HPV affecting my marriage

[goingdownhillfast]

I have had a smear test which has detected HPV and moderate dyskaryosis which is very distressing. I did have a brief liaison with another man this year and I deeply regret it and once had unprotected sex which was stupid but apparently you can still get HPV even using condoms, I have no STDs as I made sure I was tested. I had no idea about HPV before all this and had been with DH for over nearly 3 decades.

Obviously my dh is livid as things were improving but apparently it is not necessarily the OM.

DH is worried about his own health now and is so angry. I'm scared and there seems to be little information

"Steakandkidney I don't class the high strain of hpv as an sti, it goes hand in hand with having sex. "

This is what a nurse and 2 gynae consultants said to me too.

Yes he knew about IM and things were improving. Thought it was better to be honest as he probably would have found out at some point

Wow, what a total dick. You must LTB immediately. How dare he still be reeling from the fact that you fucked another man?!

How dare he not be completely over it despite things starting to improve. Obviously he's emotionally abusive, otherwise he wouldn't ever have a wobble, especially so soon after the fact. Get out quick

@Iputthescrewinthetuna I'm not sure if it's been rolled out to all areas but my smear last year came back as HPV negative therefore there would be no further checks on the cells. If it had been positive then they would have investigated further.

ALL STDs are a natural consequence of having sex.
I'm glad the vaccine is out and people are talking about it. The fact you can get a brain tumour from giving blow jobs really puts things into perspective.
Sex literally kills some women.

They don't test for HPV at every smear. They only test for HPV if cell changes are present.

This is backwards. There’s a fairly new change called “primary HPV testing”. This means before your smear is looked at, they test it for HPV. If it’s negative, it isn’t examined.

It’s counter intuitive but it picks up more changes than before.

would you want to sleep with you if know you had that? Sorry OP - i can't blame him. Good luck.

Who’s the victim here? You briefly liaised fucked someone extramaritally and you’re looking for sympathy. Your poor husband.

@puzzledlady chances are you have slept with someone who has had HPV. I'm sure you would have rather not have, as anyone would, but it's not something anyone actually has control over without becoming celibate.

@purples are you sure? The NHS website says they test for differences, then HPV. But no HPV testing for cin3. For example when I had my smear (this year) they didn't test for HPV as they found CIN3. No need. Unless the testing is done differently around the country/I've misunderstood/both

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cervical-screening/

No not sympathy. It's just not clear. You are unsafe possibly even with a condom. It is all very hushed up.

I had a smear a couple of weeks ago. Tested for HPV rather than looking at the cells. Here they are testing for HPV first (wales)

From the website you linked to...

In some areas, a test for HPV is the first test on the screening sample. This is called primary HPV screening. In these cases, the sample is only checked for abnormal cells if HPV is found.

I think there is a lack of awareness about the dangers of this virus. I didn't even think about it just STDs which was never the issue.

It seems to be the norm to have several sexual partners in a lifetime so most people must have it?

D'oh sorry Purple! Must be my area.

And yes potentially dangerous but relatively low risk for anyone who undertakes their smears regularly (hence the effectiveness of the screening processes and it's associated treatments).

I missed out on the vaccine because I was at an age where we were offered it but they only offered it if you hadn't had at least one sexual partner. Ergo the policy literally was to not bother trying to prevent it in girls who had already had sex...presumably because the risk of them already having it was high so it was a waste of resource. Hopefully numbers will go down a lot now with the current scheme.

OP do you think it is actually about the HPV or the OM? If you tested negative next week would it change anything for him?

I think the problem is the OM, and the HPV is a reminder of that which won't go away.
I think all women should get access to the HPV vaccine. Surely not everyone has it.
I think girls need sitting down and teaching the actual reality of sex. It is too often portrayed as something you do when you're in love. I think they should be taught how men see sex, i.e. you are an object to be used, and every time you are, there is an imprint they make on your health. Nobody knows which are harmful and which aren't but the more you have the worse the risk.
Terrifies me that my daughter has to face this.

Right, dug my letter out. It said I had cell changes so therefore checked for HPV.
Maybe the way they test it is a regional thing.
OP I live in the West Midlands. If that helps?

But they definitely checked my cells before HPV.

Mine says I tested positive for virus.

He was very angry but has calmed down. I think it has reminded him.

Hopefully he can live with situation

It's a permanent reminder.

Can't believe some people thing he is being abusive.

No one would call a woman abusive if her husband fucked someone else and caught something, so she refused to sleep with him and was taking a long to get over the affair.

HPV primary screening is being phased in everywhere. So alas there's no way to demonstrate that you already had the HPV virus prior to your relationship with the OM. It's possible you did but it's reasonable I think to conclude that that's how you caught it.

Hopefully by the next time you have a smear the virus and the associated dyskariosis will have cleared, or have you been referred for a colposcopy?

I would think there's a risk you and DH are now infecting each other, although he may go off the idea of seeking a testing when he finds out it involves him having an anal smear. It's probably best he talks over his health risks with his GP.

However, I would echo previous posters and say it isn't HPV that's ruining your marriage, OP. I think it's quite common that the partner who didn't cheat can think they are able to deal with the affair and then later down the line find out it's too much for them to absorb.

I hope your next test shows the virus has cleared.

Yes been referred for procedure

Trust me dh has been abusive towards me and used disgusting language. My marriage wasn't great before the affair. It didn't come out of nowhere but I know there is no excuse.

I used to work in a colposcopy unit that completed the treatment for women who needed lletz. And I can reassure you 90% of the population have HPV but there are many different strains of it and it’s particular ones that are more worrying than others - some people go on never knowing they have it .
It’s also not classified a sexually transmitted disease because it can just be passed through contact - so actually - can your husband 100% say he didn’t give this to you actually , no. There’s no way of either of you knowing .
Another thing to note is that it’s a virus, like a cold , so depending on your health/ smoker status it will flare up and down- so this smear it showed up ... however another smear in 3 years if you kept a healthy, active lifestyle - could show the all clear !
I think your husband needs to educate himself on it and actually he’s probably still just holding anger for your actions .
Good luck

For all those sending abuse - shame on you - you’ve probably had it once in your lives yourself unless you’ve never been touched and live on top of a bloody mountain alone !
I’d like to add men who don’t wash their hands after urinating and then touching partners - even on the lips - are big culprits for a spread !
Let’s not shame this woman !!

Thanks Frances

I am deeply ashamed of my actions and the hurt I have caused dh

HPV is not something I was particularly aware of before this only STDs and OM assured me he had had health checks for his own peace of mind.