HPV affecting my marriage

[goingdownhillfast]

I have had a smear test which has detected HPV and moderate dyskaryosis which is very distressing. I did have a brief liaison with another man this year and I deeply regret it and once had unprotected sex which was stupid but apparently you can still get HPV even using condoms, I have no STDs as I made sure I was tested. I had no idea about HPV before all this and had been with DH for over nearly 3 decades.

Obviously my dh is livid as things were improving but apparently it is not necessarily the OM.

DH is worried about his own health now and is so angry. I'm scared and there seems to be little information

You will be suffering the fallout from your affair for a while. That's what always happens, one way or another. Even if it's not related to sexual health.

Your husband may need time to decide if he can forgive or not.

Hpv isn't ruining your marriage. You did that.

Judgmental much? Op is here for support. If you can’t offer it don’t post.

Thanks wonky, yes I feel as guilty as hell about what happened

itswonkylampshade who are you? Thread police.

You can't demand every poster posts in the way you find acceptable.

There is always long term fallout from affairs. The op needs to just accept that.

And accept it's her actions that are destroying the marriage. Until she grasps that and stops blaming the consquences, they won't get far.

And the husband has the right to take as much time as he need to decide what he wants to do.

I wanted advice about the virus as apparently it can lie dormant.

Have you had babies in that time? Although the most likely form of transmission is sexual contact, there is evidence to suggest it can be transmitted non-sexually, and particularly around the time of child birth. I can see how that could happen, what with all the vaginal contact involved!

Yeah HPV can be dormant, but it's unlikely to be dormant for 30 years I'm afraid and (like herpes) it won't show up on an STI screen if you don't have active warts/sores.

Have you had unprotected sex with your H since developing genital warts? If not, he's very unlikely to be affected.

I had warts when I was 16 or 17, as a result of unprotected sex with someone who was infected. (I even remember thinking "Wow, this cock is kinda bumpy...") I had to have yearly smear tests for 5 years after but that was it.

TBH you're probably better off seeking advice from your local GUM clinic than a bunch of judgemental online strangers.

What advice are you looking for? Does it matter where you got the virus from?

As far as your marriage goes, details about the virus or how you got it are irrelevant. This issue is you cheated. Now you're going to have to live with the fallout.

No warts, just smear test result

I had the same result last year and had to go for a colposcopy and LLETZ treatment. Had to go for a smear after 1 year (currently awaiting results). I can't remember what they said in the hospital but he left me feeling reassured. Have you been referred for this?

Not the same but I got warts within 3 months of being with my DH after he shagged someone else. It probably was your OM. The GUM clinic said the same to me, not necessarily that, yadda yadda. I'm convinced it was him, I'd been with him 15 years.
However, your DH needs to either leave you, or support you. HPV doesn't harm men in the same way, and you need his support.
Please don't beat yourself up, we all make mistakes, and you are no better or worse than anyone else.
I do hope you feel better soon and that your cervical stuff is ok. Don't feel guilty, you've suffered enough. Unmumsnetty hugs from me xx

And ignore the posters talking about you having to live with the fallout etc. You already are. Look after yourself, as this will help your recovery. You can only apologise for so long. We are none of us perfect and all of us human. It happens.

There are more than 150 strains of HPV. 99%:of sexually active people will be infected by one or more strain at some point. It is spread through skin to skin ( not blood or sperm ) contact. So it can be spread through a hand job for example. Condoms do not cover the entire area (e.g. scrotum,)so it can still be spread.
There is a good chance this is nothing to do with OM although I can see why your DP would take that route.

It sounds like DP is not over your affair and that needs tackling

That grin is a mistake

Salt I get your point but surely he can tackle it once OP has her health stabilised.

Sorry but @notthefordtype is talking nonsense. Many, many people with HPV infection will not have warts...different strains entirely...so for example, the HPV strain which causes cervical cancer DOES NOT cause genital warts. So not having warts is irrelevant if thinking about HPV infection.

Moderate dyskaryosis just means changes in cells near cervix, often picked up on cervical smears. The HPV virus is, as you know, sometimes dangerous but very often not at all - and treatable.

Why do you assume either of these are the result of your affair? Don't be so hard on yourself, you could have had them for a long time and so could your partner. Who knows who had what first? Your partner could have passed them on to you.

You haven't given him syphilis for goodness sakes.

Look after yourself. Your biggest problem in my view is the pair of you getting over your affair and that would be the case if you did not have anything wrong with you. Don't let him use these conditions as a rod to beat with you and get a sense of proportion. We all make mistakes.

Indeed @Steak. But there is no cure for HPV. It is just as likely that he (DH) infected her many years ago but because women are screened, it looks like they are the "infectors".

Ive been with dh for 12 years.
10 yrs ago i had Cin3 had to have lletz which cleared it, i was on yearly smears which were thankfully all clear.
Last years smear showed hpv+ but no abnormal cells.
This yrs smear was the same.

Ive never cheated on dh at all. Does this mean hes cheated on me?

Sorry to hijack thread op and hope your doing ok

The hpv that causes warts is different to the one that causes cell changes.. it really isn't a massive deal, you may have had it for years but as smear test have changed and hpv is tested for first you wouldn't have known about it.

He's looked at the USA sites and is worried about his health. He hates me being on mumsnet. He thinks the worse

He also doesn't want to sleep with me even though things were going fine again beforehand

HPV of the strains that can cause cancers (the ones screened for in smears) dont alwats cause warts. As someone else said, there are 100 odd strains.

I've also had cin3 and LLETZ

The virus can recur without re-exposure and it is not understood why. So no to the PP your DH didn't have to cheat on you for you to have a HPV come back on a smear.

Your DH may well have been the person to give it to you (years ago!). Or maybe not. But it's so common it's almost irrelevant.

HPV can cause some cancers in men but they're very rare. And, like women, a large % of men have HPV at some point. Like women most clear the virus and it never causes an issue. That is my understanding from reading a lot about it for about 8 weeks whilst I was worried about my own HPV and CIN3 as I'm immune compromised so was a bit paranoid.