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Original poster

Should I tell STBXH that I'm going on a date?

53 replies

IndecisionFrisson · 16/11/2018 15:34

NC as this is really outing but could do with some sensible MN advice.

Slight backstory - separated from husband at Christmas, but currently still under the same roof as neither of us have any savings or finances to allow us to move out, and unable to sell at the moment, plus it's easier for the kids - we have 2 DDs, 6 and 9, who we haven't said anything to.

It was my choice to separate, and he took it very badly at first, lots of emotional blackmail etc, and getting his family involved to bad mouth me. It's calmed down in recent months, and we're getting on fairly amicably.

I've been asked out on a date - do I tell him? So as not to drip feed, the date is with someone I knew way before I met OH, and recently connected since the separation.

Any advice welcome. I want to tell him so as to be honest, but am worried about how he'll react.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 16/11/2018 22:17

IMHO you shouldn't be dating whilst still living together but I'm wondering more what's going on for the children. You say you are in separate rooms? Have the children not questioned that? My parents split when I was a child. The circumstances were different but I 100% knew what was going on even though no one said a word. I never asked about it or spoke to anyone about it but I thought and worried about it in silence. When they eventually told me there was no surprise whatsoever.

Bouledeneige · 16/11/2018 23:01

Yes you're right but if you've already decided to split what difference does it make. As there's no blame divorce - it's just the stated reason. There are no other implications for the settlement.

So if she wants to stay married she shouldn't have a date. But it wont make any difference to the settlement or divorce. Just the reason written in the decree nisi.

richdeniro · 17/11/2018 00:10

All I remember about my relationship with a woman who was seeing me whilst still living under the same roof as her ex-husband and kids was her talking about how hard a time her kids were having with their mum disappearing for evenings and nights at a time.

I feel dreadful about all that now, I just hope that no permanent damage was done. I remember her telling me about her 12 year old daughter crying because she caught her texting me.

It doesn’t work at all and causes a lot of issues I’m sure.

IndieTara · 17/11/2018 00:15

If the kids don't know, then surely if mummy has a night out, then things will be the same as whatever usually happened when mummy had a night out but was still with their dad.

Nothing will have changed in that respect for the kids. If mummy is out then daddy parents

HeddaGarbled · 17/11/2018 00:17

Twist the knife why don’t you? He didn’t want to separate, reacted badly, but now things have calmed down and you’re managing to stay amicable while waiting for the house to sell. You can hold off from dating till you’re not living in the same house. Have you no respect for his feelings at all? Just cruel.

Changedname3456 · 17/11/2018 06:01

My exW and I had to live under the same roof for a few months after she told me she’d cheated (and wanted him etc). The separation was bad enough. Seeing her get ready to go out was just a renewed kick in the head, every single time.

It’s a horrificly insensitive thing to be doing whilst under the same roof. Keep your legs crossed until you’re under different roofs and the kids know, IMO. And that applies to him too.

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2018 06:14

Don't date someone else when you're still living there. What have you done towards getting divorced and moving out this year? Focus on that for now

Tattybear16 · 17/11/2018 06:29

Sorry but I think you need to sort your life out before you even consider dating. It’s just wrong. If a man had written this, he would be crucified on MN.

If the boot was on the other foot and your husband did this how would you feel. And he is still your husband until you’re divorced. Grow up, get your affairs in order and prioritise your kids, who I assume you’re leaving with hubby to look after, whilst you go out for a good time and potentially start looking to replace him with someone else.

Lovemademe · 17/11/2018 06:50

boule why are you saying there is no blame divorce? That’s not true!

Have you actually been through the divorce process yourself? You have to prove the other party is at fault if you divorce for unreasonable behaviour, desertion or adultery. Unreasonable behaviour is the most common cause for divorce.

pog100 · 17/11/2018 07:04

I'm no expert but surely the most common is the two year, no fault line?

Lovemademe · 17/11/2018 07:11

It’s not, it’s unreasonable behaviour. Maybe because some couples don’t want to wait for two years.

Alienspaceship · 17/11/2018 07:14

Just go out. You could be going out anywhere with friends - of course you shouldn’t tell him. Just discreetly get on with it.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 07:16

Two years no fault is no blame divorce.

The unreasonable behaviour reasons are often meaningless.

AuntieStella · 17/11/2018 07:22

How long will it be before one/both of you moves to a new place?

I think better to delay dating until that happens, or at least until you have told your DC.

I know it can take a fair amount of admin time, but as you have been separated for nearly a year, you really need to get on with it.

SummerGems · 17/11/2018 07:57

Actually to get a two year no fault divorce OP and her h will have to prove they’re separated esp as they’re still living under the same roof.

So at the bear minimum they should draw up a proper separation agreement, finances should be separated at this stage etc.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 08:05

Absolutely. Where does the op say she hasn’t done so?

Treacletoots · 17/11/2018 08:29

There's a lot of shit spouted about on here about divorce. I think people have watched too much US TV where things like adultery do make a difference.

In the UK it's just a process, and ticks in boxes to comply with. No judge actually cares about 'adultery' it's not the 1950s!

OP. Do not tell him you are going on a date. He will react badly. It's just human behaviour. I've been in your exact situation and I can confirm that partners who wanted nothing to do with you suddenly behave like complete arseholes once they realise they've really lost you, or their grip on you.

You really do need to take steps to move on. As hard as it is... For everyone's sake. Trust me.

SillySallySingsSongs · 17/11/2018 09:49

Absolutely. Where does the op say she hasn’t done so?

Well I doubt it considering they haven't even got round to telling the DC yet.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 17/11/2018 10:06

Treacle actually when you commit adultery then have to discuss dc matters the judge cares very much. You are a shown liar and your cause is harder to prove - if you are not agreeing regarding dc and trying to shoot ex down in some way it's quite difficult.. Ime...

Treacletoots · 17/11/2018 11:04

@santaispolishinghissleigh oh!! I had no idea...I didn't have any DC with my divorce. I stand corrected. Yikes..

Badliar · 17/11/2018 11:10

That’s not true santa. There is no judgement in court of someone who has committed adultery, you are not a ‘proven liar’ and it makes no difference to the financial settlement or childcare arrangements.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 17/11/2018 11:39

My 4 years in court will argue I am right...
My barrister told me as I was a proved liar (new relationship 6 months after moving out but still married!) I had to show the courts I wasn't lying regarding my wishes for dc arrangements.

SillySallySingsSongs · 17/11/2018 11:41

Treacle actually when you commit adultery then have to discuss dc matters the judge cares very much

No they don't.

mylightbulbmoment · 17/11/2018 11:45

Judge won't give a shit if you have committed adultery.

Honestly

lifebegins50 · 17/11/2018 12:44

If the divorce becomes very hostile and finances and childcare end up in court then barristers will use whatever behaviour to discredit the other side. Can it make a difference? Absolutely! As judges make decisions based on personal credibility if facts are disputed.

So if the husband decides to fight child arrangements and seeks to badmouth/lie about the mother, her dating whilst married could be brought up and the "distress it caused the children as the mother put her selfish needs for sex ahead of the childrens wishes and feelings". Much could be made of the caring dad who looked after the children whilst the mum partied.

As a counter balance Cafcass could offer no judgement however if anyone thinks their divorce will be hostile they should be aware of how their behaviour could be later presented. Living together risks either party being able to gather ammunition.

This is for cases where full hearings are involved (which are a small percentage of divorces) but the Op doesn't know how hostile her divorce will be so it's a risk.

On an emotional level it seems very unwise to try to start a new relationship when the door isn't fully closed on a marriage.