social services involvement due to partners past

[SS1976]

Hi, just wondered if anyone could maybe give me some advice, perhaps been in this situation before? SO here goes...my son aged 13 went to a football match with his dad a couple of weeks ago, I dropped him at his dads on the morning and everything was fine. Later that night I got a call from a police officer who had arrested his dad and taken mu son into police protection as they had has a call that his dad was under the influence of something and was falling asleep in pizza hut. They dropped my son home with me and said his dad was gonna be charged with child neglect and that they would have to call social services even though they had no issue with me. His dad has had no contact with him since them and I have agreed with SS that this will continue. However as SS are now involved they had to look into myself and my current partner, he has been charged with harassment of an ex partner in the past and had issues of domestic allegations also. I knew about this because for the first 6 months we were together she used to constantly contact me through social media, I never contacted the police and just chose to ignore her. We have never had any issues of this kind and my boys adore him and vice versa. They have now recommended that we have a meeting and the SS has recommended to me that he moves out of the home and has no contact with my son. My son is already going through enough with what has happened with his dad and I don't know what to do now with my current partner, we have just moved in to a new home and we were all settled and happy. Im so scared and confused. Any advice would be appreciated. xx

Op, I hope you are reading thses teplies even if you are not responding.

As others have said you don't have the best track record for picking partners.

It's probably a lot for you to take in that you should leave your partner. Especially so if you are used to men like this. No matter what this man brings to the table, understand that no mother with confidence in herself, love for herself and children would be with a man with a criminal past and have him around her children. I'm not saying you don't love your children.

I don't imagine you will "get rid" as some have said on here. To get to that place you will have to do some soul searching and look long and hard at why you accept so little and why you deserve better.

I do, however, hope a seed has now been planted. You have not picked a good guy, no matter how he appears to you now.

He has a dark past and clearly terrorised his ex. Is that someone you truly believe offers you a happy future?

My son is already going through enough with what has happened with his dad

Exactly. So why put him through any more crap with someone who ISN'T his dad?

For goodness sake OP.

I think he has told you hi edited version
listen to SS

There are some key things here....

• you son comes first. You haven't suggested otherwise but at the minute you believe further disruption in his life would be awful for him;
• you do not believe that your partner poses a threat to your son. Is that right?

What has your partner said about being charged? Was it charged and case dropped? I get that you may not have given any credence to a bitter ex but now is the time for full disclosure from him and via the police. If the two stories don't match you have your answer I'd say there.

I'm not trying to go against any of the advise on here so far but get that this is devastating and bewildering.

You say social services have recommended. Have they said what they will do if he does not move out? You need another meeting and clarity.

Start protecting yourself financial and seek support - perhaps women's aid - in real life.

You must be devastated. Try and stay strong.

How is your son?

Ssd will investigate whether either of these men is a risk to your dc. Meantime they are asking you to keep him safe with nc. Donas they say, they will keep you informed and if dp or ex can have contact later. If not you riskmthem thinking you cannot protect him. Put plans on hold for a bit.

There is always a commonality on these threads, and exact same use of language.
The kids adore him
Really, this is placing far too much importance on a person who isn't related to them and has only just started living with them. I often think that women convince themselves the kids 'adore' their partner because they are blind with love/lust and so see everything as perfect.
When a stranger is in their own home, particularly if they have experienced poor parenting before, they will likely not be able to articulate if they like someone, let alone adore them.
Please read between the lines here OP, take off your love glasses and see this in the cold light of day. Your partner is known to social services as an abuser of women, and possibly worse, and you, who in their view has exposed them to bad father, are now doing it again with a boyfriend.
Leave the men alone, and get rid. This should be a red flag for you, please see it because you really do risk losing your son.
Do not be that mother who puts having a man in her bed before her child's wellbeing. It just isn't worth it.

Why did SS do a check
It is standard procedure once a safeguarding concern has been raised to do a core assessment of the family. That means looking into the family situation, and a police check of every member of the family who is in the home(s), so mum, dad, stepdad, stepmum. The fact the partner has been identified as having a record has come from the police, who have informed social services. So it could well be that things from his past, which he never thought you would find out about, and had no reason to disclose, have come up through this check.
Social services do not tell men to leave the family home unless there is something REALLY wrong. This is serious. The Family Rights Group have a great helpline to discuss things through.

You must do as SS tell you, as they believe your partner is not safe, and if you don't they'll question whether or not you know what's best for your son.

I often think that women convince themselves the kids 'adore' their partner because they are blind with love/lust and so see everything as perfect.

This x1000.

Gobsmacked that the OP didn't think of finding out what the ex had to say!

Any decent person would want to warn another if they or their child had been subjected to abuse.

Can women be so gullible and love blind to put their DC into danger with a stranger without doing a background check??

SS have done you a huge favour Op, I hope you thank them.

I think you need to be single until you learn how to pick a decent man.

My ex’s girlfriend knows exactly as much as you do. That my ex harassed me and there allegations of domestic violence blah blah. She probably doesn’t know that he beat me half to death with a crow bar and tried to abduct my daughter.

Who’s to say your partner isn’t the same? Our yours kid first.

I was in a relationship with somebody who had a history of DV allegations and harassing his ex, said ex tried to warn me from the word go but me being blind, naive and very young - I thought It was all malicious on her part and he couldn't possibly have done anything wrong. He was so lovely and nothing like the person she was describing

Long story short he turned out to be every bit the nutter she was trying to warn me about, and I found out the hard way.

Years later I'm now that 'crazy ex' warning off new partners I hear about, well I'm one of them because there's a few of us now so it's harder for him to deny and call us all bat shit, plus he's got a handful of convictions to boot.

Any woman involved with him faces losing their children if they have him living under their roof and don't comply with ending the relationship, two people have lost children to social services because they couldn't see the wood for the trees / didn't get him out when warned to.

If your DP is no risk then ask him to leave to satisfy SS concerns then watch very carefully how he behaves, you could well become the 'malicious ex'

Bear in mind that the core assessment which involved the police check comes AFTER an initial assessment. So your child has been considered at risk of harm TWICE.
Through this process TWO men are thought of as a risk, whereas you, his mum, is not.
Think about it.

Also be aware that if you need a dbs check for your job then someone else living with you can affect that.

MorningsEleven

No kidding. Its like a script. Crazy ex, "unfounded" allegations of domestic abuse, moved in together quickly, she knows it's not true because he is wonderful and the kids adore him.

All until she is on the receiving end.

I'm astonished that you even see a choice here.

You appear to be making very poor choices when it comes to partners. Knowingly exposing your child to risk with somebody who has a history of domestic abuse and harassment is - bluntly - negligence of the highest order. And then, when given a clear message by social services that this man cannot be around your children, you actually seem to think there's some sort of choice. I would have to question your ability to put your child's needs ahead of your own desire for a relationship.

There's no choice to be made. The man must leave. And I'd suggest that you then steer well clear of any further relationships until you've been through some intensive counselling and figured out what lies behind the choices you're making.

Unfortunately ops don't come back to their own thread when they read things that they don't want to hear.

I hope you come back and prove us wrong.

Ss would not tell you he can't be around children for 'just' domestic abuse. They let Abusers see their children. This level of concern means he wAs extremely violent in front of or to the children. Please seek a Claires law disclosure from your local force and above all get him away.

Social services have the right to remove your kids for stuff like this if you dont comply.

Do not choose a bloke over your kids. Doesnt matter how nice he is.

Jesus Christ op I'm sorry but open your eyes !!!

You need to do exactly as social services say and listen to their advice. I think you also need to concentrate on your son and step away from this bloke, you said yourself , your son has already been through enough.

You brought a man with a history of domestic abuse into your children's lives?

^ this. Why is this even up for debate. You listen to SS and do what they require or they will take it further.

Why you aren't putting your DC first I dont know.

Also be aware that if you need a dbs check for your job then someone else living with you can affect that
A DBS only shows past and current convictions and which are spent. They shouldn't show who is living with you.
Social services on the other hand, can make you inform your job if you are working with vulnerable people and there are questions about your inability to safeguard. So for instance if you were exposing a child to a risky partner who you insisted on living with despite evidence of potential or actual harm, and you were a teacher, then this would likely affect your ability to do your job. That wouldn't however show up on a police check, unless a charge of neglect was pending.

steakandkidney
Not correct I’m afraid. The enhanced dbs can look at any other information the police hold. If he uses the op’s address there could be a problem.
There was a case a while ago that a TA was dismissed as her husband had an assault conviction.
I personally know someone that this has happened to as well.

Oh really I stand corrected. Thanks for clarifying.