Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Should I tell STBXH that I'm going on a date?

53 replies

IndecisionFrisson · 16/11/2018 15:34

NC as this is really outing but could do with some sensible MN advice.

Slight backstory - separated from husband at Christmas, but currently still under the same roof as neither of us have any savings or finances to allow us to move out, and unable to sell at the moment, plus it's easier for the kids - we have 2 DDs, 6 and 9, who we haven't said anything to.

It was my choice to separate, and he took it very badly at first, lots of emotional blackmail etc, and getting his family involved to bad mouth me. It's calmed down in recent months, and we're getting on fairly amicably.

I've been asked out on a date - do I tell him? So as not to drip feed, the date is with someone I knew way before I met OH, and recently connected since the separation.

Any advice welcome. I want to tell him so as to be honest, but am worried about how he'll react.

OP posts:

OakElmAsh · 16/11/2018 15:36

I don't think you need to - you could consider it if it were to become a regular thing with this guy, but until you see if its worth the hassle of telling STBXH about it, I'd say as little as possible

WingingItStill · 16/11/2018 15:38

Personally I wouldn’t.

Lovemademe · 16/11/2018 15:43

No can’t think why you would

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 16/11/2018 15:45

Have you made plans for divorce? He can sight adultery if you find a new bf!! Not a nice start to a new relationship. .

SummerGems · 16/11/2018 15:45

Personally I wouldn’t be going on dates while you’re still living under the same roof, and I speak as someone who lived under the same roof with my ex for almost a year after we split due to working out finances etc.

Also if the DC are unaware it’s not IMO appropriate for you to be seeing other people given they will still be of the thinking that you and their dad are still together.

Are you in separate bedrooms etc?

Personally I’d be looking to tell the DC and to then making plans to move out so that you can both move forward with your lives. L

Lovemademe · 16/11/2018 15:48

I also wouldn’t while you are living together (also lived together but separated for two years.)

MessyBun247 · 16/11/2018 15:49

I don’t see the need to tell him? It’s not really his business what you do socially, as long as it doesn’t affect him or the children.

I would just say I’m meeting a friend.

And to the pp, the children aren’t involved in the OP’s date so they won’t be aware of it.

Cawfee · 16/11/2018 15:51

Nope. No need to tell him everything. Only consider it if you think it might go somewhere. You’re separated and entitled to your private life

Original poster

IndecisionFrisson · 16/11/2018 15:54

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Yes we are in separate bedrooms.

I certainly wouldn't be saying anything to DDs until I know if this is potentially serious.

I get people saying that I shouldn't be dating while still under the same roof, but does that mean I can't ever date again? I wouldn't had a problem if he wanted to go on a date.

OP posts:

SummerGems · 16/11/2018 15:55

And to the pp, the children aren’t involved in the OP’s date so they won’t be aware of it. maybe not in the original date no but the children are thus not even aware that the OP and her DH are separating. So for the time being any relationship with this man literally cannot go anywhere because she cannot possibly introduce him or even the notion of him into her children’s lives while they are all living under the same roof, she will need to give it some time after they move out to even introduce the idea of seeing someone else.

She can’t stay at his overnight or on weekends because the DC are unaware the parents are splitting.

So what exactly is the point?

ZazieQueneau · 16/11/2018 15:58

Um, no. That would be cruel in the circumstances.

richdeniro · 16/11/2018 15:59

I had an awful relationship with someone whilst they were still living under the same roof as their ex-husband whilst they were separating and going through the divorce. Not saying things might not be different for you but you are in a sense emotionally available and you might end up hurting anyone you get involved in.

Nesssie · 16/11/2018 16:01

I wouldn't whilst still living together and the children don't know.

SummerGems · 16/11/2018 16:02

OP, if there are no plans for you to move out then no, you shouldn’t be dating with a view to having any kind of serious relationship.

You really cannot introduce any kind of man into your children’s lives while you and their dad are still living together. I know people who have done this, and it has been to the detriment of their relationship with their children.

Can you imagine this thread the other way around? “Me and DH have separated but at the moment we are unable to move out. Now he’s decided to start going out on dates, and having done so for a while (without my knowledge) he’s met someone he wants to introduce to the children. AIBU to be uncomfortable with this given the DC haven’t actually been told we’re separated yet?”

I realise that that scenario is slightly further forward but still, no-one would be on his side. Added to which, there are plenty of posts from MN’ers who post that the new partner is still living with the ex for “financial” reasons hence why they cannot be introduced to the DC. The advice is always that the poster is unwittingly the OW and that he’s likely still sleeping with his wife who is likely unaware of things.

You need to look to move out so you can both get on with your lives. This limbo has the potential to be damaging to everyone.

PleaseJustSayNo · 16/11/2018 16:03

I certainly wouldn't be saying anything to DDs until I know if this is potentially serious

I'd say splitting with their DF is pretty serious tbf. What do they think is happening? Why do they think you're suddenly in separate rooms?

Same with the should I be never dating again bit, I presume that you are actually planning on moving out/him moving out? I assume you're going to be cohabiting forever?

MessyBun247 · 16/11/2018 16:29

What is the point?

Er.....what is the point of dating in general? To get to know someone slowly to see if you are compatible? To have fun?

The OP isn’t planning to bring her date back to the family home ffs.

Who the OP spends her free social time with is no-one else’s business.

NotTheFordType · 16/11/2018 16:42

of course not, why would you? jesus

Ballymenahey · 16/11/2018 16:43

I wouldn't be going on dates while in your circumstances.

Firstly, it's going to be confusing for your DC in that they think that mummy and daddy are still together.

Secondly, it's not fair to the bloke because you can't invite him home or progress the relationship because the kids don't know and your ex lives there.

Thirdly, it feels a bit rubbing your ex's nose in it. It is really weird to be getting done up to go on a date and he's sitting downstairs with the kids and you're going to come home later and what? Tell him what a fun time you had and how good of a snog?

And finally, what if you want to stay overnight/shag? How the hell are you going to explain that?

SillySallySingsSongs · 16/11/2018 16:46

I certainly wouldn't be saying anything to DDs until I know if this is potentially serious.

How exactky would that conversation go?

Mummy and daddy are splitting up and mummy has a new boyfriend

Merrz · 16/11/2018 16:50

I would just watch yourself with this, STBXH has already show he has the potential to get nasty by his reactions you described when you first separated. In the eyes of the law and pretty much everyone else you are still married and living together as husband and wife, if you start a new relationship this could be classed as adultery in which case i think if your husband wanted to he could fight for you to basically be left with very little.

Ballymenahey · 16/11/2018 16:53

OFGS the OP isn't going to get less in a divorce settlement because she had adultery, if she shagged someone. Don't spout nonsense. Times have moved on and that isn't relevant any more.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 16/11/2018 16:55

He will be sure to pass on info that the marriage broke down because she found a new bf - not because he was a twat dh!

Bouledeneige · 16/11/2018 22:08

No why? You're not in a relationship anymore. Keep it out of his face and in your private zone and its no ones business but your own.

There's no such thing as citing adultery for divorce. Not for decades.

Lovemademe · 16/11/2018 22:13

Er there is boule.

Lovemademe · 16/11/2018 22:14

There are five main grounds for divorce in the uk, adultery being one of them.

Flip

1 2 3