Engaged and dreadfully unhappy

[rogerfed]

I've posted here before about trust issues with my fiance but he has always managed to talk me round. It seems he is a Jedi master at persuasion. We're about to buy a beautiful house together and get married next year. Everyone loves him and I mean EVERYONE - my kids, my family, my friends. He is very jovial and kind hearted, but in many ways is incredibly selfish:

• he makes decisions unilaterally, often informing me of them after the fact
• he has lied to me repeatedly, some of the lies have been small and insignificant, some have been whoppers.
• we don't really have a lot in common and our conversation is often superficial, whereas I love nothing more than a good deep conversation
• he works incredibly hard and that seeps massively into our home life. That won't ever change.
• he has had problems in the past with putting appropriate boundaries in place with other women. He is flirtatious and his inappropriately close friendship with another woman almost ended a marriage.
• he is very 'blokeish' and can often act like a teenager when other people ask about our relationship - like it's embarrassing

On the flip side he can be incredibly generous and thoughtful, but it seems like every week (and sometimes multiple times a week) i get hurt feelings about something he has said or done.

But because so many other people love him and are cheering for us, I'm honestly concerned that I am sabotaging a good relationship. This would be my second marriage, but I've had lots of previous healthy relationships - I think I know what they look and feel like. Surely the fact that I am so unhappy and anxious says something?

Has anyone else broken off an engagement and really regretted it?

Doubt you have “trust issues”, just an untrustworthy DP.

I used to be in the position where I had never felt 'right' in a relationship, where I had been out with several men (including living with one) and had misgivings about every single one. I even discussed my misgivings with partners - it wasn't like I lied - but they did not want to believe them and tried to talk me out of them, and because I had lost confidence in my feelings I let them do that. One boyfriend thought I had massive commitment issues - I thought I did too. I landed up in counselling talking about said commitment problems. I still split up with the bloke....

Then eventually I got together with my now DH. I knew it was right within a week, moved in pretty much straight away, got pregnant, never had a day's doubt since. So much for the commitment problems, I had had a man problem.

Listen to your gut. It's torture living with doubt. Who cares if this guy is Santa and Jesus rolled into one, it is totally and utterly pointless and un-fun endlessly angsting and reassessing your relationship - better to be single.

You know he is not good enough, he already has a wandering eye and hurts you regularly, it sounds like a shit relationship. Get rid of the notion of caring what everyone else thinks of him and how bloody brilliant he is and also what folk say to your face is not necessarily what they really think.

It’s worrying you care so much about having an outward perfect set up when in reality it’s anything but that.

I couldn’t marry anyone I didn’t feel 100% in love with and happy, your inner instinct is screaming at you, listen to it.

At the very least, call off the wedding. He sounds a right PITA to live with in all honesty, regardless of what he appears like to others on the surface.

@crazyhead thank you for your brilliantly funny insightful on-the-money response. Even if I was never lucky enough to meet my perfect match in the way you have, I believe I would still be happier single.

if you can right that sort of list of things you don't like about someone and your relationship with them and you are due to marry them then you need to stop.

You shouldn't be able to write that kind of list. How long have you been together? You haven't even really said you love him.

Don't get me wrong my DP gets on my wick but my list would consist of

• his farts really stink
• he doesn't replace wet towels in the bathroom

which is then counteracted by a list as tall as me of the things I love about him and our relationship.

I thought that everyone loved my ex-husband, he was the life and soul, funny, kind, generous, treated me like a princess, blah blah blah. At least that was what I though everyone's perception was, until I left him after he made me cry once too often. It was only a few months after i left him that people started saying that they hadn't actually felt like that about him and thought he was a complete tosser. You may be surprised.

In your first post, OP, you said you were concerned you might be ending a good relationship, but deep down I think you know it's not a good relationship. Please, please end it, get your self respect back and get on with a much better life.

“Everyone” loves Johnny Depp OP but you wouldn’t necessarily want to be married to him! Make your own mind up and dump him if you aren’t keen. You are allowed to be with who you want to be with and not go on others opinions. What a strange way to decide if you want to be with somebody. Sorry but it is. Surely you should decide for yourself if he makes you happy or not?

@crazyhead I had the exact exact same story as you and now I’m pg with #3 after DH and I only exchanged words for the first time in Jan 2015.

@rogerfed you know that you are basically going to have to call off the engagement and and that will likely be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Breaking up with my first DH was the hardest thing I ever did but oh my the sense of freedom and liberation in the weeks after...wow.

I regret getting married the first time as - like
You - the flags were flying, I ignored them and thought I could live with his quite obvious flaws -and controlling ways- but it was not to be and we limped on for two argument filled years.

Don’t do it.

you were concerned you might be ending a good relationship, but deep down I think you know it's not a good relationship

Exactly, the OP said she wasn't happy, that's enough reason to end it before she even started the list

Not regretted it NO!
Called off the wedding.
Bloody hard. He was a good guy and everyone loved him.
But I didn't. He was more like a friend.
I just kept having nightmares about having kids with him and then having to get a divorce.
So I ended it when my parents were on holiday (this was a long time ago)
So they couldn't talk me out of it.
It was bloody rough going for a few months but then it was all OK again.
You will regret NOT cancelling.
When you are filing for another divorce in a couple of years after much frustration and resentment building!
Don't do it!

Gosh, this is overwhelming, thank you all for your incredible messages. I hadn't realised how superficial I came across - being so concerned with the veneer. I think what has stopped me before is we also work together and it will be incredibly awkward for a while.

I’m sorry to say that their are lots of women who post from relationships like yours but a bit down the line and they are MISERABLE.

They are controlled and emotionally abused by their husbands who want a perfect little wifey to present to the world.

You’ve saved yourself.

I expect he thinks you ought to be grateful for the life he has given you.

Everyone loved my exhusband. And they were right. He's a great friend. Unfortunately he was a shite husband!

All those other people are judging him as their friend or family. Not as long term, see all the time, partner material. You are and you are finding him wanting.

So what if he's nice and apologetic and sensitive AFTER he's hurt you. He shouldn't be hurting you in the first place. And it's sound like he does it again and again. An apology is nothing unless the person strives to not repeat the behaviour. Otherwise it's just words. And they are cheap!

Thank goodness you realise you need to end it!

And awkward for a while is a hell of a lot better than miserable for life!! Short term pain for long term gain!

Everyone who loves his jovial and kind hearted ways clearly doesn't have to live with the flip side of the lies, the roving eye, the workaholic absences, superficial conversation and unilateral controlling decision making. It's like they only see a facebook-like version of him but you know behind the scenes he's a lying controlling selfish man. Does his kind-heartness ever result in any more than mild inconvenience (if any) to himself and/or does he get to bask in the glow of admiration and praise?

Awful. OP. Awful.

I firmly agree that there is no such thing as the perfect relationship but to come on here and say yourself that it is awful speaks volumes.

Financially I would be much poorer, but there's worse things than that!

There are indeed. Such as loosing your marbles. In fact I can think of many things that are even worse than that.

Thank you so much for your responses so far! I can't tell you how good it is to feel the doubt draining away and resolve replacing it.

Good. Then MN have helped.

Wow! Those are some pretty unambiguous responses. I feel I've lost my trust in myself. My gut is screaming at me, but if everyone else thinks he's so marvellous, why don't I? I'd hate to think I'm throwing away a relationship because I'm overly sensitive, but then lying is a pretty big deal and trust is a huge deal.

Ok, so the reason that everyone thinks he's marvelous is due to the facade he has to maintain. But you know different, don't you, OP? Your gut says different. I think, I know, you need what you have to do.

Please accept a un-mumsnetty hug and have these

if everyone else thinks he's so marvellous, why don't I?

Because he only shows them the best of himself. I bet he is a social chameleon, able to adapt to any and all social situations in the blink of an eye and make everyone feel special. They don't see the lying, the inappropriate flirting, the 'my way or no way' decisions that he makes for you with not even an attempt to consider how you might feel etc.

If they saw that, they would not think him so 'marvellous' after all.

If you're marrying him because "everyone loves him" that's quite superficial too. Albeit it doesn't quite equate to his behavior, but still.

Neither of you are being honest about who you really are

You are not compatible, that's enough of a reason to leave.

Going ahead and marrying him would be continuing the Acting, and there really is no point in that.

I think you know you need to call time on this, just do it before it deteriorates too much, or become too complacent and end up married to the fool

How exciting op, freedom awaits!

New research has shown that the gut is actually our "second brain" and is responsible for instinctive feelings and the subconscious so if it's screaming at you listen or you will get ulcers, sleepless nights, a permanent niggling feeling of something not being quite right and no peace of mind.

Everyone loved my ex but they were wrong because he's actually horrible. You are the person who knows what he's like to live with. The only person you need to listen to is yourself. You know what to do. All the best to you!