HPV affecting my marriage

[goingdownhillfast]

I have had a smear test which has detected HPV and moderate dyskaryosis which is very distressing. I did have a brief liaison with another man this year and I deeply regret it and once had unprotected sex which was stupid but apparently you can still get HPV even using condoms, I have no STDs as I made sure I was tested. I had no idea about HPV before all this and had been with DH for over nearly 3 decades.

Obviously my dh is livid as things were improving but apparently it is not necessarily the OM.

DH is worried about his own health now and is so angry. I'm scared and there seems to be little information

I do understand why he won't sleep with you to be fair to him.
I had a friend who was having abnormal cells lasered due to HPV and she was having casual sex. I was angry at her for putting other women at risk but people were of the opinion that 'oh everyone has it'. I didn't think it was right.
I had no problems at all, ever, until my DH shagged about, though I know warts isn't the same. Even the NHS website at the time said warts most commonly appeared up to 3 months after exposure. I'm convinced it was that, although the GUM clinic were vague and non specific.
To whomever said it is nothing, it may not be, but psychologically I am still damaged by warts. I felt utterly disgusting, foul, and it has stripped me of any sexuality because I had to mentally detach from my body to get away from it. Weeks of freezing them off, the pain, the self disgust and humiliation.
I will honestly never ever have sex again, not to risk someone passing me a disgusting virus.
I sympathise with the OP, but the DH has the right to stay away from something he perceives as infected and dirty (not saying that is true at all, just how I felt. I could never touch my exH ever again, I was absolutely repulsed by him).
I think counselling could help here.

@Steakandkidney The hpv strains from warts and cell changes are different. Most people do come into contact with the various strains at some point in their life, this is why school girls are now immunised.

I'm sad to see you use words like humiliated, dirty and disgusted.

The OP doesn't have warts, though. She has had a virus which she probably won't have in a few months time when she goes for her 6 month check.

And the OPs DH can only avoid coming into contact with HPV by abstaining from all sex. With everyone. Because he would have no way of knowing who has it. And he may well have been the one to give it to OP!

@saltandvinegarcrisps1 that's not what the nurse at the local GUM clinic told me, so, cite please?

(I'm perfectly happy to accept HCPs are often wrong especially wrt body shaming so crack on!)

@NotTheFordType Hpv strain 6 and 11 cause warts, hpv strain 16 and 18 are the more high risk strains causing cell changes.

Are you fucking shitting me? There was no medical reason for me to have yearly pap smears?

I know warts isn't the same, and it is the 'better' strain to have.
I think any sexually transmitted disease has the potential to cause shame, no matter how common. It's no different to getting chlamydia, gonorrhoea or herpes in terms of the embarrassment factor.

Evidence:
Warts usually appear within months after having sexual contact with someone with the HPV types that cause genital warts. Sometimes the warts appear in just days or weeks, while other people do not show genital warts until years later. Some people may get HPV but never get genital warts

Source: The US Department of health and human services.

NHS Choices has disappeared it sees but it said exactly the same, except it was 6 weeks not 3 months.

HPV can lie dormant for years
Your dh could have the virus and have passed it to you

Truth is you'll never know how you got it. He needs to get over himself, he either forgave you or he didn't. The HPV is totally separate.

@NotTheFordType Yearly smears usually mean you've had cell changes and they are keeping a check on you? I think the way smear tests are now done has created more anxiety by letting us know if we carry the high strain hpv.

He could have given it to you - who knows. Or you could have got it decades ago. To be honest I wouldn't have told him . What with that and the affair this year, it sounds like you are screwed. Sometimes you are better off to keep quiet about things like this. It sounds like he is using any excuse to distance himself from you and this will be another way of doing that.

He's looked at the USA sites and is worried about his health Pfft give me a break - worried about his health ( Rolls about laughing). I've had it for several decades and somehow I've survived , lol.

Yep, he's using this as another way to punish you. What a dick.

Yes he's been awful overnight about it. I don't think it will blow over. I said I will try to find out from nurse etc

Not telling him would be a disgusting thing to do @birdie6
If a man had sn STD after cheating and didn't tell his partner there'd be horror

My dp thought I'd been cheating when I was diagnosed. The nurse totally shut him up by pointing out it was probably him that passed it to me, he then did a bit of his own research and very, very humbly apologised for being a wanker about it.

Dp at the time, I should say, my current dp knows I have it but it never bothered him as he knew a fair bit already about it.

I have HPV. I am in a faithful relationship. However, when I looked into HPV i went ballistic, thinking DP had cheated.
He swore blind he hadn't. So I looked into the way they test.
They don't test for HPV at every smear. They only test for HPV if cell changes are present. You can have HPV for up to 30 years without any cell changes. So therefore may never know! Your DP could have given it to you, or past partners. This is not your fault.

In regards to your partner, I am sorry to say, I believe his reaction is normal. It isn't going to be easy for him and this would be a reminder of what happened. Yes he may forgive you, but that hurt may take many years to be ok again.

Actions have consequences. Do the right thing, leave him and move on. Poor fella.

Did he know about the OM before the HPV diagnosis?

@Iputthescrewinthetuna That's how smears used to be done, they now test for hpv and if you are negative then they don't bother looking any further.

@Steakandkidney I don't class the high strain of hpv as an sti, it goes hand in hand with having sex. My friend got her smear results and was upset to find she was positive, she's been with her husband for over 20 years, I told her to keep quiet about it.

Would you consider warts an sti and why?
Same virus different strains.
Herpes and hiv also viruses.
All are serious bar warts.
I think the lack of education about hov in our youth was appalling. It was never coveres yet we were shown pics of ulcers and warts.
I had a c section due to hpv.if they tell you not to have sex with someone with warts then they should do the same with the serious strains.
I have come to see sex as comparable to sitting in an infectious diseases unit and waiting to be infected with something. I cannot understand how anyone can be aroused by germs and viruses, thats how affected i am.
I wouldnt hang around someone with flu/TB/E coli, it feels the same with sex.

@userxx really, when did that change then, because when I had the letter and spoke to Drs they said they only checked me for HPV due to the changes. That was in July.

Wouldn't the c section be because you had an active outbreak of genital warts?

Yes THING xx