Why do so many women marry or partner up with men that are not thoughtful and not great at showing emotion

[LardLizard]

It’s puzzling me

So many men that don’t seem to be great
Don’t do there share
Aren’t able to express emotion

In part I agree with Rich and in part disagree. I think age and maturity plays a part.
I think the male 'veneer' plays a part.
But I don't think extroverts have it all. Only for the women drawn to extroverts, they are not necessarily confident.
Very true ^thread about men blaming women for being after money and so on..yes. Self-dulfilling prophecy

*Fulfilling

Sadly, for some women, having any man in their life is better than no man, no matter how abusive or cheating they may be.

I've never understood it but you see it so often on here.

...and yes, it think many women feel very stigmatised if they don't have what's seen to be the norm, of partner and family.
Stupid shit expressions like,left on the shelf, or whatever the current equivalent may be, don't help!

I have one of these. Didn't start to show until we lived together for a while, now we have a baby and hes completely comfortable to revert to his natural self. Also these men are usually the tough, solid man types which to be perfectly honest made me swoon in the beginning, how naive was I..

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think it’s improved much. Looking at my friends in their late twenties/early thirties, mostly successful women with a degree or two, about half of whom are married, I’d say their partners range from the pretty good through to the downright abusive and everything in between.

Most of the men do very little around the house. The women arguably have a worse deal than 50 years ago when they would have been housewives, because now they have to work and do the housework, buy Christmas and birthday cards, plan holidays, and often look after the finances as well. We women were told we could have it all but we all too often seem to end up just doing everything

I’m not sure what the solution is but it has to be something to do with how we raise boys.

Desperation, low self-esteem, low expectations, biological clock (or want another hcild and would prefer to have another with a twat than take a chance on not having another at all), fallacy of sunken costs.

Also to add, men often have a wealth of other qualities to them which are very loveable. My partner does not do emotions or feelings but is brilliantly funny and very playful which I love. He doesn't help around the house but he will make sure all our bills are paid and if I need anything hes the first to step in and say 'go on just get it'. Hes an excellent provider working long hours for our family so its swings and roundabouts really, pinch of salt and all that.

I love the playful and funny, so long as they pull their weight and take seriously their role of 'partnering'.

If someone isnt actually a 'partner', actually sharing the load, then why call them one.

It's not on to shirk responsiblilitys because 'the other half' will pick it up, its a negotiation to make sure both feel it is reasonable.
How many still to this day have blue and link jobs!! It would 'emasculate' a man to have to clean the loo, or scrub floors, or send cards. That man emasculates himself. Men do barbees, and work long hours, and don't meddle with her housework as long as she does it properly

So does he control the finances 1724...like he lets you get nice things for yourself?
You do have your own money and decisions though yeah, as I'm not understanding your seemingly conflicting posts about your one of those?

I really hate the phrase “good / excellent provider”.
It just means - I wouldn’t be with him if it weren’t for his money.
How much he earns should just be a bonus, not a reason to be with him.

@BedHair I know what you're saying and I know my post was a huge generalisation which isn't true in a lot of cases. My ex probably did burn me a lot and because of my attachment style it is taking a lot longer than most to work through it.

But I do think I am right to some extent and noticed this way before I met her. I see it all the time, more so with women in their 20s and 30s rather than later in life. When I say alpha male I again know that it's a huge generalisation of guys but women definitely find confidence the overriding factor when it comes to being with a guy - I don't mean the brash, macho ones as such either. The thought of losing him to another girl also seems to come into play a lot I feel, like a competitive nature kicks in and even though they know he is bad for them wants to be the prize that he chooses.

I picked my partner because I was totally and utterly sexually infatuated with him and found him the most physically attractive man I had ever met. I glossed over everything else. 15 years later I still think he is extremely good looking but all the awful things about his personality have pretty much put me off him. I doubt I am the only person to have been blinded by physical beauty so that might be one explanation

I would say and excellent provider is just that-he provides.
You can provide on a minimum wage job, it just means you don't selfishly waste your money on shit and you pay the bills and feed your child.
It is an attractive quality to all partners, not just golddiggers.

Sorry, rich, I sounded more hostile than I intended. I just don’t think it is true as a rule. I think women value confidence in partners, because most of us don’t want to have to prop up someone with wobbly self-esteem, because it’s exhausting. And men are socialised to think that male confidence is a good thing, whereas women, certainly of my generation and background, were socialised not to appear too confident or clever, because it wasn’t ‘feminine’. Having grown up and struggled free of that kind of corrosive internalised misogyny, a lot of women want someone who is an equal, not someone they need to mother or ring out of his shell.

Which is not an answer to the OP’s question, I realise. I can only say that I’ve found Relationships a sad and enlightening board in the years I’ve been on Mn.

Don't be silly @Bedhair :) I guess I'm just going by some of my experiences. Of course I see my friends who are great guys in relationships so I know it's not the case with all guys. I know a bit of my frustration is probably due to myself falling for the wrong type of girls too. The last thing I would want to be thought of is one of those stereotypical 'nice guys' who holds a grudge against women because he thinks he is nice so is owed something.

Since finding the relationship forum on here I too have been taken aback at how sad some of the stories here are and how awful some men can be. I guess it's only a very small percentage of society though and people usually find the board due to having problems in their relationships. I do think there are women out there though who need the drama of a bad relationship to feel the spark and attraction, if someone who is stable and generally good then it isn't enough for them.

The Alpha Male just doesn't appeal to lots of women.

And from an evolutionary perspective, if he were as successful a shagger as people think the world wouldn't be mostly full of beta males would it?

Rita: Haha - good point!

Revisiting the "sharing the load" point Stripped... and Shiek addressed, I wonder if the "Lad Culture" of the 90s didn't help, at least for my generation. Culturally women were, indeed, being encouraged to "do it all" (even socialise like a man - by being a Ladette).

Men, in comparision, were encouraged to be... what? Adorable, little menchildren, who just couldn't help but be useless (bless them), even if they tried. In fact, far better if they didn't try and left it all to the capable women! It's that Men Behaving Badly thing (which I know intended to satirise rather than celebrate). Culturally, men were sent the message your role in the relationship is to be an entertaining anachronism, somewhat akin to a pet.

I'm one of these guys that doesn't do emotions. My only answer i that it just takes up so much time and is always about the same thing. Wife's friends complain that husbands don't do enough and "mothers do everything for them". People have different priorities and I don't like listening to the same problem over and over again. There is only so much encouragement and discussion you can give to someone before its gets boring.

Most emotional chats end with me asking how is it going to be fixed, the answer "Oh we need to chat some more". Nope take action.

Bit of a ramble there but overall its chatting does nothing, doing stuff does.

But your wife is not asking you to solve her friends’ marital problems, just. She is presumably asking you to listen to her as she makes general chitchat about her friends’ lives because that’s what’s on her mind. You may not be wildly interested, just as I am not passionately concerned with Irelan beating the All-Blacks, but because I love my husband, I don’t say ‘Bored now!’ if he talks about rugby, or his friends, or something that happened at work.

This I guess is the nail on the head, General chit chat is boring and makes me and others not open up. It's not something I feel anything about so to use it as why don't man open up. Because it's the same shit all the time and we don't need to talk about it all the time.

Sports are simple, rugby (not a fan) but the loss and the win are what it's all about and why it can be good to chat with anyone. You can chat to a kiwi or an Aussie about it but move the conversation on to Fag Ash Lil current marital issue and those conversations are gone.

I think it is unrealistic to expect your partner to fill 100% of your needs. Mine does his share around the house and has lots of other positives but no emotions at all. Does it matter? Not really. That's what I have my best friends for.

So, do you only talk about sport, or matters you can ‘solve’, @just? I suppose I’m just puzzled why you married someone whose main topic of conversation bores you so much.

And I don’t see the connection with ‘opening up’ and discussing other people’s lives — surely it’s possible to discuss whether X is really having an affair with the local GP in much the same way as you’d discuss sport? I’m not wildly emotionally invested either way.

And — to go back to the OP’s question — when you were first going out with your wife, did you pretend to be interested in her conversation? Why? Otherwise I’m not sure what’s in it for either of you.

I think I just wandered into a Men are from Mars chapter! Seriously. Especially, just I think he's actually quoting it its so close.

...and it truly is insulting to talk like this about a woman you're supposed to love...boring..but you won't be the first man with this kind of attitude, its quite widespread.