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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Engaged and dreadfully unhappy

81 replies

rogerfed · 15/11/2018 15:47

I've posted here before about trust issues with my fiance but he has always managed to talk me round. It seems he is a Jedi master at persuasion. We're about to buy a beautiful house together and get married next year. Everyone loves him and I mean EVERYONE - my kids, my family, my friends. He is very jovial and kind hearted, but in many ways is incredibly selfish:

  • he makes decisions unilaterally, often informing me of them after the fact
  • he has lied to me repeatedly, some of the lies have been small and insignificant, some have been whoppers.
  • we don't really have a lot in common and our conversation is often superficial, whereas I love nothing more than a good deep conversation
  • he works incredibly hard and that seeps massively into our home life. That won't ever change.
  • he has had problems in the past with putting appropriate boundaries in place with other women. He is flirtatious and his inappropriately close friendship with another woman almost ended a marriage.
  • he is very 'blokeish' and can often act like a teenager when other people ask about our relationship - like it's embarrassing
On the flip side he can be incredibly generous and thoughtful, but it seems like every week (and sometimes multiple times a week) i get hurt feelings about something he has said or done.

But because so many other people love him and are cheering for us, I'm honestly concerned that I am sabotaging a good relationship. This would be my second marriage, but I've had lots of previous healthy relationships - I think I know what they look and feel like. Surely the fact that I am so unhappy and anxious says something?

Has anyone else broken off an engagement and really regretted it?

OP posts:
Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 16/11/2018 04:27

I married a man like this, run!!!

Fireandfury1 · 16/11/2018 04:29

Just finished something similar. Inappropriate boundaries and too many red flags. I feel sick but I need to look after myself.

Good luck OP!

crazyhead · 16/11/2018 22:58

All the very best to you @rogerfed. It’ll come right for you with time xx

LuckyDiamond · 16/11/2018 23:01

Run 🏃‍♀️ for the hills

Forgotmycoat · 22/11/2018 15:30

How are you op?

ConkerGame · 22/11/2018 15:43

OP I once broke up with a guy that all my friends and family loved. Their shocked reaction and having to repeatedly listen to “are you mad?? He’s perfect!” Made me doubt myself and I got back together with him.

Needless to say, that was the wrong thing to do. (We broke up again a few months later after a miserable few months back together). I knew what was right for me but it can be really hard to act on that when everyone else seems to think the opposite. Don’t make my mistake and listen to your gut!

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