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Original poster

Am I being immature ?

58 replies

Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 18:29

My partner had an almost affair :(
He was messaged his friends sister about meeting up for a date, I stopped them before they went on the date, but for me the betrayal still hurt.

His friends now getting married meaning his sister will be there. I can’t handle seeing his sister after her trying to steal my partner :( (yes she knew about me.) I have said I don’t want us going to the wedding, or if we do I won’t feel comfortable with him talking to his friends sister ! Is this me being very immature ? I really hate the thought of the two of them talking at the wedding :( is it reasonable after his betrayal for me to ask him to ignore her ? I don’t see why he needs to talk to her now - they aren’t friends and weren’t friends.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/11/2018 18:38

Do you really want to stay with someone you don't trust and have to police to keep him faithful?

Don't you think it will drive you bonkers? It's no way to live, you know, feeling insecure and knowing he'd have shagged this woman if you hadn't found out. What's the point of it?

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 18:46

Very true. I have trusted him to not contact her again. He wouldn’t do that.
But me having to see them together at a wedding I’m not comfortable with, I don’t want to see her either. I feel why go when I don’t want to see her that much? Does this make sense :(

OP posts:
fannyfanackerpants71 · 14/11/2018 18:47

Op, you can't ever "steal" a boyfriend or husband or partner. If your partner was committed to you he wouldn't have wanted to go and meet this person. HE was in charge of that decision and that's what HE wanted to do. If I were you I would move on and find someone else who respects you. You clearly cannot trust trust him and putting all the blame on the woman in question is deferring blame & responsibility. The issue here is the commitment and loyalty from your partner. Move on.

category12 · 14/11/2018 18:54

Thing is, it turns you into someone you don't want to be - someone who's dictating his social life and on edge about who he's talking to. (I'm not unsympathetic, I have been down this road myself).

It's not immature (who's told you that? Him by any chance?). It's the poisonous fruit of broken trust.

bumbother · 14/11/2018 18:58

OP, this is your third post in under an hour - one about your horrible SIL, one about your interfering MIL, and now your cheat of a husband (who tells your MIL about any rows you have).

Put your mental health and your new baby first. Get shot of the lot of them.

Ohyesiam · 14/11/2018 18:58

I’m 52, very grounded and reasonable, and I would back you up in stipulating that you don’t want them talking to each other. Why do they get to be all chummy ? No way.

SunflowerJo08 · 14/11/2018 18:58

I'd be showing him the door I'm afraid. He's making you question your own behaviour and feelings, and making you feel and act in away you're not comfortable with. You shouldn't have to feel on edge but you will do, because of his betrayal - whether he met her or not, he wanted to at the time of sending the texts and making the arrangements. For me this would pretty much be the end of trust. Also, if he is the one who is suggesting you are being immature, again that's just another warning sign. Honestly, get rid.

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 18:59

Thank you.
Ok so - deep down I do trust him ! I do not think even if he went to this wedding alone he would ever cheat on me, the worst that would realistically happen is they would chat for a few minutes ! We are now very happy together.
I do trust him but that doesn’t mean I like the idea of seeing her and being faced with her and him chatting - does anyone understand that? I know it seems silly and untrusting- but honestly - I just feel it’s a situation I’d rather avoid ! Understandably I never wanted to see her again and although I trust him didn’t want him to see her again- hoping that explains it better ?
So perhaps I just go and obviously allow (terrible word) them to say hi and I just deal with my jealousy? Is it jealousy? She’s not in my good books - but yes I managed to forgive him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:02

Thank you ohyesiam x

OP posts:
gottachangethename1 · 14/11/2018 19:07

To answer your original question op, no, neither you or your partner should go to the wedding, purely because it would be very unfair to expect you to face the humiliation of having to meet this woman. Whether you choose to forgive your husband is your business and not for anyone else to dictate.

silkpyjamasallday · 14/11/2018 19:08

You aren't a bad person for being distrustful, and you clearly don't (and shouldn't) trust him, it's a totally normal reaction to having a husband who got caught trying to have a shag with someone else. He has betrayed you, how could you trust him again? The woman isn't the issue, your husbands wandering eye is. I wouldn't be going to the wedding and nor should he if he wants to make amends. But I'd be LTB to be honest, cheaters don't change and he will most likely do it again, it's sounds like he was the one actively pursuing the OW not the other way around.

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:10

Thank you gottachangethename1 yes I will accept opinions of course :) but I won’t be leaving him. Things are good with him , his family not so much - but with him good, and my trust is back - but yes I purely don’t want to be in same room as them!

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/11/2018 19:11

Send him on his own?

I would say he shouldn't go either but it's his friend so that's a bit off. If you trust him but can't face seeing her then that seems the obvious solution to me. Do something nice for the day with a friend or something Smile

OliviaStabler · 14/11/2018 19:12

I agree with fannyfanackerpants71

You can't 'steal' a husband or boyfriend. A woman can try and seduce you partner or dh or try and tempt them with sex etc but stealing is not possible. They go willingly or they don't engage. They have a choice, no one puts a sack over their heads, bundles them into a van and runs off with them.

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:12

I think this is what will happen - I do not want to see her . I also don’t want to tell him what to do or become that person. So I’m going to go out with a friend and do something else, he needs to go to be there for his friend getting married

OP posts:
Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:14

Agreed - stealing was a bad word ! He was obviously tempted - it was her trying and starting off all the conversations (I have seen the messages) and a few times he told her he was taken and said they’d meet as friends. Doesn’t make it any better, not defending him

OP posts:
Angelkd · 14/11/2018 19:27

Your both going to have to go to the wedding if he wants to still go & if your relationship is happy like you say then seeing his friends sister will be fine, you are the one he is with

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:31

I do see your point, but I won’t have a good time even though it is all in the past! So maybe knowing I won’t enjoy it he should go and be with his mates there - one of their partners aren’t going as they’re working. I’ll think. We should go, or he should at least. I just wanted to air this to see if it’s me being silly , he says he understands and will go or not go it’s up to me- but I don’t want to tell him what to do, I want this situation to be “ok” and I want to act maturely. No, I won’t ever like her - I know it seems daft to forgive one and not the other ! Always easier to hate the woman eh!

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:34

When did this happen?

It's possible he fed her a load of bullshit about you and the relationship.

He is the one you should be mad at. If you sign wanna go, don't. But can't say you have forgiven, trust him not to cheat andbits all ok now......But start controlling what he does.

On a side note you seem to having quite a few problems with your dh and his family. You may need to look at wether you are the problem, or if dh and his family are really bad for your mental health.

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:37

Yes I’ve used this evening to brain dump on here all my issues ! Just having a bad eve but all the advice is helping. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:39

This happened a while ago not recently - and no I read all the messages from when she got his number and messaged him- he didn’t give her his number. She did clearly go after him , and I saw he was saying no and then agreed to meet as a friend - but it was never going to go well or end well meeting a girl who’s asking you out “as friends”

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:45

Ok you can't ever know you saw all the messages. You can't possibly know what he talked to her about outside the messages.

You had to stop him cheating. You had to step in and prevent it. It's not like he even got cold feet after arranging a date.

He would have cheated. I think you need to be realistic. I get the impression you are hurting your head in the sand over this and it's coming out as anger against her.

Original poster
Ateam2018 · 14/11/2018 19:51

I can’t see there was any contact outside the messages ? She was saying she wanted to see him again. She isn’t on social media so not sure how else they would have communicated ? I’m not defending him messaging another girl and agreeing to meet up, of course he would tell me nothing would have happened ! But I did read him telling her that - which is why I forgave him a bit because he did tell her that and he did say it would be to meet as friends. Still- not on for me ! No way! So I’m happy they did not meet, I am being untrusting not wanting them to cross paths at this wedding. So we will go- or he will, I will pull my worries together as what is meant to be will be. My head isn’t in the sand I am trying to be rational and be the best person I can be during me feeling anxious. It does hurt of course. Had he have cheated and it went that far I wouldn’t be with him. I couldn’t have been. It’s awful enough he was thinking about it (even though he did say as friends) but he wasn’t telling me he was meeting her of course :(

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:52

If you are so convinced he has deleted messages, spoken to her off the messages and was meeting as friends......how was it an almost affair?

Notacluewhatthisis · 14/11/2018 19:55

*hasn't deleted messages

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