Advice required from those that own a uterus..

[Notenoughwomb]

Hi.
I’ve been in the wings, reading the conversations, for a while and it occurred to me that you ( the collective you) would be qualified to give me advice when I desperately need it.
I’m a 40 something- in good shape for my age and with a good job.
When I was young I was very attractive. In my thirties my hair fell out but I guess I still look ok.
I’m really in to staying in shape and I do lots sport to keep the weight off and stay trim.

We,ve been married a long time, 20 years.
We have one child.
Our child is my world.

For a while ( last two years) my wife hasn’t shown any physical interest in me.
She never initiates sex.
She used to be tactile with me but now she’ll leave the house, to go to work, and just shout ‘goodbye!’

I’m a good dad. I think I’m a good husband; I cook, I clean & I focus on the little things.
It’s occurred to me that my wife might be having an affair....I don’t think so but it would explain a lot?

I started a new job, about a year ago, and 2 women from work have made it very clear that they want me.
I don’t want an affair.

How can I make my wife want me again.
The continued degradation of my self esteem is really taking its toll.
I long to feel wanted again.

All advice welcome. Is this just an unavoidable symptom of being together for so long or can I fix it?

Thanks, notenough. I just asked because about 15 years into my marriage I suddenly found a hobby I really wanted to do, and it made such a difference to.my life I honestly think.it saved my relationship. Regular time (4 weekends a year, lol!) just "being me" instead of being wife, mum, worker. Amazing. (And twenty years after that, we're still together.)

But that was something I stumbled across, rather than something I sought out. I wonder if your dw is in a similar limbo, a routine that's just work/ domesticity/kids... you can see why that might put a dampner on libido.

Passing thought, is she using hormonal contraception? That can be efficient in more ways than one. :(

Its really no that abstract at all. Its finding pleasure in each others company. Its a bit of connection making, enjoying something together, coming back to a familiarity of how things used to eel together.

I don't wish to talk about a uterus. thank you.. But I am concerned about your loss of hair. its not good really.. And saying that two women at work Want You, what does that mean ?? why do they like you ?

i can't believe that you are saying,, how can I make my wife want me again.!!

Surely, if you have been married for 20 years now,. you know each other well, and can surely sort out your problems together.

Shriek- my last post should have read ‘with’ not ‘win’. Bloody predictive. :-/

Its also not about 'winning'. It might be an unfortunate choice of word, but its not a game, its about finding the feelings you once shared, and whether they are still there.

I think the talking and sorting can come after, once you feel on a more common platform, no, share a platform again. The talking will be easier.

Okay
So she is younger than you. How old were you both when you met?

What worked for you in the relationship? You’ve not answered that.

1for all74.
Yeah, baldness isn’t sexy- I hear you.
The women in work? God knows, I’ve never asked them?
Who cares?
My point, which appears to be the 399th clumsy thing since I started was- I could have sex with other women. I don’t want to.
I want to find why my wife has gone off me.

I can tell, I’ve come over as a dick.
I’m not.
Just lost.

Off to bed.
Thanks for all the replies.
I’m going to give tennis a go..
Which is not where I expected this to lead 😂.
I should have titled this thread “ expert opinions wanted.” Because that’s what I meant.

I'd try a little light rambling before tennis if she's not very sporty but loves the outdoors, a forest walk maybe? (No such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes...)

Anyway, you know her, we don't. Good luck. :)

I really hope you can both enjoy reconnecting through some shared activity.
I think it would be good for you to keep posting and gaining some inside track on conversing with us. It sounds like is been a bit of quite a challenge for you?

I know you’re off to bed, but I can’t help thinking that perhaps the difficulties in communicating here are a sign that you have communication difficulties in the relationship too. You’ve come across unfortunately badly here and I wonder if you misfire your humour in real life too. It sounds sad as you sound like a nice guy- but I’m wondering why sitting down with your wife of 20 years and saying “I’m not really very happy with how things are right now between us and I wonder if you are?” Is so hard?

Oh for goodness sake the op made a bad joke & has recognised this & apologised. Get over it.

Have you thought about asking your wife if she'd like to try some couples counselling op? Might help you understand each other / talk about things?

I noticed that you said very little about your wife in the first post, OP. You didn't say that you are madly in love with her/desire her/find her attractive/worship the ground etc...or even that she is your best friend and confidante. Your child is the centre of your world- where does she fit in that picture? We have a detailed picture of you, but she is a shadowy figure. Do you find expressing love/being demonstrative difficult? You seem like a nice man-and, BTW baldness is not at all unattractive.

Women's sex drive can diminish as they get older and childcare, work, life takes its toll. It's probably natures way to stop us procreating when we are at our energy limits. It may not be that she doesn't find you attractive anymore, just that she's gone off sex. It's can be hard to admit you've got low sex drive as it can be perceived as failure in a sex obsessed society.

I found it quite funny...

OP the only real way to sort out why she appears to have checked out is to ask her but not in a casual way. Ask her to come and sit at a table over a coffee and tell her you feel like she has checked out and you want more from the marriage. Tell her you suspect she does too and that she's not happy either.

Sat face to face she will either open up and some good will come of it or she will shut you down yet again. If it's the latter you need to ask her if she would consider counselliing. If she won't you need to either accept the relationship the way it is or separate. Doing nothing is not an option for you. It might suit her but it doesn't suit you.
Time to start communicating.

@tenredthings what a load of bollocks. Women in their 40s are at their sexual peak. I'm a mum and a FT worker, busy and tired and all that life stuff and I've never been more sexual than right now.

The OP needs to improve communication with his DW, not go and play tennis with her!

Or the dw needs to improve her communication with op...

It's not a given that dw will ever want more sex. Some people do lose interest, through no fault of their partner's. Then the partner is faced with a difficult decision.

MNHQ rename this thread so this man can get the advice he needs...🤔. He's not alone.

Work on togetherness mentally and through activities; in a conversation listen and reflect, don’t solve, do household chores fully and completely and consistently. Say loving things. Plan activities together. Play a longer game if you like but work on bettering your relationship first. She sounds tired and resentful.

I don't know her age but maybe she's in pre-menopause / menopause which may reduce that kind of desire or perhaps she's got problems e.g. at work or health problems, which might make her less interested in a physical relationship as often, particularly for women, the mind is very connected to their desire.

No advise your wife sounds like a cow.... as the owner of my own uterus I found your title amusing.

I see so many posts on here from women moaning about how they get no hell live or affection... however you have balls use them and get on to her. Most women on here of roles reversed would say LTB.... that's an option or simply ask her what the fuck her problem is and ask her why she feels she can treat you like the shit on her shoes and basically be ok with that.

Maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more? Do you make her feel desired? Needed? Lusted after?

OP what is your wife like with you in other ways? Is it just the physical affection that has died off? Asking because my husband (who is bald and sexy as hell BTW) and I have a great relationship but there were many times a few years back when I avoided physical affection (kiss goodbye, sitting close on the couch etc) because I didn't feel like my actions being interpreted as a hint for something more.

My DH is an affectionate person. He loves to cuddle while falling asleep, wants a hug whenever I walk past, rubs my leg while we watch a movie etc. Problem is I have 3 kids constantly demanding attention and grabbing at me too. Its not long before my physical quota is full and I become resentful. Instead of speaking up and having the conversation (which is another chore in itself) I just stopped giving him as much physical attention. We still talked, had fun together etc but physically I felt smothered by my work and family which is really hard to get across in words to someone you love. It wasn't until I had a mini breakdown that he backed off and learned to read my body language.

My husband helps around the house and with the kids. He is a great partner and dad, but he leaves the mental load up to me which is exhausting. This is a great little comic to understand the mental load many women/mothers take on:

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-25

If you still feel your wife loves you and your relationship is good in other areas, I would suggest you take the time to read your wife's moods. If you can see she is taking on a lot, not just what you can see around the house, but what she has going through her head as well, try to help out without asking or being asked. Just look, see and do. Forget about the physical side, just for now, and give her some space. Don't make it about you and what you are missing out on. The sex will come back if everything else falls into place.

All of the above is based on the relationship being otherwise ok. If she IS having an affair, or no longer loves you then time move on. At least you already know there are other women that will have you!

Hi, you sound like a great husband. Try not to jump straight to thinking your wife is having an affair without some real proof. In 20years im surprised this is the first dry spell. Also i dont know how old you are but as women get older hormones change. Oestrogen reduces and this causes a change in libido amongst other things. Id say discuss with wife as she can request HRT from gp. Another thing could be, is she not feeling sexy? As in attractive, confident etc. When im not happy with myself in the mirror that doesnt help

Another thing that completely kills my want for sex is if husband has been annoying me. Any chance you leave clothes,stuff, empty food packets all over the house? Dont help enough, offer to wash up after dinner, take weeks to get round to fixing the shelf?
All the above annoys me and my husband doesnt notice when he does this so has to be reminded here and there