposedly the crux of the matter, only to find there's still no physical contact. To illustrate my point, the wife of one of my friends has said the reason she doesn't feel like sex or even a cuddle is that they've never married, despite 20 yrs together...she will apparently be all over him after the wedding...

Completely agree with that insight Ravenmum
Also completely disagree with the generalisation that women of 40/50 are no longer interested, that comment about a kiss leading to sex...can be taken that way, but I tend to think it means 'we can't have just a kiss, I only get a kiss if you want sex' as another pp said.

Which way is it OP?

The thing about sex and age/length of relationship would be a good thing to poll women on here.
I can certainly relate to the affection unless you're wanted for sex, so men really can't complain about a 'lack of affection/sex' when this is a common theme from men towards women

I think as a generalisation, which won't always hold true, men have an expectation of sex through all times, the good and the bad; the opposite often being the case for women, that sex is reliant upon the good health of the relationship, and absence is indicative of ill relationship.