Just ended it... let’s support each other

[Fireandfury1]

Looking for a handhold if poss...
Divorced mum here, involved with divorced dad. DCs involved.

Ended it as too many red flags/uncertainties/insecurities. It was too rushed, he wanted DCs to meet, to move in. It was too fast.

He would pick me up & drop me when suited. It culminated in a talk about his sudden need to go away this weekend. Also, many female friends whom he made it clear he wanted to continue seeing/texting. It wasn’t clear what the nature of these friendships were. Unclear boundaries.

I never knew where I was. This eve I tried to have some space but he got annoyed as I wouldn’t jump to his call. He sent me a long message wanting to get in there first with ending it. I went to see him. Talked a bit, but he made it clear he wanted to sleep & he wasn’t sure if we are compatible anymore.

I am heartbroken. BUT

• better to learn now, right?
• these are not the actions of one who loves me
• the power struggles were too much: being criticised for my satnav/driving in front of his DCs
• the constant not-knowing of where I/we would be staying... his, mine, his, mine

Anyone else feeling a bit sore and sorry for themselves?

I drove myself home, put ALL his stuff in a box out of sight, changed the bedsheets, and am reasonably him-clear. I have deleted WhatsApp.

Divorced mum here, involved with divorced dad. DCs involved.

You mean divorced from each other, or from other parties? In what way are your DCs "involved"? Are they teens/adults and in a relationship/FWB/etc?
(Not sure why you'd say "divorced" instead of "single" if the latter)

Divorced from other parties.
I mentioned DCs because he wanted us to blend families but it felt too soon. I clawed it back but he felt my DD did not make him feel welcome. It’s by the by. There was so much inequality, and too many power games.

He sounds like an absolutle head melt. I think you dodged a bullet there, way too much game playing

Thank you. I need to hear this.
Too many fuzzy boyndaries
Too one sided

Head melt is great term.

Twisting words. Too many WhatsApp arguments.
He was opportunistic

Fire it shouldn't be this fraught so early on. You should be enjoying each other's company etc

We were... and it wasn’t....but a few things lately caused upset..

Made it to work... this is so painful. I have returned all his things. Hey ho. He was pretty controlling towards the end. Urgh

Damn Lady you had a lucky escape, he has done you a favour, breathe easy lovely and relax oh and kind to yourself

Thank you, Bumble that is exactly what I need to hear!

In particular he revealed his true colours when he said he wanted the privilege of dumping me first. Who the fuck thinks like this? Even though he was nice to be after, I woke up next to him in bed, at 2 am, and realised that by accepting this, I would be accepting a lifetime of controlling behaviours.

If it’s this difficult now imagine the dynamics when you were living together. Add in the complications of putting dc first. It’s painful (I’m currently a week out of a very heartbreaking break up so I feel you totally) be kind to yourself x

He wanted the priveledge of dumping you first i.e. beating you to it rather than have you dump him.

Whoa !

To me that would be code for, 'you're going no where until I'm ready to end things.'

I am sorry, BE that you’re going through similar. Yeah, would be tough on my kids, who already struggled to accept a man in our house...

ToEarly Yes! I have to find my anger through this statement. I once wrote about him on here and the comment was that he was the one who determined the speed for the relationship . When I asked to not rush, he tested me like this. This fits in with his love bombing me in the first few weeks, even telling others that it was a serious relationship. Hmm.

I feel so lousy. Palpitations, tummy ache, sick feelings... so sad!!!

Well done for spotting the signs so early on. How long were you together?

I’m currently in limbo waiting to hear if my DP of 6 years has decided to give things a proper go or end it. I can’t be trusted to make the decision because I will choose him despite the red bunting flapping in the wind! We’ve had a rocky road from day one (well maybe day 6 or so!) but somehow limped through 6 years burying problems band making empty promises to do better.

It’s all but over, I hate having to wait for the hammer to fall, but actually not having to be the one making a choice is quite liberating.

Very sorry for you, Raging. We’ve been together since May but I have known him for years & he re-entered my life 😟😢 maybe this was part of the rush...

I’m so sorry for your wait. 6 years is so long. Know what you mean.., it’s kind of tied up in self esteem. Just bought special face packs to cheer myself up. You hang on in there, lovely. Stay strong

I ended up having to make the choice anyway. He wanted more time for me to prove that I can change. Dick. So I’ve told him it’s over. I know it’s for the best but doesn’t stop it hurting.

HOw have you been today, @RagingWhoreBag?
Have you managed to keep distracted?

Shortly after my last message, I texted to tell him I'd returned his stuff, and he said he felt vv sad and asked if we could talk. As he is away, talks will have to wait a bit, but he told me he loves me, and has continued to text, at reasonable intervals (rather than incessant Whatsapps). Still telling me family stuff, so I assume we are still on but with much discussion to occur. I feel so anxious about it all. Urgh.

Went back to retrieve stuff - all his things - as I had left them in the rain! My house is still him-free but I have the put the stuff in my garage to show him when he gets back. He should know I meant business.

Oh gosh what a mind fuck!

I’ve had a shitty day, mostly in floods of tears, going back over everything in my head wondering if it was all so bad (it was) and desperately trying not to text him and beg for another chance.

Settled down this evening after watching some YouTube channels suggested by someone on another thread.

Don’t let yourself get dragged back into it if it’s going to cause you strife. I’ve been battling the same demons (both his and my own) all along. If I could go back now and bail before I got in so deep I would. It’s only got harder to leave as time as gone on, despite a growing list of reasons why.

Total Mcheadfuck, yes. I don't get it. Why bother texting me stuff, all about himself?! Nothing asking about my day. not answering many of my questions. He just texted to say goodnight and I said I wish I had more info as my questions about his day (work) had been unanswered. It's hard to get a picture... Maybe this is what he wants.

Poor you, crying! I'm sorry. It's hard not to beg. Feel like I did a bit of this by saying that I wished we still left xxxxx at ends of texts. But he did say he loved me, only yesterday!

Fuck it, both of us are searching for crumbs, huh?

Spent tonight on some videos, too. Also newspapers, anything to keep distracted. I feel so sick

Yes, need to keep a hold of self-esteem. I did not divorce the ex for more hassle like this! I need a nice, easy life, something smooth and easy. Not headfuck.

What is the next step for you? And how deep is too deep? I am finding it hard(er) if it wasn't for nice memories, etc. Maybe I should stop while the going is awful but still bearable...

URGH.

Well the hoovering has commenced. An attempted call and a message to say he misses me . Two crumbs.

But the hardest thing is imagining going through all this shit with someone new. Urgh. Every time I read the dating threads it makes me want to stick with the devil I know, rather than trawl through all the ones I don’t. Putting in weeks and months of searching to find someone half decent, only to have to do all this bullshit again. I just can’t face it.

Last time we split up I watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend on Netflix - it’s bloody hilarious, you have to watch it (the first 2 seasons especially) and there are some brilliant songs in it. One called is especially apt for moments like these!

I know he’s only got to knock on my door and I’ll be on my knees for him and he knows it too. But we’re both so fed up of the uncertainly and instability that we’re actively avoiding seeing each other in the flesh as we know where it goes.

And the same with yours by the sounds of it. He doesn’t even need to engage, just talking about himself to keep him in your thoughts. The inequality and power play are the biggest issues for both you and I.

Yes exactly! Dropping of crumbs.
Next text, I will say
“That’s good!
PS. I’m well, thanks”

Knobs!

Totally agree with investment story. I had been used to being alone again and was reasonably content and in control. Think they love-bomb as a way of entrenching v fast. Mine had form for this.

Actually, next text I will leave it for approx 1 hr before responding.

What would happen if I pointed it out to him, next week, during our big talk?!

Worth a try I guess but in my experience people don’t want to listen to someone else’s opinion, they’re too entrenched in their own.

I’ve been watching some YouTube again this morning, one by

It’s actually made me soften a little towards exDP and wonder if we couldn’t just sort things out. But I know that’s just wishful thinking really. I sent him a link and he seemed to take something useful from it. Might be worth a watch if you have 20 mins spare.