social services involvement due to partners past

[SS1976]

Hi, just wondered if anyone could maybe give me some advice, perhaps been in this situation before? SO here goes...my son aged 13 went to a football match with his dad a couple of weeks ago, I dropped him at his dads on the morning and everything was fine. Later that night I got a call from a police officer who had arrested his dad and taken mu son into police protection as they had has a call that his dad was under the influence of something and was falling asleep in pizza hut. They dropped my son home with me and said his dad was gonna be charged with child neglect and that they would have to call social services even though they had no issue with me. His dad has had no contact with him since them and I have agreed with SS that this will continue. However as SS are now involved they had to look into myself and my current partner, he has been charged with harassment of an ex partner in the past and had issues of domestic allegations also. I knew about this because for the first 6 months we were together she used to constantly contact me through social media, I never contacted the police and just chose to ignore her. We have never had any issues of this kind and my boys adore him and vice versa. They have now recommended that we have a meeting and the SS has recommended to me that he moves out of the home and has no contact with my son. My son is already going through enough with what has happened with his dad and I don't know what to do now with my current partner, we have just moved in to a new home and we were all settled and happy. Im so scared and confused. Any advice would be appreciated. xx

Yes although I can’t say I think that’s fair.

Boyfriends are replaceable. Children are not.

Get him out of your house. Make sure that your children are safe and that SS are satisfied you’ve complied with their instructions. Deal with your own emotions later.

We’re all being harsh with you, OP, but think of it as tough love rather than nastiness. It doesn’t matter how happy you are with this bloke - SS are looking at him from a far more objective viewpoint. If they want him gone, there’s a damn good reason.

I would dump the partner.

I was always going to put my son first regardless I just wondered if anyone had been through anything similar. I didn't know about anything previous and his ex wasn't telling me that he was harassing her, she was harassing me making lies up saying he was with when in fact he would be sat with me, in hindsight I should have contacted the police, he eventually had enough of this and retaliated and was then charged. There was no history of domestic violence but there was history of assault charges with other men. I wouldn't have brought a man into my boys lives if I thought he was of any risk to myself and my boys and I had no reason to think that he would be. I have told him to leave the home which he has done, he has spoke with social services who have asked if we would consider attending a harbour course which he agreed to and working with them, although I don't think this will be necessary as I have ended the relationship. As for my ex we were over 10 years ago, he was always a hardworking and great dad but we were young and it didn't work out. Just for the record I am not blindsighted that my son adores him out of love, I know my son and he doesn't take to people easily and they have built up a lovely relationship. Nevertheless I know I have made the right decision and my boys will always come first

Gosh, that's a huge about turn from your op, from not knowing what to do and just bought a house and all happy to dumping him in the course of a day. 🤔

Its not a huge turnaround at all, we haven't bought a house we were renting and we were happy, very happy us and the boys but I have spoken to ss again got lots of advice and info and I know what I need to do, they didnt make him leave the home they recommended it whilst this is all going on and the ss puts his report together of how to proceed. of course its hard and upsetting on all of us, but I have an amazing supportive family and we will get through this together its not going to be easy I love my partner we were planning on getting married in 2020 so this is a massive blow to our lives. But the fact that ss said that the case was pretty much open and shut until they looked into my partner made me realise I don't want ss in my life, I know I am a good parent and my boys have an amazing family around them but now they have to deal with what is going on with their dad so that is my main concer and where my efforts will be going

Yes that’s a lot of change from yesterday afternoon.

You have done the right thing.

well, that's good, but seriously, a violent man is a violent man, so please don't assume you're safe (or that it doesn't matter) because you're a woman and he 'only' has a history of attacking men. You're son will be a man one day.

Just picking up on what you said about your ex, he was gouching out, not falling asleep, I'd bet serious money on it. He was on heroin. You may be aware of this, but just in case not, that's what people on smack do, they are not even aware of it at the time, that's why he couldn't stop himself nodding off and the police were called. Best of luck.

To a certain extent it doesn't matter what the proof is, if social services have decided that this man poses a risk to your children and they have because they have told you he should have no contact, they will move forward on the basis that you are failing to protect your children if you continue to allow them to have contact.
That doesn't mean that the first step is taking your children into care, it does mean that you can't get rid of social services by ignoring them because it is a potential safeguarding issue.

^ this!
Ignore their advice/wishes at your peril regardless of whether you agree with them.

OP-You're fantastic. Well done.
FWIW I have had SS involved as my ex abused us all. It is horribly intrusive and stressful.
I really do wish you and your boys all the best. I'm out the other side, it isn't easy but it is doable. x

YY to gouching being an opiate side effect, might not be heroin but could be even oromorph or similar. Either way not good at all.

Well done op you sound intelligent and caring.

Good luck with bringing up your boys with only kind and responsible role models in their lives so that they grow up to be gentlemen and not thugs, louts, users or abusers.

Yes, I’ve been through something fairly similar (ish).

My husband had a false allegation brought against him through his job. The police were involved and they involved SS as our son was aged 11 at the time.
SS got intouch with me and suggested DH move out of our home of 12 years. I know my husband well, we’ve been together since we were 16. I did not take their suggestion of DH moving out, more so because our son would have been devastated.
After four long months of investigation, the person who made the initial accusation was proven to be a liar. The investigation against my husband was dropped. He was apologised to by the person investigating him, who said it should never have developed the way it did. I had no further contact from SS, no apology, but I expect that’s because they are just doing their job.
DH went back to work, where he received no apology from his employer, but an explanation of why they had to follow policy...fair enough.
The main thing was though that the investigation was thorough. The investigation was fair and in the end the truth came out. That no one had any reason to worry about my husband’s conduct or my family.
If this happened again, I would trust the authorities to do their job.

They will insist your partner move out if it’s necessary...they won’t just suggest.

PurpleTrilby exactly what I was going to say...…..and believe me I know

Wish I'd Claire's lawed my ex the moment we met... They can play nice for a long while before the mask slips

This is a potentially serious situation and you should accept the help and assistance that you are being offered for the sake and well being of all concerned.