Why do so many women marry or partner up with men that are not thoughtful and not great at showing emotion

[LardLizard]

It’s puzzling me

So many men that don’t seem to be great
Don’t do there share
Aren’t able to express emotion

Clarrylove. Perfect. That's what friends are for.

Bed. Politics, work, kids, history, plans for the weekend. Good chit chat. Why gossip is interesting escapes me.

Why men don't share the load or talk emotionally. Maybe because we have different hormonal make up that suggests that we have no need to so we don't.

Goady post just
What do you do on your own, and why don't you stay on your own if that truly is your attitude?

@Shriek on my own? Today aside as the family is with grandparents (I'm tiding) I don't have much own. Golf would be my own thing of which I talk to my friends and my boy. I have 4 kids I take to golf every Friday.
Maybe that's it, lack of time means I don't get why you would use it for gossiping.

Why don't I stay on my own? Because I have a family who need my time, money and attention. And being on your own would be boring wouldn't it?

Some factors, not all apply to all people of course.

• biological clock prompting people yo compromise on who they marry
• other aspects of the person/relationship compensate for it
• it isn't obvious at the start when things are going well/in the first flush of love and it becomes more complicated to end things later
• they know they are loved even if the other person isn't very demonstrative (My DH is a bit like this - he's affectionate in private but rarely tells me he loves me first and is quite emotionally restrained, no big gestures or anything but i know he loves me and feel secure with him, he's just not very outgoing)

Oh and mine does do his share of chores etc! Have you read about Love Languages? Some people just show love in other ways, lile helping each other out buying gifts etc instead of talking a lot.

When you make a decision you use the criteria that seem important to you now and you don't expect them to change in the future.

When you are young you are probably under the illusion that your criteria and values (whatever they are) will hold forever.

As time passes your values change. What you thought was important becomes trivial and all of the sudden it starts to irritate you that this or that isn't met. In addition your partner is likely to change too both in terms of her or his behaviour and values.

Typical caricature: when we are young we may value beauty and wealth, the cues that are easy to see. We may like the bad boy who gives us a thrill. But 20 years later our values change. What we thought was exciting about the bad boy becomes infuriating.

Inversely if we valued stability, we may settle with someone nice (and as someone above pointed out because we really wanted an archetypal wedding or/and gave in to social pressure). Years later we ask ourselves if this is all there is to life and feel suffocated.

Why don't I stay on my own? Because I have a family who need my time, money and attention. And being on your own would be boring wouldn't it?

@just, I think Shriek was asking why you married someone whose conversation bores you, or in fact why you married a woman at all, given that we're all supposedly obsessed with 'sharing' and gossip?

I am assuming that both just and Clarry have misunderstood something key when they say that they/their husband 'have no emotions at all' -- that would make you some kind of psychopath.

Marriage. For regular sex with out the effort of dating and to have a clean house when I come home. Oh and to look after the kids whilst I work or PlayStation.

Marriage. For regular sex with out the effort of dating and to have a clean house when I come home. Oh and to look after the kids whilst I work or PlayStation.

Dear me, a positive knuckle-dragger's manifesto. I'm surprised you didn't put in a bit about the drag of having to lift your feet while she vacuums round the sofa on which you are grunting at the TV.

She doesn't vacuum whilst I'm at home. I don't like the noise.

Another goady one just
That post didn't read right thanks to android friend, not.
It should have said, what would you donif you were on your own.
You would have to pull your weight and you wouldn't have to talk to boring ppl; which is why I sent on to say why aren't you alone then you wouldnt have to be bored by anyone.

Oh just ignore him! He’s only trying to wind everyone up

No, being alone is not necessarily boring, no. You do however sound a real bore.
Your attitude is archaic and misogynistic, and you seem proud of that.
Very goady

She doesn't hoover when in there as I don't like it
Do you hear yourself, talking and behaving this way.
She probs on that other post having an affair.

It looks like Justbeingit’s wife is the type of woman the OP was talking about.

Or she's a jet-setting CEO of a multinational, and just is just fantasising about having someone vacuuming under his feet and providing sexual services and childcare after all the effort he went to pretending to have emotions while dating?

Or she's imaginary.

I think more like imaginary bed !

Many posts here seem to be bundling doing chores in with expressing emotions. They are separate issues. But with regards to expressing emotions, men are different on average from women in how they feel and express emotions. A man who never shows affection is going too far I agree. But you should accept that most men are going to be more taciturn than women. That's the way they are.

I think alot of these women know deep down that these men are not worthy but they are desperate to not be lonely, or they want children etc. Everything is a choice.

I married my husband knowing he had selfish traits but everything else outweighed. I enjoyed giving - throwing surprises, fussing over him. I enjoyed taking care of him and the kids when they came along. After time I realised no one was taking care of me. Especially when I needed it. It was all take, he'd never done the stuff I had done, back. I grew resentful and we parted. I think back a lot. I was happy and so in love...wonderful memories I wouldn't change. But we change as we go through life, and a partner either goes through that with you or doesn't.

Someone above said you don't tend to marry this kind of person for your second husband, and I think there's a lot of truth in that. I'm happily married now but my older son's father was just as described. Not thoughtful, did nothing domestically, lacking in empathy (not emotions. I think empathy is what you mean though.)

I think you just don't realise how miserable it is to live with someone without these qualities until you've been there and done it but by then it's too late. And if you haven't been there you often don't want to know. You get blinded by love and think people are just being picky or unfair. There is an element of believing "all men are like this" too, which is why silly stereotypes and pop culture about women think this way, men think that don't help (and are a form of sexism).

But knowing what I know I have hugely strict criteria about who I would suggest anyone marry. Life is too short to be stuck in a marriage with someone who fundamentally does not care or consider you.

The problem with romantic love is that the object becomes elevated to levels that are utterly detached from the reality, but because it is love, the downsides are ignored. Love will transform the little wrinkles into picture perfect.
Once the intoxication dissipates, the reality of the person we have fallen in love with is revealed.
A person I know did exactly this. In fact, the best description of the start of her relationship with her now DH was that of watching a person run into a burning building.
He was so, so, so wrong. 10 minutes in his company was all anyone needed to estimate the wrongness. Yet she was oblivious because she had created something in her mind and he was the man for the role. In her, he probably saw a person ready to do anything for him. Put up with all his nonsense and then some.

15 years down the line and we'll, their lives are like ground zero. Horrific. Nasty soul destroying cycle of spite, torment, threats and fear with 2 kids in the middle.
She is unwilli g to leave him though I get the sense she thinks all will be ok if he gets another job, the kids get bigger, the wind changes...hopeless.
It is two in this situation that created a monster.

Interesting thread topic.

I grew up in a Guardian-reading family in the 1980s and 1990s, when the "New Man" stereotype was being pushed quite strongly. So, there was lots of encouragement for me to be in touch with my emotions, and to express them; and I heard and read lots of explanations about why this was better than traditional forms of masculinity.

I now think I was sold a pup.

The girls I grew up around weren't interested in men like that: they considered them sooks and wimps. In my view, they regarded showing emotion as unmasculine, and while it might be a fine trait in a friend, it wasn't a good one in a boyfriend.

Not showing emotion shows strength, and the strong, unemotional, protective man is a very deep-rooted stereotype.

I've now been married for nearly two decades and DW, unfortunately, has had problems keeping employment, psychological issues, and problems with her physical health. I have had to bear the brunt of her frustration, much of which has been taken out on me. Learning traditional manly stoicism has been extremely useful for getting her and me through all that. I would say that the New Man ethic of showing emotion has, for me, been an entirely useless guide for life. Instead, I have learned to be aware of my emotions but also be very good at not showing them, because it is often a luxury I cannot afford.

As others have rightly pointed out, there are other ways of showing love, e.g. through acts of service, but that is not what the OP was about.

bertiebotts, that's true. My x husband considers himself quite alpha but he was controlling and domineer whereas I think a true alpha man doesn't need to control or manipulate. He will have a following so to speak purely from his charisma and authenticity and confidence (if he has it).

@TomPinch, You weren't sold a 'sook' - maybe you weren't confident enough. I was raised to do the right thing, to be giving, thoughtful, productive, honest, hardworking. I was all of that but I did lack self worht and confidence which made me not ''lovable''.

I don't regret being honest, hardworking, giving etc... but I do look back and wish I'd worked on my confidence and self worth a lot earlier than I ddi